I am not loving the dieting process right now. I’ve hit the mental wall. This is generally about when it happens, so I’m right on target.
Like most people, any time I start something new, there’s an initial honeymoon phase, a period of high enthusiasm during which I feel extremely motivated and determined and positive that I cannot fail. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s easy, but it’s definitely not difficult.
That wears off, inevitably, and when that happens, it all becomes work. That’s the point at which I’ve dropped off the radar, for the past couple of years. I finally realized that part of my problem was that I wasn’t setting definite goals, nor a deadline. I’d been doing that so that I wouldn’t feel pressured and my fear of failure wouldn’t become a roadblock, as it has in the past, but I think I went too far to the opposite extreme.
Right now, I have a deadline, and I have a definite goal. It’s extremely achievable, and it’s long-term, so I will hopefully be able to pace myself and not put too much pressure on myself, but it’s also set in stone. I will only ever have one fortieth birthday, and I can’t reschedule it or move it a week or two if I’m not making my goals.
Those things have kept me focused, and kept me sane, for the last two weeks. Still, right now I’m struggling. Not because I want to eat junk – eating clean has been a joy for me, to my own surprise. It’s made a huge difference in my energy levels and how I feel. But somehow, right now it’s not making as much of a difference as it has been. That doesn’t make me want to eat other stuff, though. The problem is, I don’t feel like putting in the energy to be healthy and eat clean.
That’s been my problem over the past year, and I know a lot of that was depression. I don’t feel that way right now, though. It doesn’t feel the same. I just feel tired, which is suspicious because I had a very restful weekend. I probably got more rest, both physical and mental, this weekend than I have in months. I gave myself a day off from everything, which I haven’t done in…I can’t remember how long. It was wonderful. I still got done everything I needed to get done this weekend, but just having that day of rest felt amazing. I need to do that more often.
So I don’t really know why I feel so tired and discouraged today. Oh, wait – yes, I do. The scale. See, even though I’ve been exceptionally focused and have eaten very cleanly, I haven’t lost any weight this past week. Part of that is fluid retention, I know that because I can feel it, and inflammation…but I’m left to wonder what’s causing the fluid retention, and why the inflammation, which was so much better the first week, has again flared up. It’s frustrating, and that’s what sucks the life and energy out of me.
Still, I have a goal, and I intend to meet it. I can analyze everything I’ve done or not done this week, and find areas of improvement. I haven’t been perfect; that’s unattainable and a bit ridiculous to reach for, so I don’t. I do strive for 90 percent perfection, and most days I make it. But I know my exercise this week was lacking, for several reasons that amount to excuses, and I know that I need to reduce sugar even further. My blood sugar has been unpredictable for several days, so I know I have to really pay attention to the carb/protein balance. That’s easy enough to do, because I know exactly the little areas where I’m slacking on that. I’m starting to fix that today. Exercise will be more of a challenge; I can’t get to the gym tonight, so I think I’ll have to take B for a trip around the neighborhood. She’s been wanting to start running anyway, so I’ll walk with her while she does that. Maybe I’ll even do some yoga, because God knows I need that.
I’ll get there. I have fifty more weeks, and I plan to make every one of them count.
Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment
