Filed under: Childhood, Fear and Pain, Happiness and Joy, Love, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Transplants from LiveJournal
I have heard it said that life is a journey…
If this is so, then it is a long and frightening one, and fraught with peril.
Along the way, the trail narrows and grows rough
And in some places, it passes through deep-shadowed caves.
I watch as you, my beloved daughter, step onto that darksome path
I am helpless and worried, knowing your fear and confusion
And knowing that nothing I can do can change the path you must walk.
I cannot lead you through the shadows,
for though I have walked this path myself,
my shadows were my own, and not the same as yours.
I cannot banish the darkness,
for the only light that can penetrate here
is the lovely glow of your own warm and courageous soul.
I cannot even walk before you,
to find and face the dangers,
for this is not my journey, but yours.
But that is all right, and as it should be;
for the steps we take on life’s journey
are both determined by, and formative of,
our own souls.
And sometimes, you must take the steps yourself
Brave the darkness
Learn the road
And by learning it, change it, and make it yours.
And you do not need a light,
Or a map to follow
Or someone to clear your path.
Sometimes, all you need is a hand in the darkness
To tell you that you are not alone, and that while you are afraid,
fear is not debilitating — it need not stop you from taking the steps you must take
And that you will not become lost in the darkness,
For someone is there with you, holding your hand.
So know this, child of my heart:
That though this darkness is your own
And I can neither banish it, nor lead you through –
Still I will be there with you, always, if you will let me…
And I will always hold your hand.
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Happiness and Joy, Health and Fitness, Love, Marriage, Money, Motherhood, Old Stuff, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal, weight loss
I hesitate to call these New Year’s Resolutions…those are nothing more than rules we make in order to have the mixed joy and shame of breaking them. We don’t really “resolve” anything – we know when we make them that we will not keep them. We make them almost as a sort of game – how long will we keep them this year? How long will it take us to break every one on the list? It is a running joke, for many of us.Funny as this always seems, it strikes me (after having learned so much this year!) that this is really a very self-destructive process. We set ourselves up for failure, and each failure (though we may laugh about it) is another nail in the coffin of our sense of self-worth, of confidence, of capability and trustworthiness. Every single time we fail (having made that nearly inevitable for ourselves) we lose a little more faith in our own abilities and strength. And every ounce of confidence and faith we lose weakens us that much more, making failure even more likely the next time.
I’m not doing that anymore. I am through with tearing myself down. I spent so many years doing that, and not even knowing it; but that phase of my life is over. I am looking forward, eyes on the prize – and the prize is happiness, self-respect, strength and joy. All the things I had lost through my own ignorance and self-doubt. No more!
So this year, I am not making “resolutions”. Instead, I am making a list of things I can do to improve my life, my health, my happiness, and my contribution to the world around me. I may or may not be able to integrate all of these things into my daily life, but I can make myself more aware of the things I, personally, can do to change the world.
So here they are:
1. I can try to meditate, if not daily, at least as often as I can. This strengthens my spirit; it soothes my soul and calms my mind and fills me with a peace and serenity and personal strength that make every day better and more rewarding. This is not only good for me, but for those around me who reap the benefits of my calmer, stronger persona.
2. I can continue my personal journey toward a healthy, strong body. This can be accomplished through maintaining my new, healthy eating habits, and taking every opportunity to engage in healthy exercise, as well as making opportunities when none present themselves. Again, this benefits not only me but also those around me. When I am strong and healthy, I am capable of caring for myself and for others to a much greater extent. I am happier, I am calmer, I am more joyful, and I am setting a wonderful example for my family.
3. I can be as patient as possible with the shortcomings of others. I have long since accepted that I am not perfect, and I should strive to accept that in others as well. I can make allowances for bad-temperedness, for poor manners, for selfishness, for over-criticism, for laziness and other things, WITHOUT seeing those things as acceptable. I can continue to strive to avoid those things in myself, without condemning those around me for not meeting that standard. After all, I will most certainly not manage to eradicate those traits completely from myself; what right, then, do I have to expect a complete absence of them in others? I can be tolerant, recognizing an unpleasant trait without placing blame or passing judgment. There is a Judge who is responsible for this, and it is not me.
4. I can be as loving as it is possible to be. I can strive to release my fears of rejection, of judgment, of scorn and mockery, and offer to those I love and value the very best of my nature. I can show them that they are important to me, that my life is far the better for their presence and would be far the worse for their absence, without fearing that they will not return my regard. My life is bettered by the very act of loving others; if it is returned, then my harvest is twofold, but if it is not, the value of my own act is not lessened. I need not be loved by all whom I love, in order for that love to be a positive force in my life.
5. I can take more time. I can strive to slow down in every aspect of my life, to stop rushing from one thing to another so frenetically that I rarely devote to anything the time that it deserves. I can accept that in the course of a day, there are things that will not be accomplished. Some of them may even be very important things, but at no time will that signal the end of the world. There will always be tomorrow, and if there is not, then I will be beyond any concern for the things of this world. In the time I am given, I will make each moment count, for myself and for those that I love.
6. I can spend more time with my children, just being. I can sit with Brennah and watch a movie, or play a board game, or go for a walk with Tiara or Scott, or just sit in Tiara’s bedroom and have a long conversation about nothing much at all. I can show my children that my time is valuable and that they are worth whatever amount of it they need. I can give them the gift of myself, without needing a reason or rushing into something else.
7. I can remember financial prudence. I can be mindful of each dollar spent, as much as I am of each moment lived. I can remember the difference between “need” and “want” and act accordingly, giving to my money the full value that it possesses. Through this, as well, I will be demonstrating good, strong, wise behaviors to my children.
8. I can explore the value of forgiveness. I can remember that the human heart has an infinite capacity for healing, and I need not guard it so fanatically that I refuse to open it to anyone or anything. Like a city under siege from without, its own walls can be its downfall, keeping enemies out but also keeping out nourishment and revitalization. I can remember this and be aware of my own guardedness, striving to open my heart even to those who have hurt it in the past, without flinching from the possibility that they may hurt it again. If they do, I will heal, as many times as necessary – but at least I will have lost no opportunity for the nourishment and revitalization of love and friendship.
9. I can strive for order and organization around me, in my work and in my personal life. I can remember that chaos and lack of structure inevitably result in unhappiness, uncertainty, fear, and, ultimately, loss or regret. Mistakes are made and damage done by a forgotten bill, a missed deadline, or even simply the rush of struggling to get something done at the last possible minute, resulting in lowered standards. I can strive to make my life simple and clean and structured, while allowing time and room for spontaneity and unscheduled laughter.
10. And last, but certainly not least, I can “always be a little kinder than necessary”. I can watch for opportunities to do a kind thing or lend a helpful hand to those around me, whether it is bringing a co-worker documents from the printer or spending a Saturday working at a local shelter. The tiniest acts of kindness do good for both he who gives and he who receives, and no matter how little I may be able to do, I can strive to always do that little.
These are things I can do…things I should do…and things I will try to do, whenever possible. I recognize that I may not always accomplish them, but I also recognize that though I miss thirty opportunities to live by these precepts, if I seize upon a single opportunity, then my life is still better.
I am not perfect, and I will not be perfect – no more than anyone, or anything, in this world is perfect. I will not even STRIVE for perfection, for that, again, is not only inviting but demanding failure. Yet I will strive for betterment, and to live the happiest, fullest, most peaceful and joy-filled life that I can live, in the time I am given. I cannot imagine any better way to live.
Filed under: Happiness and Joy, Old Stuff, Random thoughts, Spirituality, Transplants from LiveJournal
Spring is here, really and truly here at last. It wasn’t really a hard winter; in fact, we didn’t HAVE a winter until late, probably mid-January really. But then it was so cold, so snowy, so bleak and dreary…
Sometimes I wonder if what bothers me about winter isn’t the visual aspect – the leafless trees; the browns and grays that predominate instead of the lovely greens of spring and summer; the weak, watery sunlight – but rather the ebb of the life force in the earth around me. Because for some reason, my mood starts to lift even before the colors change; it’s as if I can feel the life force rising in everything around me, and my spirit responds. Maybe it’s more prosaic than that – probably it is. Probably it is my neurochemical reaction to the strengthening sunlight and longer hours of daylight. Probably it is purely scientific in nature and nothing to get excited about. But it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t seem that way, and I don’t care. I like this feeling, the notion that I am a part of the network of life and energy around me and I respond to it as it responds to me. I like being alive and energized and awake and in touch, connected to everything out there. If I’m fruity, okay. That’s fine. I like fruity.
I like walking, feeling every footstep as a momentary burst of connection to the earth and all that is in it. I like breathing the damp, misty air and taking in the scent of earth, of small green things springing into the light, of early buds and blooms. I like the first bursts of birdsong on a Saturday morning, when every single little winged thing is pouring its heart into a paean of joy at the return of the sun. I love listening to the hiss and rush of water over stones in the creekbed as I’m experiencing all of this, and wondering at so much beauty just a few feet from my doorstep. I like being so lifted, so transported by this experience, of a simple morning walk, that I am dizzy with the sensations and the euphoria.
I wish that I could hold on to that, that I could carry it with me all day. I wish there were a pocket in which I could store it away, to be touched and savored whenever daily life, with all its petty irritations and intolerances, begins to weigh my spirit down. Life is joy, life should be joy, and when we say “life gets you down” we don’t really mean life. We mean the petty, artificial motions and routines and jealousies and dissatisfactions that we call life. They are not life. Life is around us – life is out there to be seen and heard and felt and smelled – but it is not these things. These things are only a superstructure, a framework that we build around our feelings and thoughts to give them form – but we are poor sculptors and the shape we make falls far short of the reality.
I wish that I could know that always, and not just at these brief moments of glorious epiphany. I wish that I could burn this knowledge into my soul, to bear with me every second, so that when I hear a word or see an action that brings a sullen twist of angry dissatisfaction to my mouth, I could retreat into this knowledge and counter that word or action with a smile, with an upward lift of true joy that would startle the do-er or say-er into perhaps, for one moment, sharing that knowledge.
I wish that I could spread joy, that I could be the “carrier” of this seed of truth and joy…perhaps that is my true goal in life. To be merely a vessel for truth and joy and the glory of life, a conduit through which it is transported to touch the lives of others. To do that, however, I must first allow it to fill me, and I am afraid that is where I falter.
Thich Nhat Hanh says that we must be mindful, must water the seeds of joy and compassion, and treat with gentle understanding the seeds of anger so that they can bloom into loving kindness. I do strive to do that…I must strive, not harder, but more. I must be mindful and water the right seeds, so that the garden of my soul is a beautiful one and not a place of fear and anger and intolerance.
Perhaps that is the entire purpose of winter – to provide a backdrop for the glory of spring, which will remind us through its very contrast of the beauty of life? For it is at this time of year that I find myself thinking these thoughts; not in the riotous heat and noise of summer, nor the calm unwinding of fall (maybe a little, but not so much), nor the quiet stillness of the waiting winter, but in the glorious burst of beauty and life that is spring.
