Haven’t posted here in a while as I’ve been busy elsewhere, but I saw this and couldn’t resist.
This concerns me. Most of all, I am concerned by their criteria. Evidently, if you embrace any belief other than mainstream Christianity, you are open to demon possession. And if you exhibit signs of same (read: abnormal behavior) you will be “treated” accordingly, at least in Poland. Right now, apparently seeking help is at least partially voluntary…but can anyone say “slippery slope”? And how quickly we forget this and similar incidents…
Excerpt:
Jankowski cited the case of a woman who asked for a divorce days after renewing her wedding vows as part of a marriage counseling program. What was suspicious, he said, was how the wife suddenly developed a passionate hatred for her husband.
“According to what I could perceive, the devil was present and acting in an obvious way,” he said. “How else can you explain how a wife, in the space of a couple of weeks, could come to hate her own husband, a man who is a good person?”
I can’t decide whether I should laugh or cry. I can think of a LOT of things that would explain a “sudden passionate hatred” particularly in a relationship that was already in difficulty. (They were, after all, in marriage counseling.) This is “evidence” of demon possession? God help you if you’re in Poland and you’re an undiagnosed bipolar or schizophrenic…
What I found most ironic about this was the next-to-last quote: “People are worried about the potential for crazy people coming here,” said Ksawery Nyks, 50, a longtime resident.
I think it’s too late – the crazy people are already there. And I am not talking about the schizophrenics.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Motherhood, Parenting, Rants, Social Commentary, women's issues
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/state-has-epidemic-of-pregnant-smokers/20071023091809990001
This article and the associated “comments” resonated with me intensely, because I live in West Virginia and I have seen this “epidemic” firsthand.
Of the 36 employees at my firm, 28 of them are women. Of those women, five have been pregnant at some point during my tenure here. Of those five, three of them smoke – and smoked throughout their pregnancies.
When asked why, they said, “I just can’t quit” and “It makes the baby smaller, so it’s easier to deliver.”
These are not stupid, backwoods, uneducated rednecks. These are otherwise intelligent, responsible people. Evidently somewhat selfish and misinformed, but otherwise not bad people. It is hard for me to believe that they could make such a bad decision, but they did.
Walk down any West Virginia street, any day of the year, and you will see about two of every five people brandishing a lit cigarette. It’s not just pregnant women, folks – smoking in general is epidemic in this state. These are people who started smoking in middle school, if not even earlier, and who are very likely never going to kick the habit, not even for their unborn children. You can teach them all you want, in middle school and high school, about the dangers of tobacco use – which some of the asshole commentators on the above article seem to think are bogus! – but you will never break them of a habit that is not only endorsed but shared by their friends, family members, and role models.
It is sad and scary, because it is becoming worse, not better. And those who will ultimately pay the price are the children, who will suffer from various health problems, and the taxpayers, who will inevitably pay for the medical care these children will need in the majority of cases. And those same children will enter the same social environment that promoted smoking in their parents – and will probably take up the habit themselves at a young age.
It is all too easy for people to sit at home feeling comfortably intelligent, educated, cultured and superior, and sneer at the “stupid rednecks” who would do something like this. That is behavior typical of the majority of those who like to think of themselves as being of the “upper classes”, but it isn’t solving any problems. Meanwhile, the epidemic is growing to the point that smoking in movies and television shows – once, at the height of the anti-smoking frenzy, unthinkable – is once again common and unremarkable.
So…those of you who are sneering at the “stupid rednecks” – please remember that epidemics spread. Today, it is Martha Jean from Williamson, West Virginia, who is getting hooked at the ripe old age of ten. But as smoking once again becomes not only non-vilified but “cool”, it may well, in the future, be your child or grandchild. I hope to God it’s not mine, and instead of passing judgment and feeling safely “above all that”, I intend to do everything I can to make sure that the children in my daughter’s elementary school are learning why it’s not safe, and how they can avoid the temptation.
This should be a wake-up call, though sadly, it probably won’t be – because it’s West Virginia, and most people feel safe in condemning it as a state full of ignorant rednecks, though those passing such judgment have never been here and know only what they have heard or read. So it will be easily dismissed and ignored, and by the time it’s this prevalent in other states, it will no longer be uncommon enough to draw comment.
Sad, but true.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Motherhood, Parenting, Rants, Social Commentary
Yep, I’m going to weigh in on this one, too.
If a medication is inherently dangerous – taking it in the normal, recommended dosage will or may harm you in ways that seriously outweigh any benefit you might receive – then absolutely, they should be removed from the market. If these medications are inherently dangerous to our children, then I would agree they should be pulled.
But that is apparently not the case. The medications are being pulled for “overdose danger”. Evidently, there are so many illiterate or otherwise incapacitated people – or simply lazy or stupid ones who do not read directions – that now none of us can have the benefit of these medications for our children.
And before you quote at me the statements that have been made indicating that these medications have no real benefit, let me assure you that I know better. I have a daughter who suffers from allergies and asthma, and who is extremely susceptible to cold viruses. In fact, she has a cold right now. For years, Triaminic’s chewable cough and cold tablets were the only thing that helped her breathe at night. Now, she has graduated to the liquid Triaminic, but sometimes needs Robitussin. Perhaps it is simply a placebo effect (though that is hard to imagine, with an 8-year-old), but for whatever reason, they work.
Or they did, when you could still buy them. Why is it that the idiocy of a few has to equal the inconvenience of the many?
That said, I am waiting to see the end verdict as to this recall. I strongly suspect that there is more to the story; that there is, in fact, some indication somewhere that these medications are actively harmful. I cannot imagine any company pulling a drug because of overdose danger. (Or perhaps I simply do not wish to imagine it, because it is stupid.) And if it turns out that this is the case, then I will be glad that I cannot, tonight, pick up the cold medicine my daughter needs and give her a dose – not an overdose, a dose. But right now, I am irritated, and will be more so when I listen to her cough this evening. I dare say she will be a bit irritated, too.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Motherhood, Parenting, Social Commentary, weight loss
I’ve been thinking again…
Losing weight is something that the vast majority of people in America are trying to do – whether they in fact need to or not.
Well, let me qualify that. It is something they want to do; they may not really be trying. More on that later.
There is multimillion-dollar industry built around this desire, from pills and powders to gyms and clinics, online programs, books, videos, exercise tools…it’s all part and parcel of the desire of Americans to be slim, svelte, and sexy. You can turn on your television at any hour of the day and night and, if you are willing to invest a few minutes of surfing, find a program, commerical, or infomercial discussing weight loss and how the product/program/facility advertised is the only way you are ever really going to “lose the weight and keep it off”.
(The second half of that statement is fairly important, because most of us have, at some point in our lives, been successful at losing weight. Unfortunately, we have also been very successful at finding it again. But that’s a topic for another post.)
So why, if we are so consumed with the desire for slim, shapely bodies, are so many of us so fat? (Yeah, I said the F-word, get over it. I don’t pull punches, sorry.)
There are a lot, a LOT, of excuses for why we cannot be a slim, healthy society. Lack of time and too much stress are probably the biggest offenders, according to popular wisdom; lack of willpower and temptation-bombardment by the advertising industry run a close second; and then of course there are a lot of us who find more scientific-sounding reasons, like bad genes or glandular issues or medications we are taking. And the truth is, most of those do, indeed, play a part in our recurring failures.
But I have to wonder – we are not, as a whole, a stupid, lazy, weak people. We have not built an amazingly complex society and one of the richest, most powerful nations in the world by being any of those things. Sure, we have our moments, but generally speaking we are intelligent, inventive, resourceful, and strong.
Even individually, you look at your average person who is overweight. Yes, you may be looking at someone uneducated, someone who is subsisting at the minimum level because he or she is “shiftless” or unmotivated – but the chances are better that he or she is none of those things. Chances are good that he or she is gainfully employed, probably well-educated, successful at his or her job and with his or her relationships and family life. He or she probably has a good paying job, a spouse, and children who are fairly happy and well-adjusted. None of those things come from being lazy and weak.
So what is the problem? If we are smart enough and strong enough to educate ourselves and succeed in other areas of our lives, why can we not build a healthy lifestyle and stick to it?
I think the answer (one of many) is that weight loss is a process of deferred reward. We, as a society, have become conditioned to expect immediate results from everything we do. Touch a button, and your TV comes on; another button, and it’s on the station you want to watch. Even better, it will record the show and, with another button-touch, play it back for you. A couple more buttons will give you last night’s lasagna, reheated and ready to enjoy. (And that lasagna probably started out frozen, or came from a local restaurant.) A couple of mouse clicks, and you’re reading messages from your friends around the globe. Immediate, easy, tangible results, with very little thought or effort on your part.
Hop in your car, drive a mile or so, and you’ve got a lovely meal right there in your hot little hands. It isn’t a healthy one, but it tastes great, all greasy and salty and…
Weight loss, however, does not work that way. It is a process of consistent, thoughtful application and effort. You can afford to slip a little every now and then, but for the most part you must remain on task consistently for not hours or days, but months and even years. You must build a new lifestyle – and you aren’t going to get great feedback on a daily basis. Many of us who are trying to lose weight become “scale junkies” – stepping on the scale daily or even several times a day – searching for that immediate feedback, that instant gratification. “Look, I ate a grapefruit and some peanuts for breakfast, and I did 100 crunches! Time for some feedback from Mr. Friendly Scale!” Only that never works, NEVER. “Mr. Friendly Scale” all too soon becomes “Evil Purple Scale” or some equivalent thereof, because he NEVER cooperates! Which is why most weight loss programs recommend weighing once a week; usually you can expect SOME kind of results in that time, though they probably won’t be what you’re hoping for.
We are trained, taught and conditioned to expect immediate results for our effort, and with weight loss you simply don’t get it. We are not trained to patience and persistence, because most of the time in our society they simply aren’t needed, and therefore are not usually rewarded. For the most part, that doesn’t cause us much grief, but when it comes to losing weight, it will cripple you and take you completely out of the game.
I think it would be a great idea if someone set up a retraining program to educate people about patience and persistent effort, before they start losing weight. Maybe that would be a good component of a weight-loss clinic. The only problem is, I don’t know if it’s possible. How do you overcome a lifetime of mental conditioning? We all know children absorb conditioning like this much more easily than adults, so the deck is stacked against us to begin with.
What also scares me about this is that this particular problem is only getting worse. Our children are exposed to more and more immediate gratification every day, as technology becomes more advanced and refined. In addition, we are not teaching them healthy habits and are feeding them the same kinds of foods that made us fat to begin with. Even when we think we are giving them a healthy alternative, often it is not much better. (Sugar, even disguised in a fruit roll-up or a tube of “portable yogurt”, is still sugar!) I don’t think this augers well for the battle against of our nation’s “obesity epidemic”.
Individually, we need to start taking responsibility for changing this, NOW. We need to start teaching our children not only what is healthy and what isn’t, but WHY. It isn’t enough to say “chips are bad for you” – you have got to give them the reason behind it. Dumb it down as far as you think you need to, put it in terms they can understand, but get the information to them. Don’t wait until they’re “older, and can understand”. Kids can understand an amazing amount, and you’re teaching them constantly whether you realize it or not. Make sure you’re teaching them the right things.
Yeah, I know, I sound preachy, but this matters. The battle is hard enough for us; I desperately don’t want it to be even harder for my children. And they may be slender and healthy now – but so was I, at that age.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Motherhood, Parenting, Rants, Social Commentary, weight loss
Okay, I’ve been thinking again.
It occurs to me that if the alcohol-producing industry in the not-too-distant past had had one-tenth the lobbying power that the snack-food and beverage-producing industry has now, it would still be legal to sell alcohol to minors.
Now, stay with me. I agree that it is a horrible thought, that we might provide alcohol knowingly to our children. It is an addictive and potentially dangerous substance, and one that can cause physical damage when consumed in large quantities or consistently over long periods of time. Of course we shouldn’t provide that to children!
Now…having said that…let’s talk about caffeine.
Yeah, you heard right. Caffeine. It’s potentially beneficial in small amounts – just like red wine! It’s potentially lethal in large amounts – just like whisky! It’s potentially damaging over the long haul, when consumed consistently over the course of years – just like tequila! People under the influence of excessive amounts of caffeine have certainly been known to exhibit aggressive and even violent behavior – just like people under the influce of alcohol! Road rage, anyone?
But we don’t hesitate to give it to our kids. (Well, “we” meaning our society – because personally, I do hesitate.)
Let’s talk about sugar. Yep, you guessed it – potentially beneficial in small amounts, potentially lethal in large amounts or when consumed consistently over long periods of time – diabetes, anyone? Obesity, with its attendant risks of heart attack and stroke? But again, we don’t hesitate to give it to our kids.
Why is that? Because we, ourselves, are so addicted that we refuse to see potential dangers in these commonplace drugs? (Yes, I said drugs.) Or is it simply that they ARE so commonplace, that we cannot see the forest for the trees – that we see nothing wrong with them simply because the rest of our society sees nothing wrong with them?
It concerns me. As an adult who is still struggling to overcome very powerful addictions to both these uncontrolled substances, and a mother who has no wish to watch her children fight that same battle but who knows they will because she did not wise up soon enough – it concerns me greatly.
Potato chips, candy bars, Cokes…all things that kids love, and that we probably admit out loud they shouldn’t have too much of – but come on, what can it hurt?
Well, down the road, it can hurt a lot.
Filed under: Life Lessons, Motherhood, Psychobabble, Self-Respect, Social Commentary, Spirituality
In surfing idly about beliefnet, I came across the following post:
http://blog.beliefnet.com/virtualtalmud/2007/09/the-power-of-sin.html
I am not Jewish, but then I think that the topics addressed in this blog are hardly unique to the Jewish or any other faith.
I found it particularly laudable that the author decries the contemporary “no-fault” outlook of our society whereby we undertake convoluted verbal and psychological contortions in order to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or giving the appearance of persecution. This has continued to such an extent that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect anyone to take responsibility for his or her own actions. There is always an excuse…there is always a reason why it’s understandable and even excusable.
The question I would pose is this: why is excusing bad behavior desirable? Why do we look for ways to excuse it, even at the expense of our own social health? What is the benefit to society as a whole, let alone the individual, in finding ways to avoid personal responsibility?
There must have been a reason that we started doing this. Was it simply to avoid conflict? To prevent bloodshed, whether literal or figurative? At what point did we, as a society, decide that it was better to encourage bad behavior than to hurt feelings?
But I digress. The primary reason this blog struck a chord in me was not my own outrage at the permissibility of poor conduct in others, but rather the encouragement by the author for us to examine our own failings and address the need for change in ourselves.
I will admit, in the past few days, to a certain feeling that it is time for me to stop and examine the areas in which I have fallen short of my own expectations and ideas of proper behavior. I tend to shy away from mentally enumerating these failures, because I have a bad habit of becoming mired in guilt and shame rather than making any sort of coherent plan to correct them. Last night, however, upon giving it some real thought, it occurred to me that I need to give myself permission to examine my failures dispassionately. Guilt and shame do not serve any purpose in this process, and I therefore must allow myself to exclude them. I must accept and allow forgiveness of my own shortcomings.
I think that there is immense and powerful value in the practice of examining one’s own behavior and determining what, among those behaviors, is a valuable contribution to the world around us, and what is in fact a damaging or detracting behavior. It is axiomatic that no one’s behavior affects only him or her; everything that I do or say will in some measure affect everyone and everything around me. That being said, there is a real and pressing need for me to take a mental step back and really look at my behaviors, with an eye not only toward whether they are socially, morally or ethically acceptable, but also toward what their impact may be on those around me.
My particular area of focus in this regard is upon my children – what am I doing that is good for them, and what am I doing that is bad? How can I lessen my negative impacts upon them, and increase the positive? I do not mean how can I make them happier, because we all know that discipline and correction, however mild, are absolutely necessary for proper growth, and frankly I don’t know many children who enjoy either! No, what I mean to do is examine how my behaviors are interpreted by them and what the possible effects, both short-term and long-term, may be. Of course no one can possibly know all of the ramifications of any interaction, but it is completely possible to see the major ramifications, if one is capable of examining the situation objectively.
Do not take this as a rallying cry to self-castigation! As I said, guilt and shame have no place in this process. True repentance involves neither, in truth – there is a wonderful post about this here: http://mredcatholic.wordpress.com/2007/08/02/guilt-is-still-very-popular/
(I’m not Catholic, either, but again this is very relevant to all faiths, I think.)
That, then, is my task for the upcoming days and weeks. Though I may not be Jewish, I see no reason why I cannot embrace and join the Jewish custom of approaching this season of the year with a thoughtful examination of my own failings – call them sins if you will – and a true desire to amend and improve – call it repentance.
The labels may change, and indeed will depending upon your religious and societal orientation – but the experience and practice need not.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Social Commentary, Womanhood, weight loss, women's issues
Okay, NOW I’m pissed.
First, let me state that the outfit Britney was wearing for this performance was a poor choice for anyone, at any time. It is unattractive and tasteless and would make just about anyone look bad.
Having said that, I am beyond incensed at the plethora of “fat” comments engendered by this! I heard the comments before I saw the performance, and looked it up fully expecting to see the visual evidence of a year-long binge. Let’s face it, the girl has been on a bit of a roll lately. I expected that to be reflected in sagging arms, a bulging belly, jiggling cellulite – in short, all of the things advertised in the Web flames.
Frankly, I see none of this. I see a body that is a hell of a lot better than 99% of the women on the planet, and one that most teenage girls wouldn’t be ashamed to claim. I see a shape a little curvier than the one she had pre-babies, but I do not see rolls and bulges and flab. I see arms that are more rounded and less toned than the average Hollywood star’s, but they are not fat, flabby, or unattractive. I see legs that are a little thicker than most of the same Hollywood stars’, but again not flabby or revolting.
Britney does not look the way she once did. She also doesn’t look like a woman who has given birth twice. Frankly, considering the two kids and the lifestyle she has been pursuing, she looks damn good.
In what universe is this fat? I truly want to know. Because I don’t think I want to live in that universe. That is a universe of carrot sticks, water and lettuce, and very little else. A universe of girls learning to hate themselves at an earlier age all the time; of young women starving themselves and abusing their bodies in the name of “beauty” because if they don’t, they are reviled; of the average woman looking at herself with nothing short of disgust and revulsion, no matter how healthy she may be, because she can’t possibly live up to the not only ridiculous but downright dangerous standard that is being held up for her review!
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She is frankly gorgeous, if I do say so myself (and I do). She is 5′4″, with long light-brown hair and greenish-brown eyes, lovely fair skin with a delicate smattering of freckles across her nose, a sweetly curved mouth that smiles a lot, and a knockout figure. If she were a little older, she would be called sexy as hell; as it is, my friends see her and say, “She’s got such a cute figure! She’s on birth control, right?”
She wears a size 6. She probably weighs more than Britney. (The boys who text her constantly don’t seem to mind much, though.)
To the idiots criticizing Britney’s appearance, this beautiful girl would be considered a “tubby chick” and ridiculed for her size. Which, frankly, is utter bullshit. I despair because she thinks she’s fat; I wonder how to make her see that her size is normal, healthy and gorgeous, (and a size I would have killed for at that age!) and that protruding bones do not equal beauty. I agonize over what it does to her self-esteem that she is not a twig. And then I read articles like this one, and I want to throttle somebody.
It is no wonder that young girls everywhere are growing up to be women with enormous self-esteem issues and a complete lack of reason when it comes to their body image. It’s not just the fact that bone-thin women with a silhouette similar to that of a drought-surviving Ethiopian are paraded before us and called “beautiful”. It is the fact that women with an ounce of flesh – whether it’s fat or muscle – are called “tubby”, “chunky”, “fleshy”, and outright “fat”.
I am no fan of Britney Spears. I never have been. The girl needs turned over someone’s knee and taught some manners, some class, and some self-respect. But this is ridiculous, and I am deeply angered on behalf of every female on the planet. It is time that this insanity stopped.
This is interesting on several levels. I find it interesting that nobody seems to approve of this. Meat producers are concerned that it will be off-putting; animal rights activists think it is too sanitized.
I think both stances are wrong. Neither side wants the truth; neither side wants an honest, unvarnished, unsensationalized view of the process from animal to entree. The meat producers want no coverage at all – it is obviously in their best interest if consumers are able to completely avoid thinking of dinner as having ever been a sweet little lamb or soulful little calf. They would prefer to avoid the issue entirely.
The animal rights activists are the opposite – they want the coverage sensationalized; maximize the blood and gore and the screams of the animals as they die (if they scream; I don’t personally know). They want fire and brimstone, to turn off as many consumers as possible.
Personally, I think the middle ground is the best route. I do believe that anyone who consumes should know what he or she is consuming. Consumers need to be aware of the process through which they are provided with products. We have become a nation – nay, a world, of mindless, unthinking devourers with endless and indiscriminate appetites, and we have been enabled to indulge those appetites with neither a sense of nor a concern for the consequences. We are presented with lovely, appetizing food in neatly packaged, sanitized containers, delivered right to our local grocery and purchasable with nary a thought for its origin. We have been enabled, in this as in many other things, to simply refrain from any thought at all.
This is not to our benefit. Witness recent food and merchandise recalls – contaminated food, poorly manufactured products containing physically damaging substances – these things would be far less likely to occur if the general public were informed and discerning when it comes to the items we purchase. We do not research the origin of our children’s toys, or trouble ourselves to see what the constituent parts of them are or are made of. We have bought it; it was on the market, therefore it must be safe – if it weren’t safe, “they” wouldn’t be able to sell it. But we don’t even know who “they” are, or who the nebulous entities are that we think are protecting us.
So yes, I think the public needs to witness the process of meat production. Frankly, I think they should be made to, for a number of reasons.
First, and most importantly, no decision as to a lifestyle should ever be made without as many facts as you can put your mental “hands” on. If you are going to choose to eat meat – or subvarieties of meat such as veal or lamb – you should have made that decision based on the facts as to what it is and how it is produced, not on simple availability. You should weight the benefits of consuming that item against the consequences it brings to you and to the animal. If you then decide to consume it, that is your personal choice and the rest of the world can be damned, because it is not their decision nor their business. But you should do it knowingly. You cannot, or certainly should not, have a clean conscience about any action if you do it in wilful ignorance. The information is available, and you should take advantage of it.
Secondly, as stated above, uninformed choices are often detrimenal to the consumer. If you know the source of your food, you are far more likely to understand the possible problems with it and be more vigilant and cautious, and therefore may be more likely to catch a problem before it adversely affects you.
Information is never a bad thing. Legitimate, sensibly-presented information is a tool of reason. Ignorance and sensationalism are the tools of debasement and the decline of civilization. Or, if you want to look at it that way, evolution in action.
Filed under: Friendship, Life Lessons, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Social Commentary, Womanhood
Well, yesterday has got me musing about the nature and value of friendship.
I am one of those odd people who is perfectly content being by myself about 99 percent of the time. I like having friends, and I will do just about anything for a friend, but most of the time I don’t really need or depend on them. I am fairly self-contained and self-sustaining for the most part.
But that one percent of the time, when I need a friend, I really, really need one. I have days when I feel so lost and alone…it’s like being cut loose from everything that anchors me to reality, like I’m just drifting in space with no point of reference. I don’t have the feeling often but when I do, I hate it.
So then I go down the line of my friends, and think “who do I turn to at this point?” And that is when I really think about the nature of friendship…
There are several different kinds of friends…I’m not claiming to have a definitive list, but here are a few, as I see it (and I should specify that I am defining stereotypes here, not describing my friends!) :
1. Whiny Friend: This particular type of friend is somewhat wearing. She is perpetually experiencing some sort of life crisis – and no matter what it is, it’s a crisis to her! Husband is being a jerk…kids are being selfish and mean or having problems in school…mom is being overcritical…boss is keeping her from advancing – you name it. If the damn toilet overflows, it’s an existential life crisis. Now, I need to be specific about this – I am not talking about the person who only calls when she has a crisis; that comes later. This is the person who has a crisis EVERY DAY and every single conversation involves something that is just dreadfully wrong with her life. And it goes without saying that none of it is ever her fault. She may be a perfectly nice person, but she is needy, whiny, and has a major blind spot about her own faults.
2. Superior Friend: This friend seems to exist solely to point out your inadequacies. She may not mean to be mean; she may not even realize she is being mean – but she can always tell you what you are doing wrong, or how she has done it better, faster, and for less money. There’s not a lot more to her, really – and you really don’t want to talk to her about your problems, because she will point out to you how she doesn’t have that problem because she is smarter, stronger, sexier or more talented. In the process she will make you understand exactly why your problem is completely your fault and you are a total waste of human flesh for having encountered this problem, because no normal person (someone like her, in other words) would ever have this problem. This friend is no fun to be around, even when she’s trying to be helpful (which she may honestly be!). Unfortunately, we don’t often recognize a Superior Friend until it is too late.
3. One-Up Friend: The name sort of says it all. She can take two forms but is usually a hybrid of the two – anything you say she can either top, or “bottom”. If you got a promotion, she got a better one. If your boss is a jerk, hers is worse. If your child is making straight As, hers is being inducted into Mensa. If you have a sprained wrist, she has a necrotic bowel. Being with this friend feels like running a race that you can’t win and don’t enjoy.
4. Sarcastic Friend: This one I avoid like the plague. She will put you down, belittle you, and tell you and everyone else in the world how stupid, clumsy, and absurd you are – all with a laugh and an elbow that says, “Hey, we all know I’m just playing with you” – even though she probably isn’t, and even if she is it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t consider this a friend at all, but I know people who have friends like this. Why they stick around, I have no idea, but there you have it.
5. The Taker: This friend is, again, not really much of a friend – she only calls or shows up when you can do something for her. She will not hesitate to ask or even demand, because hey, “Friends do this for each other!” However, when the tables are turned and you need a favor, she is unavailable. She may have a legitimate reason or may not, but whatever excuse she makes, it’s not one she would accept from you! This is the ultimate one-sided relationship.
6. Brutally Honest Friend: This one’s a bitch – and I’m not speaking figuratively here. This is the person who prides herself on “always telling the truth” – but she only tells the truth when it’s something mean. She will tell you that you need to lose weight…or that you’re being selfish…or that your boyfriend/husband is a jerk…or that your kids are demons and you don’t discipline them enough. She’ll say it all and be convinced she’s doing you a favor and that it’s a great personality trait in her. She’ll be proud of it – “Hey, I don’t beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. I say what I think. I don’t believe in false flattery, I’m always going to be honest with you.” Sounds great, but in practice it is nothing more than license and justification for being mean, selfish, critical and inconsiderate. And the worst part is, you have NO license to do the same. If you try to tell her that something she is doing isn’t good for her, you are going to have a fight on your hands. Honesty, in her mind, is only a good trait in her. Everyone else is supposed to be sycophantic and tell her what she wants to hear. That’s just how she rolls. This is a person who has excruciatingly bad manners and thinks that’s a virtue. Again, not really much of a friend, and usually she has many traits of the “Taker” and the “Superior Friend”.
Now, enough of the bad and on to the good:
7. Generous Friend: This friend has always got something to give. She never seems to mind giving or being there, even when you know you are asking too much. She won’t hesitate to buy you lunch, even if it’s her last ten bucks or she’s using a credit card…she will bring doughnuts in and call you first to share…she will pick up an extra Barbie at the store because she knows your daughter likes them and they were on sale. She may not be made of money, but she never hesitates to share what she has. Time may be another matter – often Generous Friend is very selfish with her time and doesn’t like to be imposed upon, or may be just way over-committed and have no time to give, and her generosity may be her way of making up for that. But she shows the love in the only way she can.
8. Funny Friend: this friend may not be your favorite confidante, because she’s not all that deep, but damn she can make you laugh! She shows the love by interjecting as much silliness, fun, and entertainment into your life as she possibly can. Often Funny Friend is not someone who is comfortable with strong emotion or baring her soul, so again she shows the love the way she can, by keeping you joyful. There is enormous value in this; those who make us laugh are Heaven’s facilitators, I think, because I really think the road to Heaven is paved with laughter and joy. Funny Friend may truly love you and want to be there for you – she just isn’t very skilled at closeness and may feel really awkward with it. Laughter is her way of easing that awkwardness. Take her as she is, value her contribution, and love her.
9. Deep Friend: This friend is the opposite of Funny Friend. She doesn’t laugh a lot or joke around, but she is always there to talk and analyze anything you want to analyze. If your husband has been ignoring you, she will discuss with you for hours what could be behind that and how it makes you feel, and will usually help you justify whatever you are feeling. Whatever it is, she can usually find a reason why it makes sense and is only to be expected. She is something of a yes-man, often, but not in a truly sycophantic way. She genuinely believes what she is saying or she wouldn’t say it, though she may recognize it later as being somewhat enabling. This is your go-to girl when you need to cry or reason through something.
10. Crazy Friend: This is a wild one. This is the girl you do crazy things with, like when you TP’d the school principal’s house in high-school or rode down the interstate in the middle of the night in her convertible with the top down and your tops off, just so you could say you did. She will get you in trouble, you can bet on it, but you will love every minute. Unfortunately, you will probably mature faster than she, and may find her antics less amusing when you have responsibilities like a job and kids.
11. Happy Friend: This friend is a genuinely upbeat, positive person who can usually find the silver lining to any dark cloud. She doesn’t do much complaining and almost never talks trash about anyone else. She can be somewhat wearing if you’re feeling like being depressed or complaining, because she really doesn’t do depressed or complaining, but usually she spreads sunshine and joy wherever she goes and she can also be something of a heavenly facilitator. Not much of a confidante – stick with Deep Friend for that – but let this one rub off on you, because she’s not faking it – she really loves life and wants you to, too.
12. Best Friend: This says it all, really. We call people “best friends” but usually it’s a misnomer…they are often just the best of a bad bunch, or the best we could do on short notice, or just the best available at that time. Not the Best Possible, which is what this is. These are one in a hundred billion; you won’t find many, if any at all, and if you do you’d better hang on tight and make very sure you aren’t slipping into any of the above categories, because you want to keep this one around forever. She will accept you for who you are – good, bad and ugly – and will love you despite that. She won’t love your ugly parts, but she’ll accept them and understand them. She will tell you forthrightly when you are being a bitch or a baby, but she won’t be mean about it or do it “for your own good”. She’ll tell you because she is honest with you. She will also beat the living hell out of anyone else who ever dares call you a bitch or a baby, because that’s what she does. And just as important, she will not only tell you when the dress makes you look fat, she will tell you when it makes you look smokin’ hot, and she’ll tell you how much she hates you for your awesome legs or perky boobs or whatever. She’ll tell you that you whine too much, and she’ll tell you that you’re beautiful and funny and too loving for your own good.
She will go shopping with you or eat ice cream with you or talk on the phone for an hour and a half – and if two weeks go by without you talking, she won’t think your friendship is over. When you talk again, it will be as if no time has passed. She won’t forget your birthday…she won’t get mad if you screw up and forget hers (okay, she will, but she’ll get over it)…she will watch your kids and love them as much as she does her own…she will trust you with her kids and not get upset if you tell them to stop keying your car…and no matter what, she will be there. She may not be able to leave her family and travel 1000 miles to be with you in a crisis – but you will never question that she wanted to. She won’t be perfect, and you will argue, but that will never be a deal-breaker. Heart to heart, she is your friend and that’s just part of who she is. Hopefully, you will be the same thing to her.
Now, of course I have oversimplified and generalized here. Most people share many of the above traits, and the truth is usually a person will be one of the bad choices, but also one of the good ones. Nobody’s perfect, but nobody’s all bad either. But if you find yourself slipping into a friendship with someone but don’t feel entirely comfortable with the way it’s developing, stop and look – are you getting stuck with one of the stereotypes? It might be worth reevaluating before you wind up wasting a great deal of time on someone who might not really be someone you want in your life.
And conversely, look at yourself – what kind of friend are you? It may turn out that, like me, you need to do some serious brushing up on your own friendship style. You get out of any relationship only as much as you give, which is exactly the way it should be.
The bottom line is, there’s only so much time and you only have so much “you” to give. Give it to people who are worth it…people who enrich your life, and whose life you, in turn, enrich.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Self-Respect, Social Commentary, Womanhood, weight loss, women's issues
Forgive me…I will warn in advance that this is angry and opinionated and…hostile.
But I mean, honestly. Sometimes people make me so angry I could cry. Here is this father, who is a fashion designer, talking about the sobering discovery that his daughter has an eating disorder, and lamenting the unrealistic standards of the fashion industry that help to create situations like this.
And several comments down, here’s this troll commenting that a size 10 to 12 is only average because Americans are all fat, and we shouldn’t pretend that’s acceptable. And meanwhile, she is a size zero and perfectly healthy. (She’s responding to a somewhat angry comment that the father’s promotion of a size 4 to 6 is not any better than the fashion industry standard of 0 to 2. I thought that comment was a bit overheated too, though I agreed.)
I only commented (mine is about number 41 or so) because I couldn’t reach “J”, to knock her the f&*k out. And it is so good that I couldn’t because I don’t think I’d have stopped kicking her when she lost consciousness…
Am I the only person who is sick to utter death at these women who help perpetuate the myth that we all need to be a particular size? Please don’t misunderstand me…I am on a journey here, striving for the utter limit of good health and wellness and fitness, and I don’t intend to stop ever because, well, you can’t. You don’t get there and then go on vacation. It’s for life. But…
I also accept that “healthy” for me is not the same as “healthy” for someone else. At a size 16/18, I was horribly unhealthy. I was heading for an early grave. At a size 8, I’m in pretty darned good shape. But I know women who, at a size 16/18, are in great shape. They’re strong, they have excellent medical test results, they are athletic, they are happy. For them, health is not about a number or a measurement or a BMI or anything else. I also know women who are a size 2, who can’t carry a damned 24-pack of bottled water and couldn’t finish a 5K if their lives depended on it. It’s not about a number on the scale or the tape measure.
Why do we do this to our daughters? Our sisters, our mothers, our nieces and friends? Ourselves? I am so, so sad. Because it’s bad, it’s really bad, when the faceless media does it to us. It’s unforgiveable when we do it to each other.
Madelaine Albright said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” I believe that. And as far as I’m concerned, “J” has a one-way ticket. If that’s overly hostile…okay. I can live with that.