Happiness

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness, and where it comes from, at least in my own life.

It started with one of those stupid MySpace surveys – the ones that are all so similar but somehow trigger my OCD just enough that I can’t keep from posting them anyway.  One of the questions nearly always is, “If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?”  Now, being way too introspective for my own good, I always give these questions serious thought, and when I get to that one, my answer is always, “Nothing.  Because everything happens for a reason and everything that has happened has led me here, and I am happy with where I am.”

Which begs the question of why I am so happy where I am?  What is it about my life that makes me so unwilling to change any of it?

I’m not young, rich, gorgeous, or privileged.  I’m not a social butterfly.  I don’t have everything I want, though I do have everything I need.  So what is there about my life that is so perfect, that I wouldn’t want to change it?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

I am not young…but I am still in the best years of my life.  I am so much more confident and happy in my own skin than I was when I was young.  I don’t obsess over whether people like me anymore, or whether I have made someone angry at me.  I am in touch with my inner bitch, as well as my inner goddess, and I am okay with people being responsible for their own emotions.  If they don’t like me…not really my problem.  If they do…great, but that’s not the centerpiece of my world.

I’m not gorgeous – but I am not unattractive either.

I’m not rich, God knows – but I have learned so much about the value of money – and what value it doesn’t have.  I have learned that being able to buy whatever you want is nowhere near as freeing and joyful as knowing that you are in complete accord with the one you love, and that there are no secrets or omissions between you.  Money is important, and it’s so important to be financially stable – but money is not ever going to make me happy.  Love, family, and an honest, self-responsible life are.

And that’s the center of it, really.  Because I am so blessed.  I have a husband whom I love, more than I ever even knew.  He loves me, more than I ever knew.  He accepts me – he doesn’t hesitate to call me on it when I’m being irrational or overly bitchy or irresponsible…but he’s not unkind to me.  He knows me inside out and he accepts me for who I am…and forgives me for my occasional bouts of extreme brainlessness.  And every now and then, he does something so wonderful and amazing and unbelievable that it takes my breath away.  And in between times, he brings me enormous joy every time I look at him or hear his voice or he touches me in passing…

I have two exquisite daughters, both of whom are a joy to me as much as they are a trial.  I am constantly racking my brain to try to be sure I am doing the right things with them, and often feeling that I’ve failed – but I wouldn’t trade a second of it, because they are beautiful and precious and smart and funny and I adore every thing about them.  Even the bad stuff.  It’s part of what makes them who they are, and though I do want to teach them how to control themselves and to behave properly, so that they can get along in the world without making things unduly horrible for themselves – I do not want to change them.  They are, in their very imperfection, perfect.

I have a nice home – it’s not anything extraordinary or outrageous, but it’s nicer than I ever thought I’d have, when I was younger.  I have a very steady, stable job at which I am given significant responsibility and trusted to be competent.  I have the amazing privilege of working with people I truly love and respect.  I am privileged to spend time, almost daily, with people who make me laugh and brighten my world just that much more.

My life is not perfect; not nearly.  There are things I would like to have – I would like to be completely out of debt, I would like to be able to go places and do things that are currently out of reach for more reasons than just money, I would like to be able to quit work and focus on writing, I would love for my kids to have straight As and perfect behavior in school…

But I don’t need those things to be happy.  I have what I need.  I have what it takes to bring me joy, and contentment.  And what more, really, can anyone ask for?

So it seems to me, in the final analysis, that being happy is not about what you have or what you do or what you are…it’s about what you know.  It’s about what you can see – can you see the joy in these things?  Are you looking up, or looking down?  Are you looking at what you’re striving for, or at what you already have?  Because ambition, though it can be valuable, can also be an insidious poison – if you are constantly striving for something, can you ever take the time to be happy with what you’ve already achieved?

Keeping your eye on the prize is a great thing – but sometimes you already have the prize.  Sometimes all your work and effort is really just about holding on to the prize you already have, not about winning the next one.

At least, that’s my conclusion.  I have my prize.  It’s simple, and maybe some people wouldn’t think it’s much of a prize – but I can’t imagine a better one.

An Unpleasant Revelation

I am a coward.

I have built myself a framework – a safety net, if you will – of rules and regulations and restrictions and conventions. My job, my home, my bank account, my children’s schools, my doctors’ appointments, my online blogs…these are all a part of the framework, the safety net. They all make me feel safe, and secure, and neatly slotted into my nice, safe, normal niche in life.

I know this because:

Yesterday, at lunch, I was sitting in the car at the gas station, waiting for a friend to come back after paying for gas. I was watching the cars go by, as they entered and exited the interstate, and thinking – as I always do – about who might be in them and where they might be going. Something about the day – the weather, perhaps, which was gray and rainy and gloomy, and cold – or about my own mood, gave me the oddest sensation that these people were all free as birds, going who knew where, while I was securely tied to the earth. I did not envy them.

I couldn’t help wondering if the guy in the old red Pontiac was on a road trip, headed to an unknown destination. Was the woman in the little Toyota running from something? Had she just quit her job and emptied her bank account and taken off to points unknown?

Why would I have these thoughts? One might speculate that they indicate a repressed desire in me to do exactly that – just cut all ties and fly away. But I didn’t find them appealing…I found them frightening. The idea of being in the car, driving, but not to anywhere…not having a job I have to be at the next day, not having kids to be picked up from school, not having bills to be paid on a particular day or a home to be cared for or a paycheck to ensure…was terrifying to me.

So that led me to wonder why? Why would I not WANT that, that ultimate freedom of having no responsibilities, no one to answer to, no one to take care of? Wouldn’t that be wonderful? But it didn’t seem wonderful to me; it seemed terrifying and heartbreaking and awful.

The fact that I have a job (okay, jobs) ensures that I get a paycheck. That paycheck ensures that I have a place to live and can pay my bills. If I want that security – a roof over my head every night, and knowing where it will be, and food to eat and each day a safe environment – then I must follow very strict rules and routines. Get up, get the kids to school, go to work, come home, make sure the kids are picked up, fed, etc…ad nauseam. I should feel trapped by all that – but I don’t. I feel safe and comforted.

To me, the most frightening thing in the world is not knowing what to expect. I did not realize that about myself until just now. Everything that I fear – death, old age, divorce, an empty nest, losing a job, having a serious health condition, going on a new ride at the amusement park for heaven’s sake – all comes down to that. They are all situations in which I do not know what to expect, and that is bone-chillingly terrifying to me.
It seems blindingly obvious, now, that this is at the root of my compulsive planning and organizing and list-making; I am not just a naturally organized person who has a talent for creating order from chaos (though I do) – I am borderline obsessive-compulsive because I am terrified of disorder!

I knew that I had control issues. I thought that I had dealt with them to some extent, but I find that the fear of a loss of control – of not knowing where I am headed and having no way of steering – is worse now than it ever was. It just hides now, under and behind other things. That is sobering and saddening to me, because I don’t want to be timid. Timidity is not a positive trait, to my mind. I wish I knew how to conquer this particular fear…perhaps if my faith were stronger, and I could simply trust that someone is taking care of me, I could deal with it more rationally. But as it stands, I am petrified of the unknown, to the extent (evidently) that I perseverate about it at odd times and seemingly without provocation.

Historically, having unsolicited thoughts like this has meant that an issue I have been avoiding is rearing its ugly head, demanding to be recognized. I am afraid of that, as well – my fear is so great in this context that I am afraid to even think about it, but I can’t help it. It almost sounds like it may be time for therapy again…but I dread that too. It’s never an easy process, and to get to the dawn you have to first go through the night.

I am afraid of so many things, for someone who considers herself fairly assertive and bold. I don’t like that about myself.

Change

Haven’t posted in a while and thought I should…also, the change of seasons (gradual though it may be!) has gotten me, well, thinking again.

I think that there are few forces in our lives that are so simultaneously reviled and relied-upon as change.  Change is a threat to many of us, a shifting of elements in our lives that requires a readjusting of balance.  For whatever reason, we tend to prefer stasis, with all its comfort and ease and lack of the need for effort.

Stasis, however, equals stagnation, and deep down I think we all know this.  If we do not change – if our lives do not change – if the world does not change – then there is no growth, and the absence of growth indicates and even induces decay.  If we are not changing, we are dying.  I truly believe this.

So while we are afraid of change – because, after all, change brings the unknown, and we are terrified of the unknown – we also crave it, for subconsciously we recognize its value and importance.  So at the same time we are carefully arranging our lives into safe, boxy little routines, we also grow restless and initiate change – by moving the furniture periodically, redecorating the house, trading in the car, having lunch at a new place…still safe, tidy little changes.  Enough to keep us feeling that we are moving, but not enough to actually require rebalancing.

Perhaps this is a wise and civilized method of dealing with the need for change, but I wonder.  Nature would not agree – the trees do not change their leaves from green to brown and then back to green without ever losing those leaves.  Next summer’s butterflies will be completely different ones from this summer’s.  A river, when cutting a new channel, does not carefully pack away the old one just in case it decides it doesn’t like the new one, and it doesn’t save the receipt for the new one, either.  The risk that is undertaken – what if the new channel doesn’t work out? – is an inherent part of the value of the process of change.

I am not suggesting that anyone create serious upheaval in his or her life as a nod to the need for change.  I am as much of a creature of habit as anyone, probably more than most.  I don’t like change, it scares me.  Yet at times I wonder – all of the things I don’t like about myself, all of the things I wish I could fix about my life – how do I expect to do this, within the very same parameters that allowed the situation to evolve as is?  If I truly wish to change the outcome, I must change some of the variables of the experiment.

It is a conundrum, I will admit.  I don’t want my life to change a lot…but I want certain elements to change.  Yet in order to achieve one, I must endure the other.

Fall is a season of change, of putting away and letting go and setting free and quieting.  The mad, burgeoning growth of summer has ceased and the rising life force has reached its pinnacle, and now begins to drop.  Everything fades and falls and becomes still.  It is a season of preparation for rest.  It is the last stretching and yawning and sitting on the front porch watching the fireflies, before wandering off to bed.  It is the evening of the year, and it is a beautiful and glorious one, though also a bit wistful.  Perhaps that is because we know that change is in the air – that we must bid farewell to the rush and pulse of summer, and prepare ourselves for the quiet stillness, the chill peace, of winter’s long sleep.  And though we crave that change, we also fear it, and will miss what we leave behind.

Perhaps the wheel and turn of nature’s seasons is axiomatic, an enormous and inescapable example of what our lives should be?  The discarding of that which is no longer appropriate and needed, and the pulling out of that which suits our new circumstances and will further the aims of the universe?

This year, when you’re pulling out your sweaters and coats, take a moment to reflect on it – pull out some new ideas as well.  Dig out some long-neglected question or problem that has been stored away because you were too busy to deal with it, shake the dust off, and see how it fits into your life to come.  Open up some completely new area of conjecture, and resolve to spend the winter puzzling over it.

Change, though frightening, can be good. Make it work for you.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness Is Not So Fashionable « Mr Ed Catholic

The statement in this post that forgiveness brings freedom is one of immense and mostly-overlooked truth and power.  There is nothing quite so freeing as making the mental and emotional decision that something no longer has to matter so much.  For me, that is one of the defining characteristics of true forgiveness:  I am certainly still aware of the transgression, but I need no longer base any of my actions, feelings or thoughts upon that transgression.  I am free to cease to react.

When you have truly let go…when you have truly forgiven, and moved on…a binding snaps.  A chain dissolves…a wall crumbles…a barrier erodes.  One inhibiting, restraining, binding factor has disappeared from your life and you are free to react without consideration of that factor.

I do know whereof I speak.  I have been given many opportunities, in my life, to learn the power of forgiveness – both given, and received.  I rue the experiences that made forgiveness necessary – but I rejoice in the forgiveness itself.  I will never regret that, no matter what.

Forgiveness does not mean blinding oneself to the original transgression.  It does not mean saying that it was “okay”.  It does not mean or imply that you have condoned that behavior, that you have dismissed it, or that you have forgotten it.  It means that, while aware of the action, you have chosen to move beyond it, to accept that it happened and acknowledge the consequences thereof, and to reject the further damaging of your soul by that action.  You have thrown off your bonds. 

Now, you may well choose not to give that person another chance to hurt you, and a severance of that relationship – if done calmly and with prior self-examination and reason – does not invalidate your forgiveness.  You may well have reached the conclusion, through calm examination, that even though you choose not to continue to castigate and excoriate that person, you also believe that there is a high likelihood of a repeat offense and you choose not to place yourself in the way of further harm.  If you have done so calmly, without angst, then this does not mean you have not forgiven.  It only means, simply put, that you have learned that touching the hot stove creates a burn.  You don’t hate the stove; you don’t resent the stove and lie awake thinking about how much it hurt you – you simply recognize that you probably shouldn’t touch it anymore.  Yet you are no longer holding on to the fear, pain, anger that the action engendered.  You are free.

Likewise, forgiving yourself is very freeing.  Letting go of the guilt and shame that you carry around because you think you need to, you think you deserve it, you think that if you let it go it means you don’t care that you did something bad… letting go of that can lighten your emotional and spiritual load immensely.  Once again, this does not have to mean that you have learned nothing from your mistake – it is possible to acknowledge a negative action and learn from it without performing emotional self-flagellation every day for the rest of your life.  Let it go.   Forgive yourself.  Do not excuse, for behavior that hurts another should not be excused.  Simply acknowledge that you have behaved wrongly, accept your culpability, be sincerely remorseful…and resolve to do better.  Make amends…undo some or all of the harm, if possible.  But don’t carry around that self-hate.  Forgive yourself…let it go. 

Forgiveness is one of the most wonderful experiences available to us as human beings, and it is one thing that I sincerely wish all people would allow themselves to experience.   

Sin and Repentance

In surfing idly about beliefnet, I came across the following post:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/virtualtalmud/2007/09/the-power-of-sin.html

I am not Jewish, but then I think that the topics addressed in this blog are hardly unique to the Jewish or any other faith.

I found it particularly laudable that the author decries the contemporary “no-fault” outlook of our society whereby we undertake convoluted verbal and psychological contortions in order to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or giving the appearance of persecution.   This has continued to such an extent that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect anyone to take responsibility for his or her own actions.  There is always an excuse…there is always a reason why it’s understandable and even excusable.

The question I would pose is this:  why is excusing bad behavior desirable?  Why do we look for ways to excuse it, even at the expense of our own social health?  What is the benefit to society as a whole, let alone the individual, in finding ways to avoid personal responsibility?

There must have been a reason that we started doing this.  Was it simply to avoid conflict?  To prevent bloodshed, whether literal or figurative?  At what point did we, as a society, decide that it was better to encourage bad behavior than to hurt feelings?

But I digress.  The primary reason this blog struck a chord in me was not my own outrage at the permissibility of poor conduct in others, but rather the encouragement by the author for us to examine our own failings and address the need for change in ourselves.

I will admit, in the past few days, to a certain feeling that it is time for me to stop and examine the areas in which I have fallen short of my own expectations and ideas of proper behavior.  I tend to shy away from mentally enumerating these failures, because I have a bad habit of becoming mired in guilt and shame rather than making any sort of coherent plan to correct them.  Last night, however, upon giving it some real thought, it occurred to me that I need to give myself permission to examine my failures dispassionately.  Guilt and shame do not serve any purpose in this process, and I therefore must allow myself to exclude them.  I must accept and allow forgiveness of my own shortcomings.

I think that there is immense and powerful value in the practice of examining one’s own behavior and determining what, among those behaviors, is a valuable contribution to the world around us, and what is in fact a damaging or detracting behavior.  It is axiomatic that no one’s behavior affects only him or her; everything that I do or say will in some measure affect everyone and everything around me.  That being said, there is a real and pressing need for me to take a mental step back and really look at my behaviors, with an eye not only toward whether they are socially, morally or ethically acceptable, but also toward what their impact may be on those around me.

My particular area of focus in this regard is upon my children – what am I doing that is good for them, and what am I doing that is bad?  How can I lessen my negative impacts upon them, and increase the positive?  I do not mean how can I make them happier, because we all know that discipline and correction, however mild, are absolutely necessary to the learning process, and frankly I don’t know many children who enjoy either!  No, what I mean to do is examine how my behaviors are interpreted by them and what the possible effects, both short-term and long-term, may be.  Of course no one can possibly know all of the ramifications of any interaction, but it is completely possible to see the major ramifications, if one is capable of examining the situation objectively.

Do not take this as a rallying cry to self-castigation!  As I said, guilt and shame have no place in this process.  True repentance involves neither, in truth – there is a wonderful post about this here:  http://mredcatholic.wordpress.com/2007/08/02/guilt-is-still-very-popular/

(I’m not Catholic, either, but again this is very relevant to all faiths, I think.)

That, then, is my task for the upcoming days and weeks.  Though I may not be Jewish, I see no reason why I cannot embrace and join the Jewish custom of approaching this season of the year with a thoughtful examination of my own failings – call them sins if you will – and a true desire to amend and improve – call it repentance.

The labels may change, and indeed will depending upon your religious and societal orientation – but the experience and practice need not.

Friendship

Well, yesterday has got me musing about the nature and value of friendship.

I am one of those odd people who is perfectly content being by myself about 99 percent of the time.  I like having friends, and I will do just about anything for a friend, but most of the time I don’t really need or depend on them.  I am fairly self-contained and self-sustaining for the most part.

But that one percent of the time, when I need a friend, I really, really need one.  I have days when I feel so lost and alone…it’s like being cut loose from everything that anchors me to reality, like I’m just drifting in space with no point of reference.  I don’t have the feeling often but when I do, I hate it.

So then I go down the line of my friends, and think “who do I turn to at this point?”  And that is when I really think about the nature of friendship…

There are several different kinds of friends…I’m not claiming to have a definitive list, but here are a few, as I see it (and I should specify that I am defining stereotypes here, not describing my friends!) :

1.  Whiny Friend:  This particular type of friend is somewhat wearing.  She is perpetually experiencing some sort of life crisis – and no matter what it is, it’s a crisis to her!  Husband is being a jerk…kids are being selfish and mean or having problems in school…mom is being overcritical…boss is keeping her from advancing – you name it.  If the damn toilet overflows, it’s an existential life crisis.  Now, I need to be specific about this – I am not talking about the person who only calls when she has a crisis; that comes later.  This is the person who has a crisis EVERY DAY and every single conversation involves something that is just dreadfully wrong with her life.  And it goes without saying that none of it is ever her fault.  She may be a perfectly nice person, but she is needy, whiny, and has a major blind spot about her own faults.

2.  Superior Friend:  This friend seems to exist solely to point out your inadequacies.  She may not mean to be mean; she may not even realize she is being mean – but she can always tell you what you are doing wrong, or how she has done it better, faster, and for less money.  There’s not a lot more to her, really – and you really don’t want to talk to her about your problems, because she will point out to you how she doesn’t have that problem because she is smarter, stronger, sexier or more talented.  In the process she will, very sweetly, make you understand exactly why your problem is completely your fault and you are a total waste of human flesh for having encountered this problem, because no normal person (someone like her, in other words) would ever have this problem.  This friend is no fun to be around, even when she’s trying to be helpful (which she may honestly be!).  Unfortunately, we don’t often recognize a Superior Friend until it is too late.

3.  One-Up Friend:  The name sort of says it all.  She can take two forms but is usually a hybrid of the two – anything you say she can either top, or “bottom”.  If you got a promotion, she got a better one.  If your boss is a jerk, hers is worse.  If your child is making straight As, hers is being inducted into Mensa.  If you have a sprained wrist, she has a necrotic bowel.  Being with this friend feels like running an endless race that you can’t win and don’t enjoy.

4.  Sarcastic Friend:  This one I avoid like the plague.  She will put you down, belittle you, and tell you and everyone else in the world how stupid, clumsy, and absurd you are – all with a laugh and an elbow that says, “Hey, we all know I’m just playing with you” – even though she probably isn’t, and even if she is it doesn’t feel like it.  I don’t consider this a friend at all, but I know people who have friends like this.  Why they stick around, I have no idea, but there you have it.

5.  The Taker:  This friend is, again, not really much of a friend – she only calls or shows up when you can do something for her.  She will not hesitate to ask or even demand, because hey, “Friends do this for each other!”  However, when the tables are turned and you need a favor, she is unavailable.  She may have a legitimate reason or may not, but whatever excuse she makes, it’s not one she would accept from you!   This is the ultimate one-sided relationship.

6.  Brutally Honest Friend:  This one’s a bitch – and I’m not speaking figuratively here.  This is the person who prides herself on “always telling the truth” – but she only tells the truth when it’s something mean.  She will tell you that you need to lose weight…or that you’re being selfish…or that your boyfriend/husband is a jerk…or that your kids are demons and you don’t discipline them enough.  She’ll say it all and be convinced she’s doing you a favor and that it’s a great personality trait in her.  She’ll be proud of it – “Hey, I don’t beat around the bush.  I tell it like it is.  I say what I think.  I don’t believe in false flattery, I’m always going to be honest with you.”  Sounds great, but in practice it is nothing more than license and justification for being mean, selfish, critical and inconsiderate.  And the worst part is, you have NO license to do the same.  If you try to tell her that something she is doing isn’t good for her, you are going to have a fight on your hands.  Honesty, in her mind, is only a good trait in her.  Everyone else is supposed to be sycophantic and tell her what she wants to hear.  That’s just how she rolls.  This is a person who has excruciatingly bad manners and thinks that’s a virtue.  Again, not really much of a friend, and usually she has many traits of the “Taker” and the “Superior Friend”.

Now, enough of the bad and on to the good:

7.  Generous Friend:  This friend has always got something to give.  She never seems to mind giving or being there, even when you know you are asking too much.  She won’t hesitate to buy you lunch, even if it’s her last ten bucks or she’s using a credit card…she will bring doughnuts in and call you first to share…she will pick up an extra Barbie at the store because she knows your daughter likes them and they were on sale.  She may not be made of money, but she never hesitates to share what she has.  Time may be another matter – often Generous Friend may be way over-committed and have no time to give, and her generosity may be her way of making up for that.  But she shows the love in the only way she can.

8.  Funny Friend:  this friend may not be your favorite confidante, because she’s not all that deep, but damn she can make you laugh!  She shows the love by interjecting as much silliness, fun, and entertainment into your life as she possibly can.  Often Funny Friend is not someone who is comfortable with strong emotion or baring her soul, so again she shows the love the way she can, by keeping you joyful.  There is enormous value in this; those who make us laugh are Heaven’s facilitators, I think, because I really think the road to Heaven is paved with laughter and joy.  Funny Friend may truly love you and want to be there for you – she just isn’t very skilled at closeness and may feel really awkward with it.  Laughter is her way of easing that awkwardness.  Take her as she is, value her contribution, and love her.

9.  Deep Friend:  This friend is the opposite of Funny Friend.  She doesn’t laugh a lot or joke around, but she is always there to talk and analyze anything you want to analyze.  If your husband has been ignoring you, she will discuss with you for hours what could be behind that and how it makes you feel, and will usually help you justify whatever you are feeling.  Whatever it is, she can usually find a reason why it makes sense and is only to be expected.  She is something of a yes-man, often, but not in a truly sycophantic way.  She genuinely believes what she is saying or she wouldn’t say it, though she may recognize it later as being somewhat enabling.  This is your go-to girl when you need to cry or reason through something, when you’re feeling really crappy about yourself, or when you’re genuinely bewildered by whatever it is that life is handing you.  She’s deep, and wise, and borderline telepathic, and she’ll always help keep you sane.

10.  Crazy Friend:  This is a wild one.  This is the girl you do crazy things with, like when you TP’d the school principal’s house in high-school or rode down the interstate in the middle of the night in her convertible with the top down and your tops off, just so you could say you did.  She will get you in trouble, you can bet on it, but you will love every minute.  Unfortunately, you will probably mature faster than she, and may find her antics less amusing when you have responsibilities like a job and kids.

11.  Happy Friend:  This friend is a genuinely upbeat, positive person who can usually find the silver lining to any dark cloud.  She doesn’t do much complaining and almost never talks trash about anyone else.  She can be somewhat wearing if you’re feeling like being depressed or complaining, because she really doesn’t do depressed or complaining, but usually she spreads sunshine and joy wherever she goes and she can also be something of a heavenly facilitator.  Not much of a confidante – stick with Deep Friend for that – but let this one rub off on you, because she’s not faking it – she really loves life and wants you to, too.

12.  Best Friend:  This says it all, really.  We call people “best friends” but usually it’s a misnomer…they are often just the best of a bad bunch, or the best we could do on short notice, or just the best available at that time.  Not the Best Possible, which is what this is.  These are one in a hundred billion; you won’t find many, if any at all, and if you do you’d better hang on tight and make very sure you aren’t slipping into any of the above categories, because you want to keep this one around forever.  She will accept you for who you are – good, bad and ugly – and will love you despite that.  She won’t love your ugly parts, but she’ll accept them and understand them.  She will tell you forthrightly when you are being a bitch or a baby, but she won’t be mean about it or do it “for your own good”.  She’ll tell you because she is honest with you, and generally not unless you ask.  She will also beat the living hell out of (or give a very scathing lecture to) anyone else who ever dares call you a bitch or a baby, because that’s what she does. And just as important, she will not only tell you when the dress makes you look fat, she will tell you when it makes you look smokin’ hot, and she’ll tell you how much she hates you for your awesome legs or perky boobs or whatever.  She’ll tell you that you whine too much, and she’ll tell you that you’re beautiful and funny and too loving for your own good.

She will go shopping with you or eat ice cream with you or talk on the phone for an hour and a half – and if two weeks go by without you talking, she won’t think your friendship is over.  When you talk again, it will be as if no time has passed.  She won’t forget your birthday…she won’t get mad if you screw up and forget hers (okay, she will, but she’ll get over it)…she will watch your kids and love them as much as she does her own…she will trust you with her kids and not get upset if you yell at them to stop keying your car…and no matter what, she will be there.  She may not be able to leave her family and travel 1000 miles to be with you in a crisis – but you will never question that she wanted to.  She won’t be perfect, and you will argue, but that will never be a deal-breaker.  Heart to heart, she is your friend and that’s just part of who she is.  Hopefully, you will be the same thing to her.

Now, of course I have oversimplified and generalized here.  Most people share many of the above traits, and the truth is usually a person will be one of the bad choices, but also one of the good ones.  Nobody’s perfect, but nobody’s all bad either.  But if you find yourself slipping into a friendship with someone but don’t feel entirely comfortable with the way it’s developing, stop and look – are you getting stuck with one of the stereotypes?  It might be worth reevaluating before you wind up wasting a great deal of time on someone who might not really be someone you want in your life.

And conversely, look at yourself – what kind of friend are you?  It may turn out that, like me, you need to do some serious brushing up on your own friendship style.  You get out of any relationship only as much as you give, which is exactly the way it should be.

The bottom line is, there’s only so much time and you only have so much “you” to give.  Give it to people who are worth it…people who enrich your life, and whose life you, in turn, enrich.

True Love

I have some more thoughts on love.

I believe that love is not born, it is made.  I believe that what we think of as love – when you meet someone and “fall in love” with them – is nothing more than a complex cocktail of physical attraction, emotional need, and situational readiness.

You meet someone, and presumably you find them attractive.  There is something that makes you look more than once.  Perhaps you work with them, and you see them regularly, talk to them, spend time with them.  Something in them is attractive to you, probably on a physical level.  That’s usually a basic element.

Then there is an emotional need that you have, whatever it may be, that they fill.  Perhaps it is for someone to praise you…or comfort you…or intellectually stimulate you…talk to you as though you are an intelligent person…or just like you.  There are a million different needs that we have, each of us in our own unique way, and every one of them is valid.  Relationships meet needs, or we wouldn’t have them.  So this person meets your need for, say, someone who appreciates your ability to whip everyone else’s ass at Trivial Pursuit, as well as your mad driving skills.

And then there is situational readiness.  Perhaps you are 27 and thinking that it’s time to get married and start a family (even subconsciously).  Perhaps you have been divorced for a few months and are ready to start dating.  Or perhaps you just feel that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you and you are restless and looking for validation (which also fills the emotional need category).  For whatever reason, you are in a place where you are ready to engage with someone on an intimate, emotional level, whether you know it and acknowledge it or not.

So you “fall in love”.

And then one of two things happens:  you stay together and form a strong, lasting relationship, or you don’t.

See, this is where I think real, true, honest love comes in.  I think love is made…built…formed and cultivated.  I think that it takes shared experiences, emotional give-and-take (both good and bad), trials, life lessons…I think it takes time.  It is easy to fall in love…but real love is a different animal entirely, and one that grows but slowly.

Real love, to me, is when you look over at the person next to you…you know that they have done things to hurt you…you know that you have done things to hurt them.  You know, and do not forget, all the harsh, angry, unkind, hurtful words that have been exchanged.  You remember the frustrations and disappointments.  You remember the days when it was almost over…or even when it was over.  You remember the nights when you couldn’t stand to be next to them, or they couldn’t stand to be next to you.  You remember the coldnesses and the indifference.

You remember all this…and yet still, somehow, you feel that connection, that fundamental and unbreakable bond.  There is a current that runs between you, beginning somewhere in the dermal layer of the skin, that is almost like magnetism in its power and sensation.  When your hand is close to their skin, you can feel that force between you thrumming and drawing you closer.  You can look in their eyes and know their soul – maybe you don’t agree with it all, maybe you don’t even like it all, but you know it.  You know them, on a level that is indescribable and breathtaking.  And you know them not because you have spent a few weeks together and talked on the phone a lot, or even because you have gotten married and lived together for a few months – but because of so much time and so many shared experiences that your lives have truly meshed, and with them your souls.

It sounds so clichéd to say  they are “a part of you” – but it is nearly true.  You fit together, but not like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.   Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you are so intertwined that it is more like a metal alloy – so intermingled that you could not possibly extricate one without irreparably damaging the other.  You aren’t glued together, you are collated.  Yes, you are still two separate people, but there are so many connections and ties that if you took one away, the other would not exist in the same form.

We wonder why, when love (real love) dies, it is so hard for us to survive.  We feel that we do not know ourselves any more, that our lives have been changed and damaged and possibly even destroyed.  This is why.  It’s like removing malignant cancer – you can’t get all the growth, without damaging the healthy tissue.  Sometimes that tissue can heal, and I think love is like that – there is a lot of damage from excising that love, and it takes a long, long time, but it can eventually heal.  It will not have the same form as it did before, though.  There will be holes and ragged edges and scar tissue.

I believe this is one reason that it is so hard, when we really and truly have loved, to leave.  We know that even though the relationship may have deteriorated to an irreparable state, leaving that person and trying to excise that love is going to tear us apart in ways that will be so hard to heal.  We know that we are tearing away parts of ourselves that will not come away from them, leaving those parts behind – and taking with us some parts of them, likewise. 

That is painful.  It’s unavoidable that it should be painful.  We’re not tearing our bodies, but our souls, and they don’t make Lortab for the soul.   There’s no pain reliever, and the ones we try are usually ineffective, harmful, or both.  Time is the only healer, and it is a harsh and pitiless one.

Love doesn’t always grow like this.  Many, many times a couple will fall in love, marry, spend years together, and never truly mesh.  They maintain their separateness  and continue to be only themselves, with no true intermingling of the souls.  And when they split, it hurts, but no more than it hurt to break up with a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend.  They get over it, they move on.  And that’s great for them.  And no doubt they really cared about one another – but I don’t think that’s love.  Call me whatever you want, I don’t care (you don’t have to read this, after all), but that’s my opinion. 

True love is when, no matter how angry you are, you would rather die than hurt that person, because it really and truly hurts you to hurt them.  Not when you think that, but when it is true in your soul.

True love is when you are angry but you make excuses to your friends and family anyway, because you can’t stand for your love to be denigrated.

True love is when their touch, and only their touch, really and truly makes it all better.

True love is when you can feel them enter a room, even though you didn’t see or hear them.

True love is when they matter more than you do.

True love is when you know you should leave, but you can’t.

True love is when they hurt you, and you know they shouldn’t have, but you can’t help finding a reason why it’s your own fault, because.   Just because.

True love is overrated.  It is dangerous.  It is incredibly powerful and if you let it, it can destroy you, because you won’t walk away from it no matter what.

True love can be incredibly beautiful, and incredibly painful, and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. 

It can make you wish you were dead – but it can make life worth living when nothing else does.

If you have it…you know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t, but think that what you have IS true love, you are pissed off at me right now.   Which is fine.

If you don’t have it – refuse to settle for less.  Go build it.  But please be careful.  If the person you are with is inconsiderate, selfish, or downright mean, get out.  Don’t let it become true love.  Don’t let it grow – because it will only get worse, and you will never walk away.  Or you won’t walk away until serious damage has been done, be it physical or emotional.  So make sure you are letting it grow with someone you can really and truly trust.

If you do have it, and it’s good – thank God for it, and watch your back. 

Yes, you can…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about necessity.  We all have what we think of as our limits…how much we are capable of, how much we can handle, what is just “too much”.  I think, though, that we are often very wrong about what those limits really are.

We’ve all heard about the pregnant wife who lifts the car off her husband in a moment of crisis, or the father who goes into the burning building again and again to rescue his kids, despite smoke inhalation and burns that should have dropped him in his tracks…and those are a good example of being capable of more than we think we are, but they aren’t even what I’m talking about.  The body is designed to produce enormous amounts of adrenaline and cortisol to allow us to perform feats like this in an emergency, but what I’m talking about isn’t even physical so much as mental.

What I’m talking about is the long, grueling tasks of life that we think are just too much.  How often have you looked at a single mother who works two jobs and still manages to bake cupcakes to send to school for her daughter’s birthday, and said, “I don’t know how you do it!”  Or spoken to a co-worker who has, for the seventh week in a row, pulled 60 or 70 hours, and asked “How do you do it?”  And often, in fact nearly always, the answer is, “I don’t know – I just do it.”

You do it because you have to.  We all do.  We get up in the morning and, whether we have had enough sleep or not…whether we are feeling well or not…even if we are tired or headachy or our bodies ache — we do it.  We make the coffee, fix breakfast, get dressed, go to work…we work all day…we come home and make dinner…read to the kids…bathe the baby…get everyone to bed…and then maybe we have a little time for us.  Unless you’re working two jobs – and then you work all day, maybe come home and change clothes, and then go work all evening.  Either way, you fall into bed at the end of the very long day, exhausted, so that you can get up the next morning and do it all again.

How do we do it?  How do we just keep plodding on when it seems like there’s nothing left?  I have been asking myself that lately, because I have not had a day off in four weeks.  I have worked at least 8 hours a day, every single day, (and many days 12 or 13 hours) for four weeks.  I have also done laundry, cleaned house, attended back-to-school meetings, taken the kids clothes shopping, and a hundred other things I can’t even remember.

The other tasks of life don’t slow down or get put on hold just because I’m working two jobs.  The kids still need to be fed, the house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still have to be washed.  Bills still have to get paid, cars still have to be repaired (that reminds me, I need to call the repair shop!), and all the minutiae of daily life are there, needing attention.

Six months ago…a year ago…I would have said I could not do this.  There is no way.  I am not capable of surviving on four or five hours of sleep a night, no weekends off, and no time to breathe or rest.  I am not capable of working two full-time jobs and still being a wife and mom.  Sorry, nope, can’t do it.

But I was wrong.  I thought I knew my limitations, but I underestimated myself.  So if I am capable of this, what else can I do that I didn’t think I could?  I don’t think I’m capable of maintaining a healthy lifestyle while doing all this – but maybe I’m wrong about that too?  I don’t think I can find time to write – am I wrong about that?  Is the sky really and truly the limit?

(And at the end of it all, in a year when hopefully this is all in the past and I am only working one job and being a wife and mom, is there going to be anything left of me?  Or am I burning it all now?  By exceeding what I thought were my limitations, am I using up resources that I will need later?  Do we have a finite amount of strength and energy to be used during our lives, and am I burning all the reserve fuel now? )

I wonder about these things.  I worry about them.  Sometimes at night, when I finally get to bed after everyone else has been asleep for hours, I lie awake despite my exhaustion and wonder – what am I doing to myself?  Because I really, truly thought I would crash before now.   I really didn’t think I had it in me – so now I’m wondering where it’s coming from.

Yeah, I know, I think too much.  Big surprise there!

But anyway, give it some thought.  Try it out.  Do one thing today that you didn’t think you could.  You think you can only walk for an hour?  Walk for an hour and a half.  Don’t think you’re capable of making that complicated recipe?  Do it anyway.  Convinced that those algebra problems are beyond you?  Do them.  And make a vow to yourself, each day, to try at least one thing that you didn’t think you could do.  There is no failure unless you never try.

You may surprise yourself.  In fact, I’ll be willing to bet you will.  Because at the end of the day, I suspect that our limitations are only in our minds and that if we push, we may find they don’t exist at all – or at least, that they are a lot farther than we thought they were.

Thoughts on New Year’s Resolutions

I hesitate to call these New Year’s Resolutions…those are nothing more than rules we make in order to have the mixed joy and shame of breaking them. We don’t really “resolve” anything – we know when we make them that we will not keep them. We make them almost as a sort of game – how long will we keep them this year? How long will it take us to break every one on the list? It is a running joke, for many of us.Funny as this always seems, it strikes me (after having learned so much this year!) that this is really a very self-destructive process. We set ourselves up for failure, and each failure (though we may laugh about it) is another nail in the coffin of our sense of self-worth, of confidence, of capability and trustworthiness. Every single time we fail (having made that nearly inevitable for ourselves) we lose a little more faith in our own abilities and strength. And every ounce of confidence and faith we lose weakens us that much more, making failure even more likely the next time.

I’m not doing that anymore. I am through with tearing myself down. I spent so many years doing that, and not even knowing it; but that phase of my life is over. I am looking forward, eyes on the prize – and the prize is happiness, self-respect, strength and joy. All the things I had lost through my own ignorance and self-doubt. No more!

So this year, I am not making “resolutions”. Instead, I am making a list of things I can do to improve my life, my health, my happiness, and my contribution to the world around me. I may or may not be able to integrate all of these things into my daily life, but I can make myself more aware of the things I, personally, can do to change the world.

So here they are:

1. I can try to meditate, if not daily, at least as often as I can. This strengthens my spirit; it soothes my soul and calms my mind and fills me with a peace and serenity and personal strength that make every day better and more rewarding. This is not only good for me, but for those around me who reap the benefits of my calmer, stronger persona.

2. I can continue my personal journey toward a healthy, strong body. This can be accomplished through maintaining my new, healthy eating habits, and taking every opportunity to engage in healthy exercise, as well as making opportunities when none present themselves. Again, this benefits not only me but also those around me. When I am strong and healthy, I am capable of caring for myself and for others to a much greater extent. I am happier, I am calmer, I am more joyful, and I am setting a wonderful example for my family.

3. I can be as patient as possible with the shortcomings of others. I have long since accepted that I am not perfect, and I should strive to accept that in others as well. I can make allowances for bad-temperedness, for poor manners, for selfishness, for over-criticism, for laziness and other things, WITHOUT seeing those things as acceptable. I can continue to strive to avoid those things in myself, without condemning those around me for not meeting that standard. After all, I will most certainly not manage to eradicate those traits completely from myself; what right, then, do I have to expect a complete absence of them in others? I can be tolerant, recognizing an unpleasant trait without placing blame or passing judgment. There is a Judge who is responsible for this, and it is not me.

4. I can be as loving as it is possible to be. I can strive to release my fears of rejection, of judgment, of scorn and mockery, and offer to those I love and value the very best of my nature. I can show them that they are important to me, that my life is far the better for their presence and would be far the worse for their absence, without fearing that they will not return my regard. My life is bettered by the very act of loving others; if it is returned, then my harvest is twofold, but if it is not, the value of my own act is not lessened. I need not be loved by all whom I love, in order for that love to be a positive force in my life.

5. I can take more time. I can strive to slow down in every aspect of my life, to stop rushing from one thing to another so frenetically that I rarely devote to anything the time that it deserves. I can accept that in the course of a day, there are things that will not be accomplished. Some of them may even be very important things, but at no time will that signal the end of the world. There will always be tomorrow, and if there is not, then I will be beyond any concern for the things of this world. In the time I am given, I will make each moment count, for myself and for those that I love.

6. I can spend more time with my children, just being. I can sit with the Cricket and watch a movie, or play a board game, or go for a walk with the Nightingale or just sit in her bedroom and have a long conversation about nothing much at all. I can show my children that my time is valuable and that they are worth whatever amount of it they need. I can give them the gift of myself, without needing a reason or rushing into something else.

7. I can remember financial prudence. I can be mindful of each dollar spent, as much as I am of each moment lived. I can remember the difference between “need” and “want” and act accordingly, giving to my money the full value that it possesses. Through this, as well, I will be demonstrating good, strong, wise behaviors to my children.

8. I can explore the value of forgiveness. I can remember that the human heart has an infinite capacity for healing, and I need not guard it so fanatically that I refuse to open it to anyone or anything. Like a city under siege from without, its own walls can be its downfall, keeping enemies out but also keeping out nourishment and revitalization. I can remember this and be aware of my own guardedness, striving to open my heart even to those who have hurt it in the past, without flinching from the possibility that they may hurt it again. If they do, I will heal, as many times as necessary – but at least I will have lost no opportunity for the nourishment and revitalization of love and friendship.

9. I can strive for order and organization around me, in my work and in my personal life. I can remember that chaos and lack of structure inevitably result in unhappiness, uncertainty, fear, and, ultimately, loss or regret. Mistakes are made and damage done by a forgotten bill, a missed deadline, or even simply the rush of struggling to get something done at the last possible minute, resulting in lowered standards. I can strive to make my life simple and clean and structured, while allowing time and room for spontaneity and unscheduled laughter.

10. And last, but certainly not least, I can “always be a little kinder than necessary”. I can watch for opportunities to do a kind thing or lend a helpful hand to those around me, whether it is bringing a co-worker documents from the printer or spending a Saturday working at a local shelter. The tiniest acts of kindness do good for both he who gives and he who receives, and no matter how little I may be able to do, I can strive to always do that little.

These are things I can do…things I should do…and things I will try to do, whenever possible. I recognize that I may not always accomplish them, but I also recognize that though I miss thirty opportunities to live by these precepts, if I seize upon a single opportunity, then my life is still better.

I am not perfect, and I will not be perfect – no more than anyone, or anything, in this world is perfect. I will not even STRIVE for perfection, for that, again, is not only inviting but demanding failure. Yet I will strive for betterment, and to live the happiest, fullest, most peaceful and joy-filled life that I can live, in the time I am given. I cannot imagine any better way to live.