Filed under: Life Lessons, Love, Marriage, Psychobabble, Random thoughts
I have some more thoughts on love.
I believe that love is not born, it is made. I believe that what we think of as love – when you meet someone and “fall in love” with them – is nothing more than a complex cocktail of physical attraction, emotional need, and situational readiness.
You meet someone, and presumably you find them attractive. There is something that makes you look more than once. Perhaps you work with them, and you see them regularly, talk to them, spend time with them. Something in them is attractive to you, probably on a physical level. That’s usually a basic element.
Then there is an emotional need that you have, whatever it may be, that they fill. Perhaps it is for someone to praise you…or comfort you…or intellectually stimulate you…talk to you as though you are an intelligent person…or just like you. There are a million different needs that we have, each of us in our own unique way, and every one of them is valid. Relationships meet needs, or we wouldn’t have them. So this person meets your need for, say, someone who appreciates your ability to whip everyone else’s ass at Trivial Pursuit, as well as your mad driving skills.
And then there is situational readiness. Perhaps you are 27 and thinking that it’s time to get married and start a family (even subconsciously). Perhaps you have been divorced for a few months and are ready to start dating. Or perhaps you just feel that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you and you are restless and looking for validation (which also fills the emotional need category). For whatever reason, you are in a place where you are ready to engage with someone on an intimate, emotional level, whether you know it and acknowledge it or not.
So you “fall in love”.
And then one of two things happens: you stay together and form a strong, lasting relationship, or you don’t.
See, this is where I think real, true, honest love comes in. I think love is made…built…formed and cultivated. I think that it takes shared experiences, emotional give-and-take (both good and bad), trials, life lessons…I think it takes time. It is easy to fall in love…but real love is a different animal entirely, and one that grows but slowly.
Real love, to me, is when you look over at the person next to you…you know that they have done things to hurt you…you know that you have done things to hurt them. You know, and do not forget, all the harsh, angry, unkind, hurtful words that have been exchanged. You remember the frustrations and disappointments. You remember the days when it was almost over…or even when it was over. You remember the nights when you couldn’t stand to be next to them, or they couldn’t stand to be next to you. You remember the coldnesses and the indifference.
You remember all this…and yet still, somehow, you feel that connection, that fundamental and unbreakable bond. There is a current that runs between you, beginning somewhere in the dermal layer of the skin, that is almost like magnetism in its power and sensation. When your hand is close to their skin, you can feel that force between you thrumming and drawing you closer. You can look in their eyes and know their soul – maybe you don’t agree with it all, maybe you don’t even like it all, but you know it. You know them, on a level that is indescribable and breathtaking. And you know them not because you have spent a few weeks together and talked on the phone a lot, or even because you have gotten married and lived together for a few months – but because of so much time and so many shared experiences that your lives have truly meshed, and with them your souls.
It sounds so clichéd to say they are “a part of you” – but it is nearly true. You fit together, but not like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you are so intertwined that it is more like a metal alloy – so intermingled that you could not possibly extricate one without irreparably damaging the other. You aren’t glued together, you are collated. Yes, you are still two separate people, but there are so many connections and ties that if you took one away, the other would not exist in the same form.
We wonder why, when love (real love) dies, it is so hard for us to survive. We feel that we do not know ourselves any more, that our lives have been changed and damaged and possibly even destroyed. This is why. It’s like removing malignant cancer – you can’t get all the growth, without damaging the healthy tissue. Sometimes that tissue can heal, and I think love is like that – there is a lot of damage from excising that love, and it takes a long, long time, but it can eventually heal. It will not have the same form as it did before, though. There will be holes and ragged edges and scar tissue.
I believe this is one reason that it is so hard, when we really and truly have loved, to leave. We know that even though the relationship may have deteriorated to an irreparable state, leaving that person and trying to excise that love is going to tear us apart in ways that will be so hard to heal. We know that we are tearing away parts of ourselves that will not come away from them, leaving those parts behind – and taking with us some parts of them, likewise.
That is painful. It’s unavoidable that it should be painful. We’re not tearing our bodies, but our souls, and they don’t make Lortab for the soul. There’s no pain reliever, and the ones we try are usually ineffective, harmful, or both. Time is the only healer, and it is a harsh and pitiless one.
Love doesn’t always grow like this. Many, many times a couple will fall in love, marry, spend years together, and never truly mesh. They maintain their separateness and continue to be only themselves, with no true intermingling of the souls. And when they split, it hurts, but no more than it hurt to break up with a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. They get over it, they move on. And that’s great for them. And no doubt they really cared about one another – but I don’t think that’s love. Call me whatever you want, I don’t care (you don’t have to read this, after all), but that’s my opinion.
True love is when, no matter how angry you are, you would rather die than hurt that person, because it really and truly hurts you to hurt them. Not when you think that, but when it is true in your soul.
True love is when you are angry but you make excuses to your friends and family anyway, because you can’t stand for your love to be denigrated.
True love is when their touch, and only their touch, really and truly makes it all better.
True love is when you can feel them enter a room, even though you didn’t see or hear them.
True love is when they matter more than you do.
True love is when you know you should leave, but you can’t.
True love is when they hurt you, and you know they shouldn’t have, but you can’t help finding a reason why it’s your own fault, because. Just because.
True love is overrated. It is dangerous. It is incredibly powerful and if you let it, it can destroy you, because you won’t walk away from it no matter what.
True love can be incredibly beautiful, and incredibly painful, and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
It can make you wish you were dead – but it can make life worth living when nothing else does.
If you have it…you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, but think that what you have IS true love, you are pissed off at me right now. Which is fine.
If you don’t have it – refuse to settle for less. Go build it. But please be careful. If the person you are with is inconsiderate, selfish, or downright mean, get out. Don’t let it become true love. Don’t let it grow – because it will only get worse, and you will never walk away. Or you won’t walk away until serious damage has been done, be it physical or emotional. So make sure you are letting it grow with someone you can really and truly trust.
If you do have it, and it’s good – thank God for it, and watch your back.
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Love, Marriage, Money, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal, weight loss
I hesitate to call these New Year’s Resolutions…those are nothing more than rules we make in order to have the mixed joy and shame of breaking them. We don’t really “resolve” anything – we know when we make them that we will not keep them. We make them almost as a sort of game – how long will we keep them this year? How long will it take us to break every one on the list? It is a running joke, for many of us.Funny as this always seems, it strikes me (after having learned so much this year!) that this is really a very self-destructive process. We set ourselves up for failure, and each failure (though we may laugh about it) is another nail in the coffin of our sense of self-worth, of confidence, of capability and trustworthiness. Every single time we fail (having made that nearly inevitable for ourselves) we lose a little more faith in our own abilities and strength. And every ounce of confidence and faith we lose weakens us that much more, making failure even more likely the next time.
I’m not doing that anymore. I am through with tearing myself down. I spent so many years doing that, and not even knowing it; but that phase of my life is over. I am looking forward, eyes on the prize – and the prize is happiness, self-respect, strength and joy. All the things I had lost through my own ignorance and self-doubt. No more!
So this year, I am not making “resolutions”. Instead, I am making a list of things I can do to improve my life, my health, my happiness, and my contribution to the world around me. I may or may not be able to integrate all of these things into my daily life, but I can make myself more aware of the things I, personally, can do to change the world.
So here they are:
1. I can try to meditate, if not daily, at least as often as I can. This strengthens my spirit; it soothes my soul and calms my mind and fills me with a peace and serenity and personal strength that make every day better and more rewarding. This is not only good for me, but for those around me who reap the benefits of my calmer, stronger persona.
2. I can continue my personal journey toward a healthy, strong body. This can be accomplished through maintaining my new, healthy eating habits, and taking every opportunity to engage in healthy exercise, as well as making opportunities when none present themselves. Again, this benefits not only me but also those around me. When I am strong and healthy, I am capable of caring for myself and for others to a much greater extent. I am happier, I am calmer, I am more joyful, and I am setting a wonderful example for my family.
3. I can be as patient as possible with the shortcomings of others. I have long since accepted that I am not perfect, and I should strive to accept that in others as well. I can make allowances for bad-temperedness, for poor manners, for selfishness, for over-criticism, for laziness and other things, WITHOUT seeing those things as acceptable. I can continue to strive to avoid those things in myself, without condemning those around me for not meeting that standard. After all, I will most certainly not manage to eradicate those traits completely from myself; what right, then, do I have to expect a complete absence of them in others? I can be tolerant, recognizing an unpleasant trait without placing blame or passing judgment. There is a Judge who is responsible for this, and it is not me.
4. I can be as loving as it is possible to be. I can strive to release my fears of rejection, of judgment, of scorn and mockery, and offer to those I love and value the very best of my nature. I can show them that they are important to me, that my life is far the better for their presence and would be far the worse for their absence, without fearing that they will not return my regard. My life is bettered by the very act of loving others; if it is returned, then my harvest is twofold, but if it is not, the value of my own act is not lessened. I need not be loved by all whom I love, in order for that love to be a positive force in my life.
5. I can take more time. I can strive to slow down in every aspect of my life, to stop rushing from one thing to another so frenetically that I rarely devote to anything the time that it deserves. I can accept that in the course of a day, there are things that will not be accomplished. Some of them may even be very important things, but at no time will that signal the end of the world. There will always be tomorrow, and if there is not, then I will be beyond any concern for the things of this world. In the time I am given, I will make each moment count, for myself and for those that I love.
6. I can spend more time with my children, just being. I can sit with the Cricket and watch a movie, or play a board game, or go for a walk with the Nightingale or just sit in her bedroom and have a long conversation about nothing much at all. I can show my children that my time is valuable and that they are worth whatever amount of it they need. I can give them the gift of myself, without needing a reason or rushing into something else.
7. I can remember financial prudence. I can be mindful of each dollar spent, as much as I am of each moment lived. I can remember the difference between “need” and “want” and act accordingly, giving to my money the full value that it possesses. Through this, as well, I will be demonstrating good, strong, wise behaviors to my children.
8. I can explore the value of forgiveness. I can remember that the human heart has an infinite capacity for healing, and I need not guard it so fanatically that I refuse to open it to anyone or anything. Like a city under siege from without, its own walls can be its downfall, keeping enemies out but also keeping out nourishment and revitalization. I can remember this and be aware of my own guardedness, striving to open my heart even to those who have hurt it in the past, without flinching from the possibility that they may hurt it again. If they do, I will heal, as many times as necessary – but at least I will have lost no opportunity for the nourishment and revitalization of love and friendship.
9. I can strive for order and organization around me, in my work and in my personal life. I can remember that chaos and lack of structure inevitably result in unhappiness, uncertainty, fear, and, ultimately, loss or regret. Mistakes are made and damage done by a forgotten bill, a missed deadline, or even simply the rush of struggling to get something done at the last possible minute, resulting in lowered standards. I can strive to make my life simple and clean and structured, while allowing time and room for spontaneity and unscheduled laughter.
10. And last, but certainly not least, I can “always be a little kinder than necessary”. I can watch for opportunities to do a kind thing or lend a helpful hand to those around me, whether it is bringing a co-worker documents from the printer or spending a Saturday working at a local shelter. The tiniest acts of kindness do good for both he who gives and he who receives, and no matter how little I may be able to do, I can strive to always do that little.
These are things I can do…things I should do…and things I will try to do, whenever possible. I recognize that I may not always accomplish them, but I also recognize that though I miss thirty opportunities to live by these precepts, if I seize upon a single opportunity, then my life is still better.
I am not perfect, and I will not be perfect – no more than anyone, or anything, in this world is perfect. I will not even STRIVE for perfection, for that, again, is not only inviting but demanding failure. Yet I will strive for betterment, and to live the happiest, fullest, most peaceful and joy-filled life that I can live, in the time I am given. I cannot imagine any better way to live.
