Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Social Commentary, Womanhood, weight loss, women's issues
Okay, NOW I’m pissed.
First, let me state that the outfit Britney was wearing for this performance was a poor choice for anyone, at any time. It is unattractive and tasteless and would make just about anyone look bad.
Having said that, I am beyond incensed at the plethora of “fat” comments engendered by this! I heard the comments before I saw the performance, and looked it up fully expecting to see the visual evidence of a year-long binge. Let’s face it, the girl has been on a bit of a roll lately. I expected that to be reflected in sagging arms, a bulging belly, jiggling cellulite – in short, all of the things advertised in the Web flames.
Frankly, I see none of this. I see a body that is a hell of a lot better than 99% of the women on the planet, and one that most teenage girls wouldn’t be ashamed to claim. I see a shape a little curvier than the one she had pre-babies, but I do not see rolls and bulges and flab. I see arms that are more rounded and less toned than the average Hollywood star’s, but they are not fat, flabby, or unattractive. I see legs that are a little thicker than most of the same Hollywood stars’, but again not flabby or revolting.
Britney does not look the way she once did. She also doesn’t look like a woman who has given birth twice. Frankly, considering the two kids and the lifestyle she has been pursuing, she looks damn good.
In what universe is this fat? I truly want to know. Because I don’t think I want to live in that universe. That is a universe of carrot sticks, water and lettuce, and very little else. A universe of girls learning to hate themselves at an earlier age all the time; of young women starving themselves and abusing their bodies in the name of “beauty” because if they don’t, they are reviled; of the average woman looking at herself with nothing short of disgust and revulsion, no matter how healthy she may be, because she can’t possibly live up to the not only ridiculous but downright dangerous standard that is being held up for her review!
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She is frankly gorgeous, if I do say so myself (and I do). She is 5′4″, with long light-brown hair and greenish-brown eyes, lovely fair skin with a delicate smattering of freckles across her nose, a sweetly curved mouth that smiles a lot, and a knockout figure. If she were a little older, she would be called sexy as hell; as it is, my friends see her and say, “She’s got such a cute figure! She’s on birth control, right?”
She wears a size 6. She probably weighs more than Britney. (The boys who text her constantly don’t seem to mind much, though.)
To the idiots criticizing Britney’s appearance, this beautiful girl would be considered a “tubby chick” and ridiculed for her size. Which, frankly, is utter bullshit. I despair because she thinks she’s fat; I wonder how to make her see that her size is normal, healthy and gorgeous, (and a size I would have killed for at that age!) and that protruding bones do not equal beauty. I agonize over what it does to her self-esteem that she is not a twig. And then I read articles like this one, and I want to throttle somebody.
It is no wonder that young girls everywhere are growing up to be women with enormous self-esteem issues and a complete lack of reason when it comes to their body image. It’s not just the fact that bone-thin women with a silhouette similar to that of a drought-surviving Ethiopian are paraded before us and called “beautiful”. It is the fact that women with an ounce of flesh – whether it’s fat or muscle – are called “tubby”, “chunky”, “fleshy”, and outright “fat”.
I am no fan of Britney Spears. I never have been. The girl needs turned over someone’s knee and taught some manners, some class, and some self-respect. But this is ridiculous, and I am deeply angered on behalf of every female on the planet. It is time that this insanity stopped.
Filed under: Friendship, Life Lessons, Psychobabble, Random thoughts, Social Commentary, Womanhood
Well, yesterday has got me musing about the nature and value of friendship.
I am one of those odd people who is perfectly content being by myself about 99 percent of the time. I like having friends, and I will do just about anything for a friend, but most of the time I don’t really need or depend on them. I am fairly self-contained and self-sustaining for the most part.
But that one percent of the time, when I need a friend, I really, really need one. I have days when I feel so lost and alone…it’s like being cut loose from everything that anchors me to reality, like I’m just drifting in space with no point of reference. I don’t have the feeling often but when I do, I hate it.
So then I go down the line of my friends, and think “who do I turn to at this point?” And that is when I really think about the nature of friendship…
There are several different kinds of friends…I’m not claiming to have a definitive list, but here are a few, as I see it (and I should specify that I am defining stereotypes here, not describing my friends!) :
1. Whiny Friend: This particular type of friend is somewhat wearing. She is perpetually experiencing some sort of life crisis – and no matter what it is, it’s a crisis to her! Husband is being a jerk…kids are being selfish and mean or having problems in school…mom is being overcritical…boss is keeping her from advancing – you name it. If the damn toilet overflows, it’s an existential life crisis. Now, I need to be specific about this – I am not talking about the person who only calls when she has a crisis; that comes later. This is the person who has a crisis EVERY DAY and every single conversation involves something that is just dreadfully wrong with her life. And it goes without saying that none of it is ever her fault. She may be a perfectly nice person, but she is needy, whiny, and has a major blind spot about her own faults.
2. Superior Friend: This friend seems to exist solely to point out your inadequacies. She may not mean to be mean; she may not even realize she is being mean – but she can always tell you what you are doing wrong, or how she has done it better, faster, and for less money. There’s not a lot more to her, really – and you really don’t want to talk to her about your problems, because she will point out to you how she doesn’t have that problem because she is smarter, stronger, sexier or more talented. In the process she will make you understand exactly why your problem is completely your fault and you are a total waste of human flesh for having encountered this problem, because no normal person (someone like her, in other words) would ever have this problem. This friend is no fun to be around, even when she’s trying to be helpful (which she may honestly be!). Unfortunately, we don’t often recognize a Superior Friend until it is too late.
3. One-Up Friend: The name sort of says it all. She can take two forms but is usually a hybrid of the two – anything you say she can either top, or “bottom”. If you got a promotion, she got a better one. If your boss is a jerk, hers is worse. If your child is making straight As, hers is being inducted into Mensa. If you have a sprained wrist, she has a necrotic bowel. Being with this friend feels like running a race that you can’t win and don’t enjoy.
4. Sarcastic Friend: This one I avoid like the plague. She will put you down, belittle you, and tell you and everyone else in the world how stupid, clumsy, and absurd you are – all with a laugh and an elbow that says, “Hey, we all know I’m just playing with you” – even though she probably isn’t, and even if she is it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t consider this a friend at all, but I know people who have friends like this. Why they stick around, I have no idea, but there you have it.
5. The Taker: This friend is, again, not really much of a friend – she only calls or shows up when you can do something for her. She will not hesitate to ask or even demand, because hey, “Friends do this for each other!” However, when the tables are turned and you need a favor, she is unavailable. She may have a legitimate reason or may not, but whatever excuse she makes, it’s not one she would accept from you! This is the ultimate one-sided relationship.
6. Brutally Honest Friend: This one’s a bitch – and I’m not speaking figuratively here. This is the person who prides herself on “always telling the truth” – but she only tells the truth when it’s something mean. She will tell you that you need to lose weight…or that you’re being selfish…or that your boyfriend/husband is a jerk…or that your kids are demons and you don’t discipline them enough. She’ll say it all and be convinced she’s doing you a favor and that it’s a great personality trait in her. She’ll be proud of it – “Hey, I don’t beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. I say what I think. I don’t believe in false flattery, I’m always going to be honest with you.” Sounds great, but in practice it is nothing more than license and justification for being mean, selfish, critical and inconsiderate. And the worst part is, you have NO license to do the same. If you try to tell her that something she is doing isn’t good for her, you are going to have a fight on your hands. Honesty, in her mind, is only a good trait in her. Everyone else is supposed to be sycophantic and tell her what she wants to hear. That’s just how she rolls. This is a person who has excruciatingly bad manners and thinks that’s a virtue. Again, not really much of a friend, and usually she has many traits of the “Taker” and the “Superior Friend”.
Now, enough of the bad and on to the good:
7. Generous Friend: This friend has always got something to give. She never seems to mind giving or being there, even when you know you are asking too much. She won’t hesitate to buy you lunch, even if it’s her last ten bucks or she’s using a credit card…she will bring doughnuts in and call you first to share…she will pick up an extra Barbie at the store because she knows your daughter likes them and they were on sale. She may not be made of money, but she never hesitates to share what she has. Time may be another matter – often Generous Friend is very selfish with her time and doesn’t like to be imposed upon, or may be just way over-committed and have no time to give, and her generosity may be her way of making up for that. But she shows the love in the only way she can.
8. Funny Friend: this friend may not be your favorite confidante, because she’s not all that deep, but damn she can make you laugh! She shows the love by interjecting as much silliness, fun, and entertainment into your life as she possibly can. Often Funny Friend is not someone who is comfortable with strong emotion or baring her soul, so again she shows the love the way she can, by keeping you joyful. There is enormous value in this; those who make us laugh are Heaven’s facilitators, I think, because I really think the road to Heaven is paved with laughter and joy. Funny Friend may truly love you and want to be there for you – she just isn’t very skilled at closeness and may feel really awkward with it. Laughter is her way of easing that awkwardness. Take her as she is, value her contribution, and love her.
9. Deep Friend: This friend is the opposite of Funny Friend. She doesn’t laugh a lot or joke around, but she is always there to talk and analyze anything you want to analyze. If your husband has been ignoring you, she will discuss with you for hours what could be behind that and how it makes you feel, and will usually help you justify whatever you are feeling. Whatever it is, she can usually find a reason why it makes sense and is only to be expected. She is something of a yes-man, often, but not in a truly sycophantic way. She genuinely believes what she is saying or she wouldn’t say it, though she may recognize it later as being somewhat enabling. This is your go-to girl when you need to cry or reason through something.
10. Crazy Friend: This is a wild one. This is the girl you do crazy things with, like when you TP’d the school principal’s house in high-school or rode down the interstate in the middle of the night in her convertible with the top down and your tops off, just so you could say you did. She will get you in trouble, you can bet on it, but you will love every minute. Unfortunately, you will probably mature faster than she, and may find her antics less amusing when you have responsibilities like a job and kids.
11. Happy Friend: This friend is a genuinely upbeat, positive person who can usually find the silver lining to any dark cloud. She doesn’t do much complaining and almost never talks trash about anyone else. She can be somewhat wearing if you’re feeling like being depressed or complaining, because she really doesn’t do depressed or complaining, but usually she spreads sunshine and joy wherever she goes and she can also be something of a heavenly facilitator. Not much of a confidante – stick with Deep Friend for that – but let this one rub off on you, because she’s not faking it – she really loves life and wants you to, too.
12. Best Friend: This says it all, really. We call people “best friends” but usually it’s a misnomer…they are often just the best of a bad bunch, or the best we could do on short notice, or just the best available at that time. Not the Best Possible, which is what this is. These are one in a hundred billion; you won’t find many, if any at all, and if you do you’d better hang on tight and make very sure you aren’t slipping into any of the above categories, because you want to keep this one around forever. She will accept you for who you are – good, bad and ugly – and will love you despite that. She won’t love your ugly parts, but she’ll accept them and understand them. She will tell you forthrightly when you are being a bitch or a baby, but she won’t be mean about it or do it “for your own good”. She’ll tell you because she is honest with you. She will also beat the living hell out of anyone else who ever dares call you a bitch or a baby, because that’s what she does. And just as important, she will not only tell you when the dress makes you look fat, she will tell you when it makes you look smokin’ hot, and she’ll tell you how much she hates you for your awesome legs or perky boobs or whatever. She’ll tell you that you whine too much, and she’ll tell you that you’re beautiful and funny and too loving for your own good.
She will go shopping with you or eat ice cream with you or talk on the phone for an hour and a half – and if two weeks go by without you talking, she won’t think your friendship is over. When you talk again, it will be as if no time has passed. She won’t forget your birthday…she won’t get mad if you screw up and forget hers (okay, she will, but she’ll get over it)…she will watch your kids and love them as much as she does her own…she will trust you with her kids and not get upset if you tell them to stop keying your car…and no matter what, she will be there. She may not be able to leave her family and travel 1000 miles to be with you in a crisis – but you will never question that she wanted to. She won’t be perfect, and you will argue, but that will never be a deal-breaker. Heart to heart, she is your friend and that’s just part of who she is. Hopefully, you will be the same thing to her.
Now, of course I have oversimplified and generalized here. Most people share many of the above traits, and the truth is usually a person will be one of the bad choices, but also one of the good ones. Nobody’s perfect, but nobody’s all bad either. But if you find yourself slipping into a friendship with someone but don’t feel entirely comfortable with the way it’s developing, stop and look – are you getting stuck with one of the stereotypes? It might be worth reevaluating before you wind up wasting a great deal of time on someone who might not really be someone you want in your life.
And conversely, look at yourself – what kind of friend are you? It may turn out that, like me, you need to do some serious brushing up on your own friendship style. You get out of any relationship only as much as you give, which is exactly the way it should be.
The bottom line is, there’s only so much time and you only have so much “you” to give. Give it to people who are worth it…people who enrich your life, and whose life you, in turn, enrich.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Social Commentary, Womanhood, political-ish
http://www.slashfood.com/2007/08/08/snack-your-way-to-a-bigger-bosom-with-f-cup-cookies/
I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you what’s wrong with THIS one.
A product that simultaneously takes advantage of our body-image issues AND makes them worse. (You know these things have to have tons of fat and calories.)
I would like to think that one of these days, the FDA will stop allowing this nonsense and insist that statements like these be prohibited. It is not enough to say things like “These statements not approved by the FDA” or “this product is not intended to treat or prevent any disease”. Once the statement, whatever it is, is out there, the desperate and gullible public is already invested. Disclaimers are pointless and serve only to protect the manufacturer from the inevitable lawsuits.
And sadly, those lawsuits are the only recourse the public has when misled. The government, which we pay taxes to support, is not protecting the less-than-savvy. There are no real watchdogs other than consumer groups, who are all too often labeled as “disgruntled” or “paranoid”. The only people listening to these groups are people who are smart enough not to buy this junk in the first place.
And yes, I agree that it is ridiculous that anyone would need a federal agency to tell them that cookies are NOT going to increase your breast size (except by making you fat, which definitely will increase it). However, it is a sad fact that Americans are so inundated by advertising and marketing techniques, and so conditioned to want to believe, that far too many will believe nearly everything they are told. And even the ones who are not so credulous - who will tell you flat out “Oh, I know it probably won’t work…” – may still be buying, because hey, “It can’t hurt to try!” “What have I got to lose?”
Well, depending on the selling price of the cookies, probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 to 10 bucks.
A fool and his (or her!) money are indeed soon parted. Let’s just hope that this “breast-enhancing herb” doesn’t have any serious side effects. Because while you could argue that anyone dumb enough to buy into something like this deserves exactly what she gets, the sad fact is that it’s probably too late to keep these people from polluting the gene pool, so their injuries or deaths will be pointless and pathetic. (I know this sounds harsh. I don’t particularly care.)
Why do we allow this? Contrary to what many foreigners believe, Americans are not really, as a whole, all that stupid. There are enormous numbers of intelligent, educated, sensible, informed consumers in this country. So why doesn’t it show?
I really do want to know, so if you have an answer, please, give a shout.
Filed under: Random thoughts, Self-Respect, Social Commentary, Womanhood
http://women.netscape.com/story/2007/08/08/new-york-tries-to-ban-the-word-bitch
Ban the word “bitch”?? I think not! No, ladies, banning is never the answer – we all know exactly what happens when you tell someone not to do something, right? They are more compelled to do it than ever.
I have no interest in banning the word “bitch” anyway. I am a bitch, and I’m proud of it. I enjoy being a bitch. I celebrate being a bitch.
Let’s stop and think about the kind of behavior that typically incites these epithets, that makes people start lobbing the “b” word all over the place.
If you stand your ground and refuse to allow someone to cut you off in traffic, for instance – you’re a bitch.
If you speak up and tell the waiter that you didn’t order the steak well-done, you ordered it medium rare…and he tells you that it IS medium rare, which it clearly isn’t…and instead of backing down, you insist on speaking to the manager – you’re a bitch.
If your husband spends every night with his feet up in the recliner watching TV while you cook dinner, clean up, and take care of the kids (oh yeah, after you worked all day!), and you call him on it and refuse to do his laundry any more – you’re definitely a bitch.
If the service department at the car dealership tells you a problem is fixed, and it isn’t, and you call them on it and make them really fix it – and then answer the customer satisfaction survey truthfully instead of politely…no question about it, you have officially achieved bitchhood.
If you defend yourself when lambasted by a manager…if you make sure your co-worker knows you heard her talking about you and you didn’t appreciate it…if you confront your neighbor about their dog/cat/loud radio/out-of-control kids…if you don’t leave a tip because frankly, service sucked…all very telling signs that a bitch is in the neighborhood! (And, coincidentally, all behavior that would be applauded in a man.)
If you walk with your head high, your back straight, and your eyes wide open because you know that (1) you have to take care of yourself because as beautiful as the world around you is, it’s also a dangerous place and no one really has your back; and (2) you are as deserving of survival and contentment as anyone else…
-if you know your worth and defend it…
-if you speak up when someone else is trying to take advantage of you or someone you love or respect…
-if you are willing to fight for what you believe in and what you know is right…
-if you refuse to take second billing when you have earned first…
-if you, in short, respect yourself and insist that others do so as well…
If any or all of these describe you – then oh yeah, my sister (or brother!), you can most definitely call yourself a Bitch!
With pride.
I don’t have any interest in banning the word “bitch”. Frankly, I OWN the word “bitch”. I love it. I’m considering having it tattooed on my ass.
Don’t ban it, embrace it. Make it ours. Wear it with pride, and when you come to verbal blows with some ignorant, low-minded Neanderthal and he calls you a bitch, smile at him and say, “Thank you!”
That’ll really piss him off.
Filed under: Health and Fitness, Rants, Self-Respect, Social Commentary, Womanhood, weight loss, women's issues
Forgive me…I will warn in advance that this is angry and opinionated and…hostile.
But I mean, honestly. Sometimes people make me so angry I could cry. Here is this father, who is a fashion designer, talking about the sobering discovery that his daughter has an eating disorder, and lamenting the unrealistic standards of the fashion industry that help to create situations like this.
And several comments down, here’s this troll commenting that a size 10 to 12 is only average because Americans are all fat, and we shouldn’t pretend that’s acceptable. And meanwhile, she is a size zero and perfectly healthy. (She’s responding to a somewhat angry comment that the father’s promotion of a size 4 to 6 is not any better than the fashion industry standard of 0 to 2. I thought that comment was a bit overheated too, though I agreed.)
I only commented (mine is about number 41 or so) because I couldn’t reach “J”, to knock her the f&*k out. And it is so good that I couldn’t because I don’t think I’d have stopped kicking her when she lost consciousness…
Am I the only person who is sick to utter death at these women who help perpetuate the myth that we all need to be a particular size? Please don’t misunderstand me…I am on a journey here, striving for the utter limit of good health and wellness and fitness, and I don’t intend to stop ever because, well, you can’t. You don’t get there and then go on vacation. It’s for life. But…
I also accept that “healthy” for me is not the same as “healthy” for someone else. At a size 16/18, I was horribly unhealthy. I was heading for an early grave. At a size 8, I’m in pretty darned good shape. But I know women who, at a size 16/18, are in great shape. They’re strong, they have excellent medical test results, they are athletic, they are happy. For them, health is not about a number or a measurement or a BMI or anything else. I also know women who are a size 2, who can’t carry a damned 24-pack of bottled water and couldn’t finish a 5K if their lives depended on it. It’s not about a number on the scale or the tape measure.
Why do we do this to our daughters? Our sisters, our mothers, our nieces and friends? Ourselves? I am so, so sad. Because it’s bad, it’s really bad, when the faceless media does it to us. It’s unforgiveable when we do it to each other.
Madelaine Albright said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” I believe that. And as far as I’m concerned, “J” has a one-way ticket. If that’s overly hostile…okay. I can live with that.