I’m running into some difficulties in my lifestyle renovation, folks. Mainly – well, pretty much entirely – because of the arthritis, the fibro and the associated issues. To my mind, they’re all one issue really, because they all go hand-in-hand and feed off one another.
I’ve got to find a way to live with this disease. To live, not merely exist, not just show up every day and stumble through the day, just waiting and hoping for it to be over. Not tiptoe around the pain and function at subsistence level, hoping not to aggravate it too much; not try to power through it without regard for it and end up making it worse; and not wildly seesawing between the two. I have got to find some balance and a manageable way of dealing with it.
Here’s my dilemma: I need to take off some weight, for a lot of reasons, but in this context it’s because it will relieve some of the stress on my already inflamed and abused joints. It won’t make the disease go away. It will, however, help the symptoms and improve my quality of life. However, in order to take off the weight, I need to not only change my eating habits and eat clean – which I’m doing – but also exercise. Exercise, which used to be nearly a religion for me, has become incredibly difficult. I can do it, and I’d like to be clear that I do – but then I don’t sleep because of the delayed pain-reaction. When I don’t sleep, everything hurts even worse, I’m emotionally miserable, and it’s even harder to eat well and to find the energy to exercise through the pain.
It’s a vicious cycle, and the only way to break it is to find some form of exercise that doesn’t make me hurt later. Swimming has been suggested, because it’s low-impact, the joints are cushioned by water and it’s fantastic exercise. Which is great, except that I can’t swim, not really. Not well enough to do it for exercise. So I’m reduced to water walking, which I guess is what I’m going to have to try. (Or swim lessons, which is something I’m checking into.) That’s all fine – I like the water, really – but I’m frustrated. I like walking – no, really, I love it. I like resistance training. I like the exercise bike. (Yeah, I’m sick that way.) I adore yoga. All of these things have helped me in the past and I’ve enjoyed them all. It’s frustrating being so damned limited in what I can do with the things I love. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of forcing me to try new things, but really, I think it’s a little extreme.
I’m starting physical therapy today, and I hope to God that’s going to make a big difference. If all else fails, there’s always methotrexate. I started the Enbrel to avoid methotrexate, but the two in combination work better than the Enbrel alone. So that – while a last resort – is always an option. But if I end up on methotrexate, I know what it will do to my psyche. That’s when I will feel, well and truly, as though I’m broken. I’d like to avoid that as long as possible. Also, it has some pretty nasty side effects that I feel will derail all my other attempts at healthy living.
So now that I’m done complaining, I will say that everything else aside, the day generally looks up as it progresses. Mornings are the hardest mentally, but also the easiest time to keep from eating badly, just because my schedule is so inflexible. It’s a good thing, because I’m an emotional eater, so this nullifies a potential pitfall. Though I’ve been doing well with eating, actually.
I think the best thing I’ve done has been to give myself a year, committing to one year to make as much difference as I can in my weight and general health. I do have a specific goal in mind, but I’m not married to that number. I’m not going to feel like a failure if I don’t make that, as long as I know I’ve spent at least 80% of that year seriously working hard on this. See, I know that the real goal is to be living healthy – eating clean, exercising regularly, and taking care of myself in various other ways that I tend to neglect. But somehow, I can’t get past being results-oriented, no matter how hard I’ve tried. When I don’t have a deadline, a weight-loss goal,something like that, I slip. However, with the issues I’m dealing with right now, my physical condition and, accordingly, my weight loss, are unpredictable at best. Some weeks I may do great; others, I may not lose an ounce, or I might even gain half a pound back just in fluid retention and inflammation. So short-term goals can be counterproductive. The year helps me to look toward a specific date and hence stay motivated, while still allowing me room to breathe on those bad days or weeks. I’m motivated, but not pressured.
That said, I need to see a loss of some kind soon. The first week was great; the last two have been unimpressive. Not in my effort – I am really proud of myself there. But I haven’t seen any results. It’ll come, I know it will. I guess it’s time to measure, because my husband says he can see changes. That’s the point of measurements, to keep me going when the losses aren’t reflected on the scale. My problem there is that I’m not sure what I did with the first set. (Did I mention I’m working on my mental focus and organization as well?)
My goal for the coming week is this: to focus really hard on water, avoiding gluten (I’m pretty sure I’ve been glutened this week, and on reflection I think it’s probably the oats because there aren’t any other options – I’m not eating any processed foods other than the instant oatmeal – so I’m going to have to switch brands), and meditation. Each week, I’m going to try to add in one non-food-or-exercise self-care goal. This week it’s meditation: I’m aiming for 10 to 15 minutes a day, first thing in the morning, with the ultimate goal of retraining myself to it (I’ve fallen so far out of the habit that it’s like starting over, and it’s very difficult to make it work right now) and to starting the day in a positive mindset. I know firsthand how much difference this can make in every aspect of my life, from healthy behaviors to combating the depression to productivity at work. It’s time to put it into play.
I am not loving the dieting process right now. I’ve hit the mental wall. This is generally about when it happens, so I’m right on target.
Like most people, any time I start something new, there’s an initial honeymoon phase, a period of high enthusiasm during which I feel extremely motivated and determined and positive that I cannot fail. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s easy, but it’s definitely not difficult.
That wears off, inevitably, and when that happens, it all becomes work. That’s the point at which I’ve dropped off the radar, for the past couple of years. I finally realized that part of my problem was that I wasn’t setting definite goals, nor a deadline. I’d been doing that so that I wouldn’t feel pressured and my fear of failure wouldn’t become a roadblock, as it has in the past, but I think I went too far to the opposite extreme.
Right now, I have a deadline, and I have a definite goal. It’s extremely achievable, and it’s long-term, so I will hopefully be able to pace myself and not put too much pressure on myself, but it’s also set in stone. I will only ever have one fortieth birthday, and I can’t reschedule it or move it a week or two if I’m not making my goals.
Those things have kept me focused, and kept me sane, for the last two weeks. Still, right now I’m struggling. Not because I want to eat junk – eating clean has been a joy for me, to my own surprise. It’s made a huge difference in my energy levels and how I feel. But somehow, right now it’s not making as much of a difference as it has been. That doesn’t make me want to eat other stuff, though. The problem is, I don’t feel like putting in the energy to be healthy and eat clean.
That’s been my problem over the past year, and I know a lot of that was depression. I don’t feel that way right now, though. It doesn’t feel the same. I just feel tired, which is suspicious because I had a very restful weekend. I probably got more rest, both physical and mental, this weekend than I have in months. I gave myself a day off from everything, which I haven’t done in…I can’t remember how long. It was wonderful. I still got done everything I needed to get done this weekend, but just having that day of rest felt amazing. I need to do that more often.
So I don’t really know why I feel so tired and discouraged today. Oh, wait – yes, I do. The scale. See, even though I’ve been exceptionally focused and have eaten very cleanly, I haven’t lost any weight this past week. Part of that is fluid retention, I know that because I can feel it, and inflammation…but I’m left to wonder what’s causing the fluid retention, and why the inflammation, which was so much better the first week, has again flared up. It’s frustrating, and that’s what sucks the life and energy out of me.
Still, I have a goal, and I intend to meet it. I can analyze everything I’ve done or not done this week, and find areas of improvement. I haven’t been perfect; that’s unattainable and a bit ridiculous to reach for, so I don’t. I do strive for 90 percent perfection, and most days I make it. But I know my exercise this week was lacking, for several reasons that amount to excuses, and I know that I need to reduce sugar even further. My blood sugar has been unpredictable for several days, so I know I have to really pay attention to the carb/protein balance. That’s easy enough to do, because I know exactly the little areas where I’m slacking on that. I’m starting to fix that today. Exercise will be more of a challenge; I can’t get to the gym tonight, so I think I’ll have to take B for a trip around the neighborhood. She’s been wanting to start running anyway, so I’ll walk with her while she does that. Maybe I’ll even do some yoga, because God knows I need that.
I’ll get there. I have fifty more weeks, and I plan to make every one of them count.
