I am a coward.
I have built myself a framework – a safety net, if you will – of rules and regulations and restrictions and conventions. My job, my home, my bank account, my children’s schools, my doctors’ appointments, my online blogs…these are all a part of the framework, the safety net. They all make me feel safe, and secure, and neatly slotted into my nice, safe, normal niche in life.
I know this because:
Yesterday, at lunch, I was sitting in the car at the gas station, waiting for a friend to come back after paying for gas. I was watching the cars go by, as they entered and exited the interstate, and thinking – as I always do – about who might be in them and where they might be going. Something about the day – the weather, perhaps, which was gray and rainy and gloomy, and cold – or about my own mood, gave me the oddest sensation that these people were all free as birds, going who knew where, while I was securely tied to the earth. I did not envy them.
I couldn’t help wondering if the guy in the old red Pontiac was on a road trip, headed to an unknown destination. Was the woman in the little Toyota running from something? Had she just quit her job and emptied her bank account and taken off to points unknown?
Why would I have these thoughts? One might speculate that they indicate a repressed desire in me to do exactly that – just cut all ties and fly away. But I didn’t find them appealing…I found them frightening. The idea of being in the car, driving, but not to anywhere…not having a job I have to be at the next day, not having kids to be picked up from school, not having bills to be paid on a particular day or a home to be cared for or a paycheck to ensure…was terrifying to me.
So that led me to wonder why? Why would I not WANT that, that ultimate freedom of having no responsibilities, no one to answer to, no one to take care of? Wouldn’t that be wonderful? But it didn’t seem wonderful to me; it seemed terrifying and heartbreaking and awful.
The fact that I have a job (okay, jobs) ensures that I get a paycheck. That paycheck ensures that I have a place to live and can pay my bills. If I want that security – a roof over my head every night, and knowing where it will be, and food to eat and each day a safe environment – then I must follow very strict rules and routines. Get up, get the kids to school, go to work, come home, make sure the kids are picked up, fed, etc…ad nauseam. I should feel trapped by all that – but I don’t. I feel safe and comforted.
To me, the most frightening thing in the world is not knowing what to expect. I did not realize that about myself until just now. Everything that I fear – death, old age, divorce, an empty nest, losing a job, having a serious health condition, going on a new ride at the amusement park for heaven’s sake – all comes down to that. They are all situations in which I do not know what to expect, and that is bone-chillingly terrifying to me.
It seems blindingly obvious, now, that this is at the root of my compulsive planning and organizing and list-making; I am not just a naturally organized person who has a talent for creating order from chaos (though I do) – I am borderline obsessive-compulsive because I am terrified of disorder!
I knew that I had control issues. I thought that I had dealt with them to some extent, but I find that the fear of a loss of control – of not knowing where I am headed and having no way of steering – is worse now than it ever was. It just hides now, under and behind other things. That is sobering and saddening to me, because I don’t want to be timid. Timidity is not a positive trait, to my mind. I wish I knew how to conquer this particular fear…perhaps if my faith were stronger, and I could simply trust that someone is taking care of me, I could deal with it more rationally. But as it stands, I am petrified of the unknown, to the extent (evidently) that I perseverate about it at odd times and seemingly without provocation.
Historically, having unsolicited thoughts like this has meant that an issue I have been avoiding is rearing its ugly head, demanding to be recognized. I am afraid of that, as well – my fear is so great in this context that I am afraid to even think about it, but I can’t help it. It almost sounds like it may be time for therapy again…but I dread that too. It’s never an easy process, and to get to the dawn you have to first go through the night.
I am afraid of so many things, for someone who considers herself fairly assertive and bold. I don’t like that about myself.
Filed under: Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Life Lessons, Psychobabble, Spirituality
Forgiveness Is Not So Fashionable « Mr Ed Catholic
The statement in this post that forgiveness brings freedom is one of immense and mostly-overlooked truth and power. There is nothing quite so freeing as making the mental and emotional decision that something no longer has to matter so much. For me, that is one of the defining characteristics of true forgiveness: I am certainly still aware of the transgression, but I need no longer base any of my actions, feelings or thoughts upon that transgression. I am free to cease to react.
When you have truly let go…when you have truly forgiven, and moved on…a binding snaps. A chain dissolves…a wall crumbles…a barrier erodes. One inhibiting, restraining, binding factor has disappeared from your life and you are free to react without consideration of that factor.
I do know whereof I speak. I have been given many opportunities, in my life, to learn the power of forgiveness – both given, and received. I rue the experiences that made forgiveness necessary - but I rejoice in the forgiveness itself. I will never regret that, no matter what.
Forgiveness does not mean blinding oneself to the original transgression. It does not mean saying that it was “okay”. It does not mean or imply that you have condoned that behavior, that you have dismissed it, or that you have forgotten it. It means that, while aware of the action, you have chosen to move beyond it, to accept that it happened and acknowledge the consequences thereof, and to reject the further damaging of your soul by that action. You have thrown off your bonds.
Now, you may well choose not to give that person another chance to hurt you, and a severance of that relationship – if done calmly and with prior self-examination and reason – does not invalidate your forgiveness. You may well have reached the conclusion, through calm examination, that even though you choose not to continue to castigate and excoriate that person, you also believe that there is a high likelihood of a repeat offense and you choose not to place yourself in the way of further harm. If you have done so calmly, without angst, then this does not mean you have not forgiven. It only means, simply put, that you have learned that touching the hot stove creates a burn. You don’t hate the stove; you don’t resent the stove and lie awake thinking about how much it hurt you – you simply recognize that you probably shouldn’t touch it anymore. Yet you are no longer holding on to the fear, pain, anger that the action engendered. You are free.
Likewise, forgiving yourself is very freeing. Letting go of the guilt and shame that you carry around because you think you need to, you think you deserve it, you think that if you let it go it means you don’t care that you did something bad… letting go of that can lighten your emotional and spiritual load immensely. Once again, this does not have to mean that you have learned nothing from your mistake – it is possible to acknowledge a negative action and learn from it without performing emotional self-flagellation every day for the rest of your life. Let it go. Forgive yourself. Do not excuse, for behavior that hurts another should not be excused. Simply acknowledge that you have behaved wrongly, accept your culpability, be sincerely remorseful…and resolve to do better. Make amends…undo some or all of the harm, if possible. But don’t carry around that self-hate. Forgive yourself…let it go.
Forgiveness is one of the most wonderful experiences available to us as human beings, and it is one thing that I sincerely wish all people would allow themselves to experience.
Just a note for anyone currently suffering from these:
I suffered from panic attacks for literally years…I took Paxil for five years during the worst of them. You can say what you like about SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) but it literally saved my life and my sanity. I have also taken Zoloft (didn’t work) and Lexapro (did!) as well as training in biofeedback and counseling.
This can be done. You do not have to be a prisoner of your own brain chemistry! You do not have to be medicated for the rest of your life, though if you need it, PLEASE take it! Don’t look at it as a stigmatic thing; medication is there to help you and you wouldn’t hesitate if you were a diabetic and needed insulin, would you? It’s the same thing – yes, it IS.
I strongly recommend a combination of medication and therapy, as well as learning techniques like meditation and controlled breathing that will help you to head off the attacks when they do happen. I won’t tell you that I don’t occasionally get hit with one – but now I can deal with it in the first minute or so and stop it in its tracks. I never get to the dizzy, breathless, hyperventilating, hallucinating stage that used to be standard. I can nip it in the bud.
I am no longer on medication, nor am I in therapy, but I have regained control of my life. You can, too, and it’s worth whatever it takes because life is too beautiful to waste in mindless terror!
Don’t give up on this. You can get through it.
Filed under: Childhood, Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Love, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Transplants from LiveJournal
I have heard it said that life is a journey…
If this is so, then it is a long and frightening one, and fraught with peril.
Along the way, the trail narrows and grows rough
And in some places, it passes through deep-shadowed caves.
I watch as you, my beloved daughter, step onto that darksome path
I am helpless and worried, knowing your fear and confusion
And knowing that nothing I can do can change the path you must walk.
I cannot lead you through the shadows,
for though I have walked this path myself,
my shadows were my own, and not the same as yours.
I cannot banish the darkness,
for the only light that can penetrate here
is the lovely glow of your own warm and courageous soul.
I cannot even walk before you,
to find and face the dangers,
for this is not my journey, but yours.
But that is all right, and as it should be;
for the steps we take on life’s journey
are both determined by, and formative of,
our own souls.
And sometimes, you must take the steps yourself
Brave the darkness
Learn the road
And by learning it, change it, and make it yours.
And you do not need a light,
Or a map to follow
Or someone to clear your path.
Sometimes, all you need is a hand in the darkness
To tell you that you are not alone, and that while you are afraid,
fear is not debilitating — it need not stop you from taking the steps you must take
And that you will not become lost in the darkness,
For someone is there with you, holding your hand.
So know this, child of my heart:
That though this darkness is your own
And I can neither banish it, nor lead you through –
Still I will be there with you, always, if you will let me…
And I will always hold your hand.
