http://www.cec.sped.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home&TEMPLATE=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&CONTENTID=6271
I found this very interesting, particularly the section entitled, “Behavior, Learning and Language”.
A lot of it seems like common sense, but even though we may recognize it as valid, it is probably something we don’t think about in the course of our daily interactions with our children.
I can remember T.’s early school years, when we would try to help her with homework and she (and we!) would get so frustrated. It was a constant fight. Later on, it got easier, but I can remember those struggles so well. We are already experiencing the same thing with B., even though she is very academically gifted, and this article triggered a light bulb for me; the homework isn’t the problem. It is the fact that we are tired, she is tired, nobody wants to be doing it, and we all get frustrated more easily as a result. The approach matters…we have got to pay more attention to how she feels and to using the appropriate language in that setting.
The last thing I want is for either of my children to look at learning as a chore or an unpleasant experience, something to be avoided. I have always adored learning new things and have eagerly approached any learning opportunity with nothing short of excitement. I want them to feel the same way, because if you know that there’s nothing you can’t learn, then chances are there will be nothing you can’t do.
I think we all need to take a little time to research learning patterns and approaches that will help us to bridge the gap between our knowledge and our children’s needs. This is not information for teachers alone – parents need continuing education, too. If you don’t know where to start, Google it! (What did we EVER do before Google?)
Many parents think of teaching as, well, the teacher’s job – not theirs. But the fact is – and it is a fact that is well represented in this article – that you are teaching your child, every second of every day, whether you know it or not. The question then becomes, are you teaching them something you want them to learn?
I don’t say this to make anyone self-conscious or to make anyone second-guess his or her every move. I say it simply to point out that teaching is most definitely not only the teacher’s job. The teacher imparts specific knowledge, but the subject of life is taught not only in the classroom, but every moment of a child’s life and by everyone whom he or she encounters. No one is a more powerful force or a more profound influence on that process than the parent, whether he or she knows it or not.
Take a little time to look into how your child learns. Learn a little bit yourself, about his or her brain functions and the ways in which the brain processes and stores information. You might find yourself thinking up a few new ways to interact, that might improve not only his or her academic progress, but your own relationship.
It’s worth the time. After all, you only get one shot at raising this child, and there are no “do-overs”. Kids don’t, unfortunately, come with an “undo” key.
Filed under: Childhood, Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Love, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Transplants from LiveJournal
I have heard it said that life is a journey…
If this is so, then it is a long and frightening one, and fraught with peril.
Along the way, the trail narrows and grows rough
And in some places, it passes through deep-shadowed caves.
I watch as you, my beloved daughter, step onto that darksome path
I am helpless and worried, knowing your fear and confusion
And knowing that nothing I can do can change the path you must walk.
I cannot lead you through the shadows,
for though I have walked this path myself,
my shadows were my own, and not the same as yours.
I cannot banish the darkness,
for the only light that can penetrate here
is the lovely glow of your own warm and courageous soul.
I cannot even walk before you,
to find and face the dangers,
for this is not my journey, but yours.
But that is all right, and as it should be;
for the steps we take on life’s journey
are both determined by, and formative of,
our own souls.
And sometimes, you must take the steps yourself
Brave the darkness
Learn the road
And by learning it, change it, and make it yours.
And you do not need a light,
Or a map to follow
Or someone to clear your path.
Sometimes, all you need is a hand in the darkness
To tell you that you are not alone, and that while you are afraid,
fear is not debilitating — it need not stop you from taking the steps you must take
And that you will not become lost in the darkness,
For someone is there with you, holding your hand.
So know this, child of my heart:
That though this darkness is your own
And I can neither banish it, nor lead you through –
Still I will be there with you, always, if you will let me…
And I will always hold your hand.
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Love, Marriage, Money, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal, weight loss
I hesitate to call these New Year’s Resolutions…those are nothing more than rules we make in order to have the mixed joy and shame of breaking them. We don’t really “resolve” anything – we know when we make them that we will not keep them. We make them almost as a sort of game – how long will we keep them this year? How long will it take us to break every one on the list? It is a running joke, for many of us.Funny as this always seems, it strikes me (after having learned so much this year!) that this is really a very self-destructive process. We set ourselves up for failure, and each failure (though we may laugh about it) is another nail in the coffin of our sense of self-worth, of confidence, of capability and trustworthiness. Every single time we fail (having made that nearly inevitable for ourselves) we lose a little more faith in our own abilities and strength. And every ounce of confidence and faith we lose weakens us that much more, making failure even more likely the next time.
I’m not doing that anymore. I am through with tearing myself down. I spent so many years doing that, and not even knowing it; but that phase of my life is over. I am looking forward, eyes on the prize – and the prize is happiness, self-respect, strength and joy. All the things I had lost through my own ignorance and self-doubt. No more!
So this year, I am not making “resolutions”. Instead, I am making a list of things I can do to improve my life, my health, my happiness, and my contribution to the world around me. I may or may not be able to integrate all of these things into my daily life, but I can make myself more aware of the things I, personally, can do to change the world.
So here they are:
1. I can try to meditate, if not daily, at least as often as I can. This strengthens my spirit; it soothes my soul and calms my mind and fills me with a peace and serenity and personal strength that make every day better and more rewarding. This is not only good for me, but for those around me who reap the benefits of my calmer, stronger persona.
2. I can continue my personal journey toward a healthy, strong body. This can be accomplished through maintaining my new, healthy eating habits, and taking every opportunity to engage in healthy exercise, as well as making opportunities when none present themselves. Again, this benefits not only me but also those around me. When I am strong and healthy, I am capable of caring for myself and for others to a much greater extent. I am happier, I am calmer, I am more joyful, and I am setting a wonderful example for my family.
3. I can be as patient as possible with the shortcomings of others. I have long since accepted that I am not perfect, and I should strive to accept that in others as well. I can make allowances for bad-temperedness, for poor manners, for selfishness, for over-criticism, for laziness and other things, WITHOUT seeing those things as acceptable. I can continue to strive to avoid those things in myself, without condemning those around me for not meeting that standard. After all, I will most certainly not manage to eradicate those traits completely from myself; what right, then, do I have to expect a complete absence of them in others? I can be tolerant, recognizing an unpleasant trait without placing blame or passing judgment. There is a Judge who is responsible for this, and it is not me.
4. I can be as loving as it is possible to be. I can strive to release my fears of rejection, of judgment, of scorn and mockery, and offer to those I love and value the very best of my nature. I can show them that they are important to me, that my life is far the better for their presence and would be far the worse for their absence, without fearing that they will not return my regard. My life is bettered by the very act of loving others; if it is returned, then my harvest is twofold, but if it is not, the value of my own act is not lessened. I need not be loved by all whom I love, in order for that love to be a positive force in my life.
5. I can take more time. I can strive to slow down in every aspect of my life, to stop rushing from one thing to another so frenetically that I rarely devote to anything the time that it deserves. I can accept that in the course of a day, there are things that will not be accomplished. Some of them may even be very important things, but at no time will that signal the end of the world. There will always be tomorrow, and if there is not, then I will be beyond any concern for the things of this world. In the time I am given, I will make each moment count, for myself and for those that I love.
6. I can spend more time with my children, just being. I can sit with the Cricket and watch a movie, or play a board game, or go for a walk with the Nightingale or just sit in her bedroom and have a long conversation about nothing much at all. I can show my children that my time is valuable and that they are worth whatever amount of it they need. I can give them the gift of myself, without needing a reason or rushing into something else.
7. I can remember financial prudence. I can be mindful of each dollar spent, as much as I am of each moment lived. I can remember the difference between “need” and “want” and act accordingly, giving to my money the full value that it possesses. Through this, as well, I will be demonstrating good, strong, wise behaviors to my children.
8. I can explore the value of forgiveness. I can remember that the human heart has an infinite capacity for healing, and I need not guard it so fanatically that I refuse to open it to anyone or anything. Like a city under siege from without, its own walls can be its downfall, keeping enemies out but also keeping out nourishment and revitalization. I can remember this and be aware of my own guardedness, striving to open my heart even to those who have hurt it in the past, without flinching from the possibility that they may hurt it again. If they do, I will heal, as many times as necessary – but at least I will have lost no opportunity for the nourishment and revitalization of love and friendship.
9. I can strive for order and organization around me, in my work and in my personal life. I can remember that chaos and lack of structure inevitably result in unhappiness, uncertainty, fear, and, ultimately, loss or regret. Mistakes are made and damage done by a forgotten bill, a missed deadline, or even simply the rush of struggling to get something done at the last possible minute, resulting in lowered standards. I can strive to make my life simple and clean and structured, while allowing time and room for spontaneity and unscheduled laughter.
10. And last, but certainly not least, I can “always be a little kinder than necessary”. I can watch for opportunities to do a kind thing or lend a helpful hand to those around me, whether it is bringing a co-worker documents from the printer or spending a Saturday working at a local shelter. The tiniest acts of kindness do good for both he who gives and he who receives, and no matter how little I may be able to do, I can strive to always do that little.
These are things I can do…things I should do…and things I will try to do, whenever possible. I recognize that I may not always accomplish them, but I also recognize that though I miss thirty opportunities to live by these precepts, if I seize upon a single opportunity, then my life is still better.
I am not perfect, and I will not be perfect – no more than anyone, or anything, in this world is perfect. I will not even STRIVE for perfection, for that, again, is not only inviting but demanding failure. Yet I will strive for betterment, and to live the happiest, fullest, most peaceful and joy-filled life that I can live, in the time I am given. I cannot imagine any better way to live.
My 7-year-old gave me a heartbreaking wake-up call some time back.
I had told her, “I’m sorry we had a rough day. I don’t like having to get on to you all the time. But even though it was rough, I still love you.”
And she said…
“Sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.”
Ouch.
It makes me realize that I have got to stop being so impatient to get through every day. I need to be kinder and less critical and more THERE for them. Life has made me so rushed and distracted that I feel I don’t have time to be nice, and that’s just crazy and stupid.
So soon, they will both be gone and I will no longer be a part of their lives…I will not lose these days to regret through a mad dash to some undefined and probably nonexistent finish line. I will treasure each moment with them and act in such a way that they will be able to treasure each moment also. After all, there are only so many moments in a life.
One night she wanted me to read to her; the deal is, she has to be asleep by 8:30. So if she wants me to read to her, she has to be in bed by no later than 8. Then I will lie down with her and read to her for a while, then hold her while she goes to sleep.
This particular night, I had a ton of stuff to get done and was impatient for her to go to sleep so I could get started. She asked me to read to her and I told her, “No, it’s 8:15. You know the rule; if you aren’t in bed by 8, I can’t read to you. You wanted to watch (whatever it was), and so you didn’t get in bed by 8. You need to understand that you only have so much time in a day, and you have to think about how you are going to spend it. Make it count. Figure out what is most important to you and do that first.”
The point at which the italics start in the above paragraph is the point at which I started hearing my own words as though they were being reflected back at me through a megaphone. I was talking to myself, I realized.
No matter what I had to accomplish that night, no matter how many things “needed” to be done, none of them – not one! – was more important than spending a few minutes reading to my daughter and cuddling her. But it took that moment, that soul-feeding moment (see The Simple and the Profound, below) to make me realize it.
Needless to say, I stayed and read to her. No more running for the goal line. The journey itself is the prize, and the moments along the way, when treasured, bear a distinct air of the divine.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Motherhood, Parenting, Social Commentary, weight loss
I’ve been thinking again…
Losing weight is something that the vast majority of people in America are trying to do – whether they in fact need to or not.
Well, let me qualify that. It is something they want to do; they may not really be trying. More on that later.
There is multimillion-dollar industry built around this desire, from pills and powders to gyms and clinics, online programs, books, videos, exercise tools…it’s all part and parcel of the desire of Americans to be slim, svelte, and sexy. You can turn on your television at any hour of the day and night and, if you are willing to invest a few minutes of surfing, find a program, commerical, or infomercial discussing weight loss and how the product/program/facility advertised is the only way you are ever really going to “lose the weight and keep it off”.
(The second half of that statement is fairly important, because most of us have, at some point in our lives, been successful at losing weight. Unfortunately, we have also been very successful at finding it again. But that’s a topic for another post.)
So why, if we are so consumed with the desire for slim, shapely bodies, are so many of us so fat? (Yeah, I said the F-word, get over it. I don’t pull punches, sorry.)
There are a lot, a LOT, of excuses for why we cannot be a slim, healthy society. Lack of time and too much stress are probably the biggest offenders, according to popular wisdom; lack of willpower and temptation-bombardment by the advertising industry run a close second; and then of course there are a lot of us who find more scientific-sounding reasons, like bad genes or glandular issues or medications we are taking. And the truth is, most of those do, indeed, play a part in our recurring failures.
But I have to wonder – we are not, as a whole, a stupid, lazy, weak people. We have not built an amazingly complex society and one of the richest, most powerful nations in the world by being any of those things. Sure, we have our moments, but generally speaking we are intelligent, inventive, resourceful, and strong.
Even individually, you look at your average person who is overweight. Yes, you may be looking at someone uneducated, someone who is subsisting at the minimum level because he or she is “shiftless” or unmotivated – but the chances are better that he or she is none of those things. Chances are good that he or she is gainfully employed, probably well-educated, successful at his or her job and with his or her relationships and family life. He or she probably has a good paying job, a spouse, and children who are fairly happy and well-adjusted. None of those things come from being lazy and weak.
So what is the problem? If we are smart enough and strong enough to educate ourselves and succeed in other areas of our lives, why can we not build a healthy lifestyle and stick to it?
I think one answer (one of many) is that weight loss is a process of deferred reward. We, as a society, have become conditioned to expect immediate results from everything we do. Touch a button, and your TV comes on; another button, and it’s on the station you want to watch. Even better, it will record the show and, with another button-touch, play it back for you. A couple more buttons will give you last night’s lasagna, reheated and ready to enjoy. (And that lasagna may well have started out frozen, or came from a local restaurant. We won’t even talk about the chemicals it contains.) A couple of mouse clicks, and you’re reading messages from your friends around the globe. Immediate, easy, tangible results, with very little thought or effort on your part.
Hop in your car, drive a mile or so, and you’ve got a lovely meal right there in your hot little hands. It isn’t a healthy one, but it tastes great, all greasy and salty and…
Weight loss, however, does not work that way. It is a process of consistent, thoughtful application and effort. You can afford to slip a little every now and then, but for the most part you must remain on task consistently for not hours or days, but months and even years. You must build a new lifestyle – and you aren’t going to get great feedback on a daily basis. Many of us who are trying to lose weight become “scale junkies” – stepping on the scale daily or even several times a day – searching for that immediate feedback, that instant gratification. “Look, I ate a grapefruit and some peanuts for breakfast, and I did 100 crunches! Time for some feedback from Mr. Friendly Scale!” Only that never works, NEVER. “Mr. Friendly Scale” all too soon becomes “Evil Purple Scale” or some equivalent thereof, because he NEVER cooperates! Which is why most weight loss programs recommend weighing once a week; usually you can expect SOME kind of results in that time, though they probably won’t be what you’re hoping for.
We are trained, taught and conditioned to expect immediate results for our effort, and with weight loss you simply don’t get it. We are not trained to patience and persistence, because most of the time in our society they simply aren’t needed, and therefore are not usually rewarded. For the most part, that doesn’t cause us much grief, but when it comes to losing weight, it will cripple you and take you completely out of the game.
I think it would be a great idea if someone set up a retraining program to educate people about patience and persistent effort, before they start losing weight. Maybe that would be a good component of a weight-loss clinic. The only problem is, I don’t know if it’s possible. How do you overcome a lifetime of mental conditioning? We all know children absorb conditioning like this much more easily than adults, so the deck is stacked against us to begin with.
What also scares me about this is that this particular problem is only getting worse. Our children are exposed to more and more immediate gratification every day, as technology becomes more advanced and refined. In addition, we are not teaching them healthy habits and are feeding them the same kinds of foods that made us fat to begin with. Even when we think we are giving them a healthy alternative, often it is not much better. (Sugar, even disguised in a fruit roll-up or a tube of “portable yogurt”, is still sugar!) Whole foods are healthy, but not generally as convenient as the processed alternatives. I don’t think this augers well for the battle against of our nation’s “obesity epidemic”.
Individually, we need to start taking responsibility for changing this, NOW. We need to start teaching our children not only what is healthy and what isn’t, but WHY. It isn’t enough to say “chips are bad for you” – you have got to give them the reason behind it. Dumb it down as far as you think you need to, put it in terms they can understand, but get the information to them. Don’t wait until they’re “older, and can understand”. Kids can understand an amazing amount, and you’re teaching them constantly whether you realize it or not. Make sure you’re teaching them the right things. And we need to find some way of teaching them the value of patience, persistence, and consistent effort.
Yeah, I know, I sound preachy, but this matters. The battle is hard enough for us; I desperately don’t want it to be even harder for my children. And they may be slender and healthy now – but so was I, at that age.