Filed under: Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Psychobabble, Spirituality, weight loss
I’m five weeks into the year, and I’m still not losing weight. I should probably care more about that than I do. The thing is, though, that I know I’m doing everything right. I’ve struggled for years to make that the important thing, but I’ve never been able to succeed. Now, when I really have a goal and want to reach it – 50 pounds in a year – somehow I can’t focus my energy or emotional dependency upon the scale. I just…don’t seem to care so much about it. (The written word cannot adequately convey how completely out of character this is for me.)
What I do care about, is making some serious changes to my life. Physical therapy is proving to be a Godsend. It’s hard – much harder than I thought it would be – but I’ve discovered so many physical issues that I didn’t realize I had, and that were contributing to the severity of the ones I did know about. The translation of that is that the problems I can’t fix – the arthritis and the fibromyalgia – are not as severe as I’d thought, and that the issues making everything so bad are ones I can address. That’s an awfully good feeling.
I’ve also really been awakened to the difference that being gluten-free makes in my life. I think it’s very easy to think that something isn’t helping, when it’s been a while since you experienced the difference. I originally went gluten-free a little over a year ago, when my rheumatologist told me that a lot of his arthritis patients experience some relief from doing so. He said he didn’t think it was necessary to actually test for celiac disease, because it was easier to just try the diet and see if it worked; he also said that a number of his patients who tested negative for celiac still experienced relief from the diet. It is possible to be celiac-negative and still be gluten-sensitive or gluten-intolerant. So I gave it a shot, and I was surprised at how much relief I felt. Not only from the arthritis and associated pain, but from the depression and mental fogginess I’d been experiencing, as well as fatigue and general malaise. I did a lot of research at the time and was surprised at what I’d found.
But over the course of a year, I lapsed. The gluten-free lifestyle is not easy. Our culture is not friendly to it. There is not a day that goes by without having to actively concentrate on maintaining it, and until recently, Oklahoma City has not had a plethora of retailers who are cognizant of the demand for gluten-free products. The rest of my family is not gluten-free, nor are any of my co-workers or friends. Under those circumstances, it’s easy to forget how bad you were before, and when you gradually slide back into old habits, it’s unfortunately easy to not associate a return of symptoms with those habits. I’d fallen into the trap of only thinking in terms of gastrointestinal reactions to gluten, when the truth is that, while those are dreadful, they are really the least of my gluten-associated problems. It wasn’t until I decided to get clean again that I was reminded of what a difference it makes – and it was an immediate difference. Within a week, my pain was cut probably in half and my mental outlook was…well, it was like I was a different person.
So between physical therapy and eating clean, I know I’m making a huge difference in my life. My next step, and the piece of the puzzle that I know is still missing, is to step up my exercise. I haven’t been doing a lot, for a couple of reasons: primarily, I wanted to get into a routine with physical therapy, see how it was going to affect me, and then build an exercise routine that I can do without ill effects. I think I’m ready to do that now; now, my obstacle is my schedule. The Ninja Princess has had to change taekwondo schools (possibly temporarily; we should know tomorrow night), and the new one is considerably farther away. Worse, where her old school is next door to the Y, the new one is…not. The Y in that area isn’t nearly as convenient. So I’m waiting to see if the change is permanent before creating a whole new workout schedule for myself and my husband. It’s a total change in evening routine. Meanwhile, though, we have been doing a lot of walking. While it’s probably not brisk enough to be much of a fat-burner, it’s keeping me active and mobile and in the habit of exercise. Also, the PT postural and core exercises are pretty intense, actually, so at least I know I’m getting some good arm, upper-body and core exercise.
Another change I’ve been making is actively working on my sleep habits and my emotional and spiritual self-care. With the help of Aetna’s web-based programs, I’m working toward repairing my sleep deficit and tendency to insomnia, as well as actively working to improve stress management and reduce my negative thought patterns. This is another thing that cannot be overemphasized in terms of its importance in a healthy, happy lifestyle. I’ve fallen into some really bad, old mental habits over the past year and a half, and it’s time to start digging back out of that hole. Right now, I’m doing it on my own, but I haven’t ruled out the possibility of involving a professional. Therapy, in all its forms, can be incredibly beneficial.
In short, while I’m not seeing a lot of results, I feel pretty good about the changes I’m making. I’ll admit that I’m a little bummed about the lack of cooperation on the part of the scale, but at the end of the day, if I don’t lose a single pound this year, but I keep these new habits, I’ve still made a difference in my life. And I guess that’s the most important thing of all.
Filed under: Ayurvedic medicine, Happiness and Joy, Random thoughts, Spirituality | Tags: Ayurvedic medicine, Deepak Chopra, health, mindfulness, Spirituality
I’m beginning to study a new area (for me), ayurvedic medicine. I’ve been introduced to the works of Deepak Chopra (yes, I’m late to the party, but that’s nothing unusual!) and am finding them very meaningful.
Today I read a quote…The healing mechanism inside us perfectly matches the one outside. The human body does not look like the green meadow, but its breezes, its laughing water, sunlight, and earth were merely transformed into us, not forgotten.
(Journey Into Healing: Awakening the Wisdom Within you)
This speaks to me enormously. I think that if one is aware enough, mindful enough, one feels things that are not immediately explicable. When I have what I call a soul-feeding moment, I don’t always understand why it is so comforting, so soothing, so satisfying. But I think this is a wonderful way of putting it into words, a good way of understanding what is happening here. I am not separate from the external world. I am not a discrete whole; I am merely a portion of the life and energy force that pervades all reality, but I am that portion collected into a finite package, a defined area. So I think of myself as separate but really, I’m not. I’m a part of that energy, that life force, and the boundaries that define what I call “me” are not solid or fixed, they are fluid and permeable. So the energy flows into me, and out of me, and what I am seeing and feeling – the breeze, the sunlight, the play of light on water and the shadows of the trees – these are all manifestations of that energy flow. They are affecting the energy flow within me. If they are things with positive associations, then they are causing positive energy flow, and if they are things with negative associations, the flow is negative.
Another thing that Dr. Chopra says in that book is “We are the only creatures on earth who can change our biology by what we think and feel.” and “We perceive, which means we add meaning to every signal coming our way.”
Because we think, because we are conscious and aware, because we know and interpret and observe the energy flow, we can affect it. We can influence it, for good or ill. All too often, I think we influence it negatively, without ever knowing it. My desire is to begin to influence it positively and consciously, knowing that I am doing so; to use my awareness and my sentience to create healing and strengthening energy rather than allowing my thoughtlessness and self-absorbed negativity to create weakness and ill-health in myself and the world around me. I want to stop thinking of myself as a separate being and be aware of myself as a part of the endless flow around and through me.
This is a little scary. It feels a little like a loss of identity and I think that is why we resist it. But I want to learn to know it as not a loss of self, but as a greater knowing of self. I am not separate but while I am in this life, in this form, I am defined, and that definition – though it is mutable and I can affect it – is what makes me, me. I want to learn to know myself as both unique and individual, and still part of the whole.
Filed under: Happiness and Joy, Life Lessons, Psychobabble, Random thoughts
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness, and where it comes from, at least in my own life.
It started with one of those stupid MySpace surveys – the ones that are all so similar but somehow trigger my OCD just enough that I can’t keep from posting them anyway. One of the questions nearly always is, “If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?” Now, being way too introspective for my own good, I always give these questions serious thought, and when I get to that one, my answer is always, “Nothing. Because everything happens for a reason and everything that has happened has led me here, and I am happy with where I am.”
Which begs the question of why I am so happy where I am? What is it about my life that makes me so unwilling to change any of it?
I’m not young, rich, gorgeous, or privileged. I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t have everything I want, though I do have everything I need. So what is there about my life that is so perfect, that I wouldn’t want to change it?
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
I am not young…but I am still in the best years of my life. I am so much more confident and happy in my own skin than I was when I was young. I don’t obsess over whether people like me anymore, or whether I have made someone angry at me. I am in touch with my inner bitch, as well as my inner goddess, and I am okay with people being responsible for their own emotions. If they don’t like me…not really my problem. If they do…great, but that’s not the centerpiece of my world.
I’m not gorgeous – but I am not unattractive either.
I’m not rich, God knows – but I have learned so much about the value of money – and what value it doesn’t have. I have learned that being able to buy whatever you want is nowhere near as freeing and joyful as knowing that you are in complete accord with the one you love, and that there are no secrets or omissions between you. Money is important, and it’s so important to be financially stable – but money is not ever going to make me happy. Love, family, and an honest, self-responsible life are.
And that’s the center of it, really. Because I am so blessed. I have a husband whom I love, more than I ever even knew. He loves me, more than I ever knew. He accepts me – he doesn’t hesitate to call me on it when I’m being irrational or overly bitchy or irresponsible…but he’s not unkind to me. He knows me inside out and he accepts me for who I am…and forgives me for my occasional bouts of extreme brainlessness. And every now and then, he does something so wonderful and amazing and unbelievable that it takes my breath away. And in between times, he brings me enormous joy every time I look at him or hear his voice or he touches me in passing…
I have two exquisite daughters, both of whom are a joy to me as much as they are a trial. I am constantly racking my brain to try to be sure I am doing the right things with them, and often feeling that I’ve failed – but I wouldn’t trade a second of it, because they are beautiful and precious and smart and funny and I adore every thing about them. Even the bad stuff. It’s part of what makes them who they are, and though I do want to teach them how to control themselves and to behave properly, so that they can get along in the world without making things unduly horrible for themselves – I do not want to change them. They are, in their very imperfection, perfect.
I have a nice home – it’s not anything extraordinary or outrageous, but it’s nicer than I ever thought I’d have, when I was younger. I have a very steady, stable job at which I am given significant responsibility and trusted to be competent. I have the amazing privilege of working with people I truly love and respect. I am privileged to spend time, almost daily, with people who make me laugh and brighten my world just that much more.
My life is not perfect; not nearly. There are things I would like to have – I would like to be completely out of debt, I would like to be able to go places and do things that are currently out of reach for more reasons than just money, I would like to be able to quit work and focus on writing, I would love for my kids to have straight As and perfect behavior in school…
But I don’t need those things to be happy. I have what I need. I have what it takes to bring me joy, and contentment. And what more, really, can anyone ask for?
So it seems to me, in the final analysis, that being happy is not about what you have or what you do or what you are…it’s about what you know. It’s about what you can see – can you see the joy in these things? Are you looking up, or looking down? Are you looking at what you’re striving for, or at what you already have? Because ambition, though it can be valuable, can also be an insidious poison – if you are constantly striving for something, can you ever take the time to be happy with what you’ve already achieved?
Keeping your eye on the prize is a great thing – but sometimes you already have the prize. Sometimes all your work and effort is really just about holding on to the prize you already have, not about winning the next one.
At least, that’s my conclusion. I have my prize. It’s simple, and maybe some people wouldn’t think it’s much of a prize – but I can’t imagine a better one.
Well, it’s December again, already. It’s hard to believe; this year has flown by. I know that as we get older, time seems to pass more quickly, but I really feel that I have just about missed this year.
Part of the issue is that when you work in retail, it sort of changes Christmas for you. It’s hard to be surrounded by so much Christmas regalia all the time and not get a little desensitized to it. So I haven’t had much Christmas spirit really, and the idea that it could be nearly December just seemed really alien.
Then Scott and the girls decided to decorate the house and the yard while I was at work Saturday, and I came home to a glorious Christmas panoply. I have to say, seeing it all day is not the same as seeing YOUR Christmas decorations, in YOUR home. Particularly when you drive up late in the evening, it’s dark, and all the Christmas lights are lit up. It was a very special, wonderful feeling, and they gave me an amazing end to a very trying day. Absolutely glorious.
Part of the problem, too, is just being so busy all the time. Working two jobs, particularly at this time of the year, leaves little time for reflection or noticing the passage of time. So even though I see the stuff all the time, it has sort of snuck up on me that, yeah, it’s time to get the shopping done. Only 22 more days, as the girls’ countdown calendar advised me this morning. Yikes!
So I’m thinking as I walk out the door that, you know, I just can’t seem to get in the spirit. I can’t believe it’s December and I just don’t feel like…and then it hits me. Literally hits me, right in the nose – snow.
Okay, it’s barely snow. Little tiny flakes, not even really flakes, and barely spitting down so that you have to squint and stare at a particular spot to even see it, but by God, it’s snow. 
And everything changed.
I miss snow so much. When I was growing up in Oklahoma, we had snow every winter, lots of it. Not all the time, and not always on Christmas, but by Christmas we’d usually had a few good snowfalls. Here in Charleston, it doesn’t snow that often, and when it does it doesn’t often amount to much or last very long. So I miss that. I miss the bitter, biting cold and the Arctic winds and the honest-to-God snow. Those are the things that I always expect from Christmas time, and I think one of the reasons that I’ve had trouble in the past few years feeling very Christmas-y.
So although I expect that we probably won’t have much in the way of snow, I am very grateful for the little spate we had this morning. I needed that. Maybe now I can start to have a little of that generous, loving, joyful Christmas spirit. I hope so!
Filed under: Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Life Lessons, Psychobabble, Spirituality
Forgiveness Is Not So Fashionable « Mr Ed Catholic
The statement in this post that forgiveness brings freedom is one of immense and mostly-overlooked truth and power. There is nothing quite so freeing as making the mental and emotional decision that something no longer has to matter so much. For me, that is one of the defining characteristics of true forgiveness: I am certainly still aware of the transgression, but I need no longer base any of my actions, feelings or thoughts upon that transgression. I am free to cease to react.
When you have truly let go…when you have truly forgiven, and moved on…a binding snaps. A chain dissolves…a wall crumbles…a barrier erodes. One inhibiting, restraining, binding factor has disappeared from your life and you are free to react without consideration of that factor.
I do know whereof I speak. I have been given many opportunities, in my life, to learn the power of forgiveness – both given, and received. I rue the experiences that made forgiveness necessary - but I rejoice in the forgiveness itself. I will never regret that, no matter what.
Forgiveness does not mean blinding oneself to the original transgression. It does not mean saying that it was “okay”. It does not mean or imply that you have condoned that behavior, that you have dismissed it, or that you have forgotten it. It means that, while aware of the action, you have chosen to move beyond it, to accept that it happened and acknowledge the consequences thereof, and to reject the further damaging of your soul by that action. You have thrown off your bonds.
Now, you may well choose not to give that person another chance to hurt you, and a severance of that relationship – if done calmly and with prior self-examination and reason – does not invalidate your forgiveness. You may well have reached the conclusion, through calm examination, that even though you choose not to continue to castigate and excoriate that person, you also believe that there is a high likelihood of a repeat offense and you choose not to place yourself in the way of further harm. If you have done so calmly, without angst, then this does not mean you have not forgiven. It only means, simply put, that you have learned that touching the hot stove creates a burn. You don’t hate the stove; you don’t resent the stove and lie awake thinking about how much it hurt you – you simply recognize that you probably shouldn’t touch it anymore. Yet you are no longer holding on to the fear, pain, anger that the action engendered. You are free.
Likewise, forgiving yourself is very freeing. Letting go of the guilt and shame that you carry around because you think you need to, you think you deserve it, you think that if you let it go it means you don’t care that you did something bad… letting go of that can lighten your emotional and spiritual load immensely. Once again, this does not have to mean that you have learned nothing from your mistake – it is possible to acknowledge a negative action and learn from it without performing emotional self-flagellation every day for the rest of your life. Let it go. Forgive yourself. Do not excuse, for behavior that hurts another should not be excused. Simply acknowledge that you have behaved wrongly, accept your culpability, be sincerely remorseful…and resolve to do better. Make amends…undo some or all of the harm, if possible. But don’t carry around that self-hate. Forgive yourself…let it go.
Forgiveness is one of the most wonderful experiences available to us as human beings, and it is one thing that I sincerely wish all people would allow themselves to experience.
Filed under: Happiness and Joy, Life Lessons, Random thoughts, Spirituality
I had an interesting moment last night, on my way home from work – one of those soul-feeding moments (see “The Simple and the Profound”), and it really got me thinking.
The first part was the sunset. It was nearly over – the sun was completely down and the sky dark, but the very edge of the sky on the western horizon was still holding some color. Just enough to create a gentle cascade of dark, soft striations, from dark rose to a sort of deep purple. With the trees silhouetted in front of it, it was exquisite. Not the sort of brilliant, bold beauty of a normal sunset that makes you catch your breath and makes your heart beat faster; this was a very soft, quiet, profound beauty – very still and deep.
Then, turning in the opposite direction (after sitting at the stop sign and staring for about five minutes in awe), I beheld the night’s answer to the day’s dying gift. There, floating in a deep midnight-blue sky – not yet night-black – was an exquisite nearly-full moon. The color of the sky was the perfect backdrop, giving the moon’s brilliance a sort of soft warmth.
Add in the soft breeze, gently cooling after the day’s heat…the crickets singing desultorily…and the smells of the restaurants in the area mixed with the juniper and honeysuckle…outstanding. Most definitely a soul-feeding moment.
It was a moment that spoke to me, that poured out upon me libations of promise and potential, that begged for the full extension of all of my senses and the full focus of all of my attention, that I might fully reap the harvest that was being offered me. I have never felt more alive, more vibrantly in tune with the world around me, or more blissful in my own existence.
And as mentioned, it got me thinking. (What doesn’t?) It started a cascading cycle of thoughts that were largely incoherent and difficult to hold onto – I didn’t really even try – but one thought stood clear before the rest. I found myself thinking, “I don’t really know what I believe in…but I believe it with all my heart.”
And that was it; my epiphany! I don’t know what I believe in – because it’s belief, not thought. I don’t have to know it – I feel it…I sense it…I exude it. It is in me and of me and I embrace it utterly. I do not need labels for it. I do not need a book that explains it or regiments it; to do so would stifle it. I do not need rules and guidelines. I do not need instruction or explanations.
The things that I believe that seem self-contradictory (you can believe in God or the Goddess, but not both; you can believe in things of magic or in scientific reality, but not both; etc.) are only contradictory because we have been told they are contradictory. These are manufactured limitations. I do not have to accept that – I do not have to embrace limitations that the world would hand me. I can embrace what my heart tells me is true, and be at peace with that. I do not need to seek; it really is all right here inside, and I can accept it without judgment or dissection. It is there, deep within me, to an extent that I think most people do not believe possible, and it is indelibly etched upon my heart.
And that, I truly believe, is where it belongs. All these years, in all the spiritual wanderings and crises I have experienced, I have been trying so hard to wrap my mind around a belief system that will work for me. I have struggled to reconcile what I know with what I am told, and nothing seems to fit. Nothing rings quite true…nothing seems just right. Zen Buddhism, which does not rule out any other belief system, seems closest, but does not fully embrace what I feel to be true – probably because it is not intended as a “religion” per se, but as a way of life and a state of mind.
So okay. I can deal with this. This makes sense to me. I do not have to understand it to know that it is true. I can grasp it by knowing that I do not need to grasp it. I do not have to have it explained or organized or neatly summarized. My belief…my spirituality…does not require definition.
Belief is of the heart, not of the mind. I understand that now, and it makes sense. There is neither understanding, nor non-understanding – and if that isn’t Zen, I don’t know what is.
Filed under: Happiness and Joy, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal
It’s fall! Or rather, that moment on the very cusp of fall, when the air is still warm in the daytime but sharpens its knife at dusk, so that when you walk outside in the morning, it slices through your summer-conditioned skin like winter on crack. The sky is a blue that takes my breath…every time I see it, I swear I’ve never seen anything so blue and clear and vivid. The humidity has gone — oh joy! — and everything has such a startling clarity that I can only gaze about me in sheer wonder at the beauty that the world holds.
Why don’t I see this more often? I blame it on the choking haze of summer’s humid heat, but I wonder if the haze is more within myself? Is my soul as dank and smog-laden as the air we breathe for so much of the year? And does it take the slow winding-down of the seasons, the long and gradual death of the year, to wake me from my sweltering sleep of the spirit and make me see, truly see, what joy and beauty surround me?
Regardless, this beauty sings to my soul. I cannot see it, feel it, breathe it, taste it, enough. The trees are still green, and the unobscured sunlight filters through the leaves to dapple the pavement, to glint off the grass and warm not only my skin, but my heart and my very being. I want to sit and stare, gaze around me like a newborn child, as though the world is something I Have Never Seen…and perhaps it is.
I wonder, sometimes, what it is about fall and winter that call to me so? My spirit seems to sleep as the life around me burgeons and blooms…and with the steady, sweet slowing of the sap and the turning of the leaves, I come alive again.
The joy overwhelms me.
Filed under: Childhood, Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Love, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Transplants from LiveJournal
I have heard it said that life is a journey…
If this is so, then it is a long and frightening one, and fraught with peril.
Along the way, the trail narrows and grows rough
And in some places, it passes through deep-shadowed caves.
I watch as you, my beloved daughter, step onto that darksome path
I am helpless and worried, knowing your fear and confusion
And knowing that nothing I can do can change the path you must walk.
I cannot lead you through the shadows,
for though I have walked this path myself,
my shadows were my own, and not the same as yours.
I cannot banish the darkness,
for the only light that can penetrate here
is the lovely glow of your own warm and courageous soul.
I cannot even walk before you,
to find and face the dangers,
for this is not my journey, but yours.
But that is all right, and as it should be;
for the steps we take on life’s journey
are both determined by, and formative of,
our own souls.
And sometimes, you must take the steps yourself
Brave the darkness
Learn the road
And by learning it, change it, and make it yours.
And you do not need a light,
Or a map to follow
Or someone to clear your path.
Sometimes, all you need is a hand in the darkness
To tell you that you are not alone, and that while you are afraid,
fear is not debilitating — it need not stop you from taking the steps you must take
And that you will not become lost in the darkness,
For someone is there with you, holding your hand.
So know this, child of my heart:
That though this darkness is your own
And I can neither banish it, nor lead you through –
Still I will be there with you, always, if you will let me…
And I will always hold your hand.
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Love, Marriage, Money, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal, weight loss
I hesitate to call these New Year’s Resolutions…those are nothing more than rules we make in order to have the mixed joy and shame of breaking them. We don’t really “resolve” anything – we know when we make them that we will not keep them. We make them almost as a sort of game – how long will we keep them this year? How long will it take us to break every one on the list? It is a running joke, for many of us.Funny as this always seems, it strikes me (after having learned so much this year!) that this is really a very self-destructive process. We set ourselves up for failure, and each failure (though we may laugh about it) is another nail in the coffin of our sense of self-worth, of confidence, of capability and trustworthiness. Every single time we fail (having made that nearly inevitable for ourselves) we lose a little more faith in our own abilities and strength. And every ounce of confidence and faith we lose weakens us that much more, making failure even more likely the next time.
I’m not doing that anymore. I am through with tearing myself down. I spent so many years doing that, and not even knowing it; but that phase of my life is over. I am looking forward, eyes on the prize – and the prize is happiness, self-respect, strength and joy. All the things I had lost through my own ignorance and self-doubt. No more!
So this year, I am not making “resolutions”. Instead, I am making a list of things I can do to improve my life, my health, my happiness, and my contribution to the world around me. I may or may not be able to integrate all of these things into my daily life, but I can make myself more aware of the things I, personally, can do to change the world.
So here they are:
1. I can try to meditate, if not daily, at least as often as I can. This strengthens my spirit; it soothes my soul and calms my mind and fills me with a peace and serenity and personal strength that make every day better and more rewarding. This is not only good for me, but for those around me who reap the benefits of my calmer, stronger persona.
2. I can continue my personal journey toward a healthy, strong body. This can be accomplished through maintaining my new, healthy eating habits, and taking every opportunity to engage in healthy exercise, as well as making opportunities when none present themselves. Again, this benefits not only me but also those around me. When I am strong and healthy, I am capable of caring for myself and for others to a much greater extent. I am happier, I am calmer, I am more joyful, and I am setting a wonderful example for my family.
3. I can be as patient as possible with the shortcomings of others. I have long since accepted that I am not perfect, and I should strive to accept that in others as well. I can make allowances for bad-temperedness, for poor manners, for selfishness, for over-criticism, for laziness and other things, WITHOUT seeing those things as acceptable. I can continue to strive to avoid those things in myself, without condemning those around me for not meeting that standard. After all, I will most certainly not manage to eradicate those traits completely from myself; what right, then, do I have to expect a complete absence of them in others? I can be tolerant, recognizing an unpleasant trait without placing blame or passing judgment. There is a Judge who is responsible for this, and it is not me.
4. I can be as loving as it is possible to be. I can strive to release my fears of rejection, of judgment, of scorn and mockery, and offer to those I love and value the very best of my nature. I can show them that they are important to me, that my life is far the better for their presence and would be far the worse for their absence, without fearing that they will not return my regard. My life is bettered by the very act of loving others; if it is returned, then my harvest is twofold, but if it is not, the value of my own act is not lessened. I need not be loved by all whom I love, in order for that love to be a positive force in my life.
5. I can take more time. I can strive to slow down in every aspect of my life, to stop rushing from one thing to another so frenetically that I rarely devote to anything the time that it deserves. I can accept that in the course of a day, there are things that will not be accomplished. Some of them may even be very important things, but at no time will that signal the end of the world. There will always be tomorrow, and if there is not, then I will be beyond any concern for the things of this world. In the time I am given, I will make each moment count, for myself and for those that I love.
6. I can spend more time with my children, just being. I can sit with the Cricket and watch a movie, or play a board game, or go for a walk with the Nightingale or just sit in her bedroom and have a long conversation about nothing much at all. I can show my children that my time is valuable and that they are worth whatever amount of it they need. I can give them the gift of myself, without needing a reason or rushing into something else.
7. I can remember financial prudence. I can be mindful of each dollar spent, as much as I am of each moment lived. I can remember the difference between “need” and “want” and act accordingly, giving to my money the full value that it possesses. Through this, as well, I will be demonstrating good, strong, wise behaviors to my children.
8. I can explore the value of forgiveness. I can remember that the human heart has an infinite capacity for healing, and I need not guard it so fanatically that I refuse to open it to anyone or anything. Like a city under siege from without, its own walls can be its downfall, keeping enemies out but also keeping out nourishment and revitalization. I can remember this and be aware of my own guardedness, striving to open my heart even to those who have hurt it in the past, without flinching from the possibility that they may hurt it again. If they do, I will heal, as many times as necessary – but at least I will have lost no opportunity for the nourishment and revitalization of love and friendship.
9. I can strive for order and organization around me, in my work and in my personal life. I can remember that chaos and lack of structure inevitably result in unhappiness, uncertainty, fear, and, ultimately, loss or regret. Mistakes are made and damage done by a forgotten bill, a missed deadline, or even simply the rush of struggling to get something done at the last possible minute, resulting in lowered standards. I can strive to make my life simple and clean and structured, while allowing time and room for spontaneity and unscheduled laughter.
10. And last, but certainly not least, I can “always be a little kinder than necessary”. I can watch for opportunities to do a kind thing or lend a helpful hand to those around me, whether it is bringing a co-worker documents from the printer or spending a Saturday working at a local shelter. The tiniest acts of kindness do good for both he who gives and he who receives, and no matter how little I may be able to do, I can strive to always do that little.
These are things I can do…things I should do…and things I will try to do, whenever possible. I recognize that I may not always accomplish them, but I also recognize that though I miss thirty opportunities to live by these precepts, if I seize upon a single opportunity, then my life is still better.
I am not perfect, and I will not be perfect – no more than anyone, or anything, in this world is perfect. I will not even STRIVE for perfection, for that, again, is not only inviting but demanding failure. Yet I will strive for betterment, and to live the happiest, fullest, most peaceful and joy-filled life that I can live, in the time I am given. I cannot imagine any better way to live.
Filed under: Happiness and Joy, Old Stuff, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal
Spring is here, really and truly here at last. It wasn’t really a hard winter; in fact, we didn’t HAVE a winter until late, probably mid-January really. But then it was so cold, so snowy, so bleak and dreary…
Sometimes I wonder if what bothers me about winter isn’t the visual aspect – the leafless trees; the browns and grays that predominate instead of the lovely greens of spring and summer; the weak, watery sunlight – but rather the ebb of the life force in the earth around me. Because for some reason, my mood starts to lift even before the colors change; it’s as if I can feel the life force rising in everything around me, and my spirit responds. Maybe it’s more prosaic than that – probably it is. Probably it is my neurochemical reaction to the strengthening sunlight and longer hours of daylight. Probably it is purely scientific in nature and nothing to get excited about. But it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t seem that way, and I don’t care. I like this feeling, the notion that I am a part of the network of life and energy around me and I respond to it as it responds to me. I like being alive and energized and awake and in touch, connected to everything out there. If I’m fruity, okay. That’s fine. I like fruity.
I like walking, feeling every footstep as a momentary burst of connection to the earth and all that is in it. I like breathing the damp, misty air and taking in the scent of earth, of small green things springing into the light, of early buds and blooms. I like the first bursts of birdsong on a Saturday morning, when every single little winged thing is pouring its heart into a paean of joy at the return of the sun. I love listening to the hiss and rush of water over stones in the creekbed as I’m experiencing all of this, and wondering at so much beauty just a few feet from my doorstep. I like being so lifted, so transported by this experience, of a simple morning walk, that I am dizzy with the sensations and the euphoria.
I wish that I could hold on to that, that I could carry it with me all day. I wish there were a pocket in which I could store it away, to be touched and savored whenever daily life, with all its petty irritations and intolerances, begins to weigh my spirit down. Life is joy, life should be joy, and when we say “life gets you down” we don’t really mean life. We mean the petty, artificial motions and routines and jealousies and dissatisfactions that we call life. They are not life. Life is around us – life is out there to be seen and heard and felt and smelled – but it is not these things. These things are only a superstructure, a framework that we build around our feelings and thoughts to give them form – but we are poor sculptors and the shape we make falls far short of the reality.
I wish that I could know that always, and not just at these brief moments of glorious epiphany. I wish that I could burn this knowledge into my soul, to bear with me every second, so that when I hear a word or see an action that brings a sullen twist of angry dissatisfaction to my mouth, I could retreat into this knowledge and counter that word or action with a smile, with an upward lift of true joy that would startle the do-er or say-er into perhaps, for one moment, sharing that knowledge.
I wish that I could spread joy, that I could be the “carrier” of this seed of truth and joy…perhaps that is my true goal in life. To be merely a vessel for truth and joy and the glory of life, a conduit through which it is transported to touch the lives of others. To do that, however, I must first allow it to fill me, and I am afraid that is where I falter.
Thich Nhat Hanh says that we must be mindful, must water the seeds of joy and compassion, and treat with gentle understanding the seeds of anger so that they can bloom into loving kindness. I do strive to do that…I must strive, not harder, but more. I must be mindful and water the right seeds, so that the garden of my soul is a beautiful one and not a place of fear and anger and intolerance.
Perhaps that is the entire purpose of winter – to provide a backdrop for the glory of spring, which will remind us through its very contrast of the beauty of life? For it is at this time of year that I find myself thinking these thoughts; not in the riotous heat and noise of summer, nor the calm unwinding of fall (maybe a little, but not so much), nor the quiet stillness of the waiting winter, but in the glorious burst of beauty and life that is spring.
