Filed under: Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Psychobabble, Spirituality, weight loss
I’m five weeks into the year, and I’m still not losing weight. I should probably care more about that than I do. The thing is, though, that I know I’m doing everything right. I’ve struggled for years to make that the important thing, but I’ve never been able to succeed. Now, when I really have a goal and want to reach it – 50 pounds in a year – somehow I can’t focus my energy or emotional dependency upon the scale. I just…don’t seem to care so much about it. (The written word cannot adequately convey how completely out of character this is for me.)
What I do care about, is making some serious changes to my life. Physical therapy is proving to be a Godsend. It’s hard – much harder than I thought it would be – but I’ve discovered so many physical issues that I didn’t realize I had, and that were contributing to the severity of the ones I did know about. The translation of that is that the problems I can’t fix – the arthritis and the fibromyalgia – are not as severe as I’d thought, and that the issues making everything so bad are ones I can address. That’s an awfully good feeling.
I’ve also really been awakened to the difference that being gluten-free makes in my life. I think it’s very easy to think that something isn’t helping, when it’s been a while since you experienced the difference. I originally went gluten-free a little over a year ago, when my rheumatologist told me that a lot of his arthritis patients experience some relief from doing so. He said he didn’t think it was necessary to actually test for celiac disease, because it was easier to just try the diet and see if it worked; he also said that a number of his patients who tested negative for celiac still experienced relief from the diet. It is possible to be celiac-negative and still be gluten-sensitive or gluten-intolerant. So I gave it a shot, and I was surprised at how much relief I felt. Not only from the arthritis and associated pain, but from the depression and mental fogginess I’d been experiencing, as well as fatigue and general malaise. I did a lot of research at the time and was surprised at what I’d found.
But over the course of a year, I lapsed. The gluten-free lifestyle is not easy. Our culture is not friendly to it. There is not a day that goes by without having to actively concentrate on maintaining it, and until recently, Oklahoma City has not had a plethora of retailers who are cognizant of the demand for gluten-free products. The rest of my family is not gluten-free, nor are any of my co-workers or friends. Under those circumstances, it’s easy to forget how bad you were before, and when you gradually slide back into old habits, it’s unfortunately easy to not associate a return of symptoms with those habits. I’d fallen into the trap of only thinking in terms of gastrointestinal reactions to gluten, when the truth is that, while those are dreadful, they are really the least of my gluten-associated problems. It wasn’t until I decided to get clean again that I was reminded of what a difference it makes – and it was an immediate difference. Within a week, my pain was cut probably in half and my mental outlook was…well, it was like I was a different person.
So between physical therapy and eating clean, I know I’m making a huge difference in my life. My next step, and the piece of the puzzle that I know is still missing, is to step up my exercise. I haven’t been doing a lot, for a couple of reasons: primarily, I wanted to get into a routine with physical therapy, see how it was going to affect me, and then build an exercise routine that I can do without ill effects. I think I’m ready to do that now; now, my obstacle is my schedule. The Ninja Princess has had to change taekwondo schools (possibly temporarily; we should know tomorrow night), and the new one is considerably farther away. Worse, where her old school is next door to the Y, the new one is…not. The Y in that area isn’t nearly as convenient. So I’m waiting to see if the change is permanent before creating a whole new workout schedule for myself and my husband. It’s a total change in evening routine. Meanwhile, though, we have been doing a lot of walking. While it’s probably not brisk enough to be much of a fat-burner, it’s keeping me active and mobile and in the habit of exercise. Also, the PT postural and core exercises are pretty intense, actually, so at least I know I’m getting some good arm, upper-body and core exercise.
Another change I’ve been making is actively working on my sleep habits and my emotional and spiritual self-care. With the help of Aetna’s web-based programs, I’m working toward repairing my sleep deficit and tendency to insomnia, as well as actively working to improve stress management and reduce my negative thought patterns. This is another thing that cannot be overemphasized in terms of its importance in a healthy, happy lifestyle. I’ve fallen into some really bad, old mental habits over the past year and a half, and it’s time to start digging back out of that hole. Right now, I’m doing it on my own, but I haven’t ruled out the possibility of involving a professional. Therapy, in all its forms, can be incredibly beneficial.
In short, while I’m not seeing a lot of results, I feel pretty good about the changes I’m making. I’ll admit that I’m a little bummed about the lack of cooperation on the part of the scale, but at the end of the day, if I don’t lose a single pound this year, but I keep these new habits, I’ve still made a difference in my life. And I guess that’s the most important thing of all.
So I’m four weeks into this new lease on life, and so far, I’ve had mixed results. I lost quite a bit of weight the first week, but none since. I had a solid week of no pain, but returned to lots of pain and limited mobility thereafter. Two steps forward, one step back, I guess.
This week, though, has been interesting. I started physical therapy, which was something both exhilarating and terrifying for me. I just wasn’t sure how it would go, how much it would help, how uncomfortable I would be. I’m happy to report that the first session went great, it helped enormously, and it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. In fact, I’m thinking of leaving my husband for my physical therapist.
Not really, of course. But it was a great experience. For once, I felt really heard in terms of the muscular component of my condition. I don’t mean to say that my rheumatologist has been unsympathetic or dismissive. He’s addressed it, educated me about it, and has tried to give me some tools that would help, but at the end of the day I needed something more. I think PT might be it. I’m already seeing some improvement.
So my pain is less, but more importantly I feel more in control and I have hope. I will be able to exercise – yes, I’ll still have to moderate, but I won’t be in agony.
I’m eating well. We just went out of town for four days, and there’s not much worse than a road trip to derail clean eating. I did well, though, considering. We did a lot of walking, so I don’t feel that I was hindered in any way by the hiatus. And though I still haven’t seen a loss on the scale, when I got dressed today, my jacket was noticeably looser than last time I wore it. Also, my husband is insistent that he can see changes. You can’t argue with that; at least, if you’re smart, you won’t.
My husband has been dramatically supportive for the last couple of weeks. I have to attribute most of my success on the trip to his influence. There really aren’t any words for how it makes me feel when he gets involved this way. No roses or champagne or candlelit dinner could ever come close.
So after a rough week last week, this one has been surprisingly positive. I still haven’t seen a loss, but I feel successful anyway. ♥
I’m running into some difficulties in my lifestyle renovation, folks. Mainly – well, pretty much entirely – because of the arthritis, the fibro and the associated issues. To my mind, they’re all one issue really, because they all go hand-in-hand and feed off one another.
I’ve got to find a way to live with this disease. To live, not merely exist, not just show up every day and stumble through the day, just waiting and hoping for it to be over. Not tiptoe around the pain and function at subsistence level, hoping not to aggravate it too much; not try to power through it without regard for it and end up making it worse; and not wildly seesawing between the two. I have got to find some balance and a manageable way of dealing with it.
Here’s my dilemma: I need to take off some weight, for a lot of reasons, but in this context it’s because it will relieve some of the stress on my already inflamed and abused joints. It won’t make the disease go away. It will, however, help the symptoms and improve my quality of life. However, in order to take off the weight, I need to not only change my eating habits and eat clean – which I’m doing – but also exercise. Exercise, which used to be nearly a religion for me, has become incredibly difficult. I can do it, and I’d like to be clear that I do – but then I don’t sleep because of the delayed pain-reaction. When I don’t sleep, everything hurts even worse, I’m emotionally miserable, and it’s even harder to eat well and to find the energy to exercise through the pain.
It’s a vicious cycle, and the only way to break it is to find some form of exercise that doesn’t make me hurt later. Swimming has been suggested, because it’s low-impact, the joints are cushioned by water and it’s fantastic exercise. Which is great, except that I can’t swim, not really. Not well enough to do it for exercise. So I’m reduced to water walking, which I guess is what I’m going to have to try. (Or swim lessons, which is something I’m checking into.) That’s all fine – I like the water, really – but I’m frustrated. I like walking – no, really, I love it. I like resistance training. I like the exercise bike. (Yeah, I’m sick that way.) I adore yoga. All of these things have helped me in the past and I’ve enjoyed them all. It’s frustrating being so damned limited in what I can do with the things I love. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of forcing me to try new things, but really, I think it’s a little extreme.
I’m starting physical therapy today, and I hope to God that’s going to make a big difference. If all else fails, there’s always methotrexate. I started the Enbrel to avoid methotrexate, but the two in combination work better than the Enbrel alone. So that – while a last resort – is always an option. But if I end up on methotrexate, I know what it will do to my psyche. That’s when I will feel, well and truly, as though I’m broken. I’d like to avoid that as long as possible. Also, it has some pretty nasty side effects that I feel will derail all my other attempts at healthy living.
So now that I’m done complaining, I will say that everything else aside, the day generally looks up as it progresses. Mornings are the hardest mentally, but also the easiest time to keep from eating badly, just because my schedule is so inflexible. It’s a good thing, because I’m an emotional eater, so this nullifies a potential pitfall. Though I’ve been doing well with eating, actually.
I think the best thing I’ve done has been to give myself a year, committing to one year to make as much difference as I can in my weight and general health. I do have a specific goal in mind, but I’m not married to that number. I’m not going to feel like a failure if I don’t make that, as long as I know I’ve spent at least 80% of that year seriously working hard on this. See, I know that the real goal is to be living healthy – eating clean, exercising regularly, and taking care of myself in various other ways that I tend to neglect. But somehow, I can’t get past being results-oriented, no matter how hard I’ve tried. When I don’t have a deadline, a weight-loss goal,something like that, I slip. However, with the issues I’m dealing with right now, my physical condition and, accordingly, my weight loss, are unpredictable at best. Some weeks I may do great; others, I may not lose an ounce, or I might even gain half a pound back just in fluid retention and inflammation. So short-term goals can be counterproductive. The year helps me to look toward a specific date and hence stay motivated, while still allowing me room to breathe on those bad days or weeks. I’m motivated, but not pressured.
That said, I need to see a loss of some kind soon. The first week was great; the last two have been unimpressive. Not in my effort – I am really proud of myself there. But I haven’t seen any results. It’ll come, I know it will. I guess it’s time to measure, because my husband says he can see changes. That’s the point of measurements, to keep me going when the losses aren’t reflected on the scale. My problem there is that I’m not sure what I did with the first set. (Did I mention I’m working on my mental focus and organization as well?)
My goal for the coming week is this: to focus really hard on water, avoiding gluten (I’m pretty sure I’ve been glutened this week, and on reflection I think it’s probably the oats because there aren’t any other options – I’m not eating any processed foods other than the instant oatmeal – so I’m going to have to switch brands), and meditation. Each week, I’m going to try to add in one non-food-or-exercise self-care goal. This week it’s meditation: I’m aiming for 10 to 15 minutes a day, first thing in the morning, with the ultimate goal of retraining myself to it (I’ve fallen so far out of the habit that it’s like starting over, and it’s very difficult to make it work right now) and to starting the day in a positive mindset. I know firsthand how much difference this can make in every aspect of my life, from healthy behaviors to combating the depression to productivity at work. It’s time to put it into play.
I am not loving the dieting process right now. I’ve hit the mental wall. This is generally about when it happens, so I’m right on target.
Like most people, any time I start something new, there’s an initial honeymoon phase, a period of high enthusiasm during which I feel extremely motivated and determined and positive that I cannot fail. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s easy, but it’s definitely not difficult.
That wears off, inevitably, and when that happens, it all becomes work. That’s the point at which I’ve dropped off the radar, for the past couple of years. I finally realized that part of my problem was that I wasn’t setting definite goals, nor a deadline. I’d been doing that so that I wouldn’t feel pressured and my fear of failure wouldn’t become a roadblock, as it has in the past, but I think I went too far to the opposite extreme.
Right now, I have a deadline, and I have a definite goal. It’s extremely achievable, and it’s long-term, so I will hopefully be able to pace myself and not put too much pressure on myself, but it’s also set in stone. I will only ever have one fortieth birthday, and I can’t reschedule it or move it a week or two if I’m not making my goals.
Those things have kept me focused, and kept me sane, for the last two weeks. Still, right now I’m struggling. Not because I want to eat junk – eating clean has been a joy for me, to my own surprise. It’s made a huge difference in my energy levels and how I feel. But somehow, right now it’s not making as much of a difference as it has been. That doesn’t make me want to eat other stuff, though. The problem is, I don’t feel like putting in the energy to be healthy and eat clean.
That’s been my problem over the past year, and I know a lot of that was depression. I don’t feel that way right now, though. It doesn’t feel the same. I just feel tired, which is suspicious because I had a very restful weekend. I probably got more rest, both physical and mental, this weekend than I have in months. I gave myself a day off from everything, which I haven’t done in…I can’t remember how long. It was wonderful. I still got done everything I needed to get done this weekend, but just having that day of rest felt amazing. I need to do that more often.
So I don’t really know why I feel so tired and discouraged today. Oh, wait – yes, I do. The scale. See, even though I’ve been exceptionally focused and have eaten very cleanly, I haven’t lost any weight this past week. Part of that is fluid retention, I know that because I can feel it, and inflammation…but I’m left to wonder what’s causing the fluid retention, and why the inflammation, which was so much better the first week, has again flared up. It’s frustrating, and that’s what sucks the life and energy out of me.
Still, I have a goal, and I intend to meet it. I can analyze everything I’ve done or not done this week, and find areas of improvement. I haven’t been perfect; that’s unattainable and a bit ridiculous to reach for, so I don’t. I do strive for 90 percent perfection, and most days I make it. But I know my exercise this week was lacking, for several reasons that amount to excuses, and I know that I need to reduce sugar even further. My blood sugar has been unpredictable for several days, so I know I have to really pay attention to the carb/protein balance. That’s easy enough to do, because I know exactly the little areas where I’m slacking on that. I’m starting to fix that today. Exercise will be more of a challenge; I can’t get to the gym tonight, so I think I’ll have to take B for a trip around the neighborhood. She’s been wanting to start running anyway, so I’ll walk with her while she does that. Maybe I’ll even do some yoga, because God knows I need that.
I’ll get there. I have fifty more weeks, and I plan to make every one of them count.
Filed under: Ayurvedic medicine, Health and Fitness, Spirituality, weight loss | Tags: Ayurvedic medicine, health, Spirituality, weight loss
I got Perfect Weight yesterday, by Deepak Chopra, and had to jump right in.
The book is an approach to weight loss through Ayurvedic principles. More accurately, it explains how to restore your body to its natural balance, which will help it to achieve its proper weight.
There’s a lot I like about it. I like that the watchword is moderation in all things – that’s sort of my philosophy to begin with. I like that it is based in an understanding of the interconnection of all things. I like that it is not one-size-fits-all, but rather emphasizes the need to understand your individual body and tailor your lifestyle to suit you, not some generic ideal. I like that it incorporates more than just eating and exercise – there is discussion of ayurvedic massages, one form of which is essentially body-brushing, which I already love; and of course meditation is recommended. So it is very much a total body/mind/soul approach, which is the guiding principle of Ayurveda to begin with. That is completely in keeping with my needs and my philosophies.
There are some things about which I am doubtful, though. For one thing, a basic recommendation is not to eat breakfast. That flies in the face not only of “conventional wisdom” (which doesn’t hold that much water with me) and what I’ve discovered works for me (which does). But an alternative is to just eat a very light breakfast, so it’s not like I couldn’t do it.
Exercise is not supposed to be super-strenuous, and you’re supposed to tailor it to your body type, which is great. I’ve already discovered that I do best with very moderate exercise, and I can very easily become overtrained. So I like that. However, I’m a Pitta-Vata type, with Pitta slightly more dominant, and the recommended exercises for Pitta types are walking, running, mountain climbing, hiking and swimming. I hate running. I do like walking and hiking though. Vata exercises are yoga, dance aerobics, short hikes, and light bicycling. I can completely get behind that. 
I love yoga, and light bicycling is about all I’m capable of.
But my very favorite form of exercise is weight training, which is a Kapha exercise. I have very little Kapha according to the questionnaire. Which doesn’t mean I can’t do it, of course, but it surprises me that I love it so much if it’s not really what fits my type. So that raises a bit of doubt.
He recommends going meatless two or three days a week, which doesn’t sit well with me; I’m a total carnivore. But I’m willing to give it a try; I won’t do vegan but I can definitely limit myself to nuts and dairy for my protein on a day or two. Then you’re supposed to, one day a week, take in nothing but liquids. You can have anything you want, you just have to liquefy it. This is supposed to eliminate ama (a product of improper digestion, a negative energy), strengthen digestion, and restore balance. So…that will involve definite restructuring for me but it’s not a bad thought as I’d already considered doing a juice fast once a week or so anyway.
You’re supposed to eliminate red meat as much as possible. Again, I can do this, but I don’t want to. But then, as I am so fond of quoting, “If we want what we have never had, we must do what we have never done.” Which means change. Duh. So.
You’re supposed to avoid cold foods and drinks. Meals should be freshly cooked. Even vegetables are supposed to be cooked; he doesn’t really encourage a lot of raw produce. Some, but not a lot. Very contrary to what I’ve learned, and I’m unsure about this as well.
He wants you to sip hot water throughout the day. Can I just say how repellent this sounds to me? I know people do it but I don’t like drinking water if it’s even room temperature. Another big adjustment.
There are some basic tips that really are in keeping with what we all have learned to be smart, but I like the way he states them:
- Eat in a settled and quiet atmosphere
- Always sit down to eat
- Never eat when you’re upset
- Eat to the point of comfort, not fullness, and never beyond 3/4 of your capacity
- Focus completely on your food
- Eat slowly
- Sit quietly and relax for a few minutes after you finish eating.
But he also says not to eat for at least three hours and more like six, after a meal. Since I eat six small meals a day, this is very, very different. It’s more like the way I used to eat, which scares me. But then, I won’t be eating the same things I used to eat. So I’m not sure about this one. He does say if you must snack, make it something light like a piece of fruit.
Breakfast is supposed to be a very small meal if you eat it at all, lunch the big, main meal, and dinner light. I’m not sure how I feel about this, either; the six small, nearly equal meals has been so good for my blood sugar and my weight. So I’m debating it.
There’s much more to the book but the only other main thing I want to talk about is the daily cycle. You have to understand the doshas for it to make complete sense, but the gist of it is that there are certain times of the day when certain aspects of your physiology are more dominant. Therefore, you should always get out of bed before 6 a.m., to avoid sluggishness. You should never eat anything heavy except between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. Exercise is best between 6 a.m. and 10 a.m., and 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. You should always be in bed by 10 p.m.
This actually fits my day pretty well. I’d have to get up a bit earlier, but not that much. I exercise in the evening, so that works out well. And I have always, always tried to be in bed by 10, because frankly I needs me my sleep. The eating thing is hard though. As I said before, spacing my small meals evenly through the day has really worked well for me. I will have to consider this. Although really I guess that’s not contrary to this, because none of those meals would be considered heavy…
Enough for now. More later.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Self-Respect, Social Commentary, weight loss, Womanhood, women's issues
Forgive me…I will warn in advance that this is angry and opinionated and…hostile.
But I mean, honestly. Sometimes people make me so angry I could cry. Here is this father, who is a fashion designer, talking about the sobering discovery that his daughter has an eating disorder, and lamenting the unrealistic standards of the fashion industry that help to create situations like this.
And several comments down, here’s this troll commenting that a size 10 to 12 is only average because Americans are all fat, and we shouldn’t pretend that’s acceptable. And meanwhile, she is a size zero and perfectly healthy. (She’s responding to a somewhat angry comment that the father’s promotion of a size 4 to 6 is not any better than the fashion industry standard of 0 to 2. I thought that comment was a bit overheated too, though I agreed.)
I only commented (mine is about number 41 or so) because I couldn’t reach “J”, to knock her the f&*k out. And it is so good that I couldn’t because I don’t think I’d have stopped kicking her when she lost consciousness…
Am I the only person who is sick to utter death at these women who help perpetuate the myth that we all need to be a particular size? Please don’t misunderstand me…I am on a journey here, striving for the utter limit of good health and wellness and fitness, and I don’t intend to stop ever because, well, you can’t. You don’t get there and then go on vacation. It’s for life. But…
I also accept that “healthy” for me is not the same as “healthy” for someone else. At a size 16/18, I was horribly unhealthy. I was heading for an early grave. At a size 8, I’m in pretty darned good shape. But I know women who, at a size 16/18, are in great shape. They’re strong, they have excellent medical test results, they are athletic, they are happy. For them, health is not about a number or a measurement or a BMI or anything else. I also know women who are a size 2, who can’t carry a damned 24-pack of bottled water and couldn’t finish a 5K if their lives depended on it. It’s not about a number on the scale or the tape measure.
Why do we do this to our daughters? Our sisters, our mothers, our nieces and friends? Ourselves? I am so, so sad. Because it’s bad, it’s really bad, when the faceless media does it to us. It’s unforgiveable when we do it to each other.
Madelaine Albright said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” I believe that. And as far as I’m concerned, “J” has a one-way ticket. If that’s overly hostile…okay. I can live with that.
Just a note for anyone currently suffering from these:
I suffered from panic attacks for literally years…I took Paxil for five years during the worst of them. You can say what you like about SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) but it literally saved my life and my sanity. I have also taken Zoloft (didn’t work) and Lexapro (did!) as well as training in biofeedback and counseling.
This can be done. You do not have to be a prisoner of your own brain chemistry! You do not have to be medicated for the rest of your life, though if you need it, PLEASE take it! Don’t look at it as a stigmatic thing; medication is there to help you and you wouldn’t hesitate if you were a diabetic and needed insulin, would you? It’s the same thing – yes, it IS.
I strongly recommend a combination of medication and therapy, as well as learning techniques like meditation and controlled breathing that will help you to head off the attacks when they do happen. I won’t tell you that I don’t occasionally get hit with one – but now I can deal with it in the first minute or so and stop it in its tracks. I never get to the dizzy, breathless, hyperventilating, hallucinating stage that used to be standard. I can nip it in the bud.
I am no longer on medication, nor am I in therapy, but I have regained control of my life. You can, too, and it’s worth whatever it takes because life is too beautiful to waste in mindless terror!
Don’t give up on this. You can get through it.
